Greetings fellow Strangelanders,
Like many of you, I am a big fan of news stories about humans doing things so monstrously idiotic that it actually becomes sort of surrealistically beautiful (thank you Darwin Awards and CSPAN). Yet, typically, such stories only merit a chuckle, a slight nudge to my fellow teleologically enslaved comrade in the cubicle next to me, and a click on the next hyperlink during company time.
However, there are times when a story so perfectly illustrates the not-so-latent desire of Mankind to not only exterminate itself, but to do so with friggin style, that one can not help but “Rant” a little about it.
So, my friends, may I present to you the E.A.T.R. (Energetically Autonomous Tactical Robot).
The EATR is a military robot that uses corpses as a fuel source, and can theoretically run for years without human help -- well, except as a fuel source.
Now, in all fairness, our friend the EATR would be designed to “forage” not only on the delicious flesh of humans, but on any biomass that it comes across. Apparently, though, the thinking is, what does a biological material self feeding machine used for warfare come across more often than dead bodies? Well, nothing it would seem. Especially when you remember some of the proposed uses for good ol' EATR – such as a “gunship” or an “ambulance”. Honestly, I am not sure what I like more: giving armaments to a robot that feeds mainly on human flesh and is designed to seek out, identify and consume fuel on its own accord – or, that same human eating robot being given the responsibility of deciding what people are injured and need medical attention, and which ones are gasoline.
Of course, since we are going for that real post-apocalyptic distopian charm, we might as well arm it, and trust it to take care of our wounded at the same time. That would be the American way I think.
Also, if I may point out the obvious for a second – they decided to call the thing the EATR?
When I first heard, 'corpse eating robot', I'll admit it, I had a suspicion that Dick Cheney would have some sort of involvement – but, when I heard it what it was called, now I am certain that the entire project is part of a Cheney plan to have his soul transferred into the thing when he is on his deathbed.
So anyway, in conclusion friends, it is now clear to me that, not only are we doomed, but that we are hilariously to be rounded up by robotic overlords of our own creation and turned into some sort of crop-with-the-ability-to-cry-out-in-pain.
Oh, and apparently Karma is real – but don't worry about it, because it is too fucking late.