I'd like to introduce you to someone.
Strangelanders, this is Drank. Drank, Strangelanders. I wanted to get that introduction out of the way because thereís a good chance that this will be the only coherent thing in this entire post.
Like if rainbows had a purple stripe and that stripe urinated pure relaxation.
I know Iíve been writing about energy drinks a lot lately, but I think this is the last one for a whileóthere arenít any more in my refrigerator. But I felt like drinking this stuff tonight, and decided that even another post about beverages was better than nothing.
Allow me to fill you in on the situation:
I went to bed pretty early tonightó9:30óbecause it has been wicked-hot here, and extreme heat makes fat people sleepy. So I got home from work, took a shower, ate some supper, and crashed out while I tried to read a book. I woke up two hours later because my mouth was dry and I kept dreaming that I was choking. So I got some water and immediately realized that I wasnít going to be able to go back to bed. It is now 12:27, and I have decided to open a can of Drank.
Drank is the opposite of an energy drink. It is ďan extreme relaxation beverage.Ē And it is awesome. I had my first can a couple weeks ago. I was just home from math class and I had work the next day. I was stressing out about what clothes I was going wear the next day (I had just started my job), what time I was going to get to bed so that I could get enough rest, and a million other stupid little things that are too neurotic to mention.
My princess, sick of my freaking out, mentioned the drink in the refrigerator. ďWhy donít you try that out?Ē
ďI was saving it for when I could write about it.Ē
She smiled real sweet and said in that voice that means I really shouldnít argue, ďDrink it. If it works, you can buy more.Ē
So I did. And it did. And I did.
If youíre in Austin, the cheapest place to get it is Specís liquor store (also the cheapest place to purchase Bawls). My family has always said that Iíd end up doing all of my grocery shopping at the liquor store, but I doubt this is what they meant. Itís really strange to walk into a liquor store and buy absolutely no liquor. It feels wrong, somehow, but thatís probably just my alcoholism talking.
The thing about Drank is, it works.
I knocked back the can that first night, and within a couple minutes, I didnít really care about the nonsense nearly as much. How my tie looked suddenly seemed like a stupid thing to worry about. I sat at the foot of the bed and I stared at the wall, and I thought about nothing much.
It didnít make me tired, exactly, but it chilled me out. It slowed my roll, just as the can promised.
Hereís whatís in it: rose hips, valerian root, and melatonin. Bunch of B vitamins, and some sugar. It tastes like grape soda.
On the side of the can, they say you should only have two servings (one can) in 24 hours. So of course I had to try two at the same time. Not that first night, because I went to bed. But now.
Trey and I recently had a talk about how Americans are stupid cry babies who expect the government to keep them safe (something about Vicodin and cookie dough recalls, I donít know). One of his points was that people ignore warning labels and then get angry at the company. I think about this as I popped open my second can of Drank a minute ago. I only mention that because my thoughts are kind of all over the place right now, and itís quite a struggle to focus enough to even stay marginally on topic. I accept responsibility for my actions, is my point.
I was awake tonight, and my body didnít feel like it had any plans on changing that status. So I decided to show it who was the boss. Drank is the boss.
I opened the first can and knocked back a few gulps. Fired up my word processing program, and by the time I had a new file open, I was already feeling a little lighter. I know it sounds fishy, and maybe itís placebo, but thatís what happened the first time, too. I just suddenly felt a little like things werenít as important as I made them out to be. I felt a little lighter.
I just now blinked, and it took my eyes a second or so to open back up. Also, I realized I had zoned out and was staring at my mini-blinds. The second can seems to last longer than the first. I think it might be because I keep forgetting to drink it.
This isnít like being high or anything, so if you buy a case of this stuff hoping to get stoned, you might be out of luck. But I wouldnít feel comfortable driving for an extended amount of time, either.
Itís kind of like Robitussin, actually. Or like when she tells you the baby isnít yours. Just this nice wave of relief and a feeling like you want to sit down and smile for a while. Contemplate life a little, maybe.
Itís 12:51 and Iíve almost finished my second can. I wouldnít go so far as to say Iím sleepy, but I could probably go to sleep right now if I tried. And I just noticed my toes feel weird. Do you ever, right before you go to sleep, feel like your body has dozed off before your brain? Your feet and legs and arms are all there, not moving, and for just a second, just right before you topple into slumber, itís almost like you canít feel them, like theyíve vanished. That ever happen to you? Sometimes that happens to me. Thatís what my toes feel like right now. I can feel them, but I canít.
Any time I stop moving, my body just sort of slouches down like a robot that has been turned off.
12:54, and I just drained the last of the second can. Iím going to take a second to upload the picture I plan on using the post, weíll see how that goes.
It is now 1:06 in the morning. Staying up and writing about Drank kind of defeats the purpose of drinking it in the first place, so Iím gonna wrap this post up. Also, my eyelids are getting heavy, man.
I got the picture of the Drank uploaded, but while I was resizing it, I got all kinds of distracted with layer styles, so it took quite a bit longer than I originally anticipated. Also, I found this picture of a toy puppy:
Wait...that isn't a puppy.
Woof woof! Toy puppy loves the world!
So as far as taste, Drank isnít so bad. As far as delivering on what it promises, Iíd say it does about 100 times better than most beverages. If you like the idea of drinking something and then staring at the wall for a few minutes before wandering off to bed, this is totally the drink for you.
I had something else to say about it, but I've forgotten what it was. I'm going to bed.