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Experiments In Energy Vol. 5: Bawls Again (Sugar-Free And G33K B33R) by Ray Printer Friendly

I originally wrote this on Thursday, and I wanted to read over it before I posted it. Then I forgot all about it. I was then going to post it on Friday, but I had to write that post about tipping. The way I figured, there wasn't any huge rush in posting an article about drinking another energy drink.


I was at the store tonight, buying a couple cans of Drank to take to Ft. Worth tomorrow. Drank is like the exact opposite of an energy drink, and although Iíve had it before, Iíve never written a review about it because look at the first part of this sentence.

Anyway, while I was there, I decided to pick up some more Bawls. This time, though, I went with a couple different varieties:

8:41 I decided to try the one in the clear bottle first, because as near as I can tell, itís just sugar-free. I figure anything thatís sugar-free is going to taste pretty nasty, so I might as well get it out of the way. Iím once again surprised at how decent this stuff tastes. Seriously, if youíre gonna drop the stupid cash it takes to purchase an energy drink, I really think that Bawls is the way to go. Even the sugar-free version isnít too bad. You also have to get over the fact that every time you grab the bottle, it feels like youíre wrapping your hand around a giant sex toy, though. Of course, for most of the readers around here, thatís actually a plus.

8:45 I drain the bottle in under five minutes, because Iím crazy thirsty, and it doesnít have so much carbonation that it burns the hell out of your throat. I know I sound like the douche in high school who swears heís stoned to the bone when all heís been smoking is oregano, but I really do think Iím feeling this stuff already.

Anyway, Iíve got to do some Photoshopping, so I guess Iíll wait a bit and then hit the other bottle.

This isn't the Photoshopping I was doing, by the way.

9:12 I felt that initial burst of energy, but it wore off after about half an hour, so I decided to crack open the next bottle. This bottle is called G33K B33R, so I had my doubts about it. I donít like when corporations try to be cool, or cute, or whatever the hell they're going for here.

I took my first drink and thought, ďThis is the best root beer Iíve had in a really long time.Ē I took another drink, and sure enoughósome of the best root beer Iíve ever had. Maybe ever. Keep in mind that Iím no root beer purist, so if youíre all about sasparilla or whatever, you might not agree with me. Also keep in mind that this entire post is just my opinion, so if you get all riled about my root beer claim, you should probably piss off. Of course, if thatís the kind of thing youíre likely to get riled up about, you should probably stop reading this very instant and go out and try to find a life somewhere. Or jump off a bridge. Either way.

Anyway, this shit is good. I wish I had a bunch more of it, but my heart might explode.

Again, I feel my pulse speed up some, and I feel a little more alive. So back to work, and weíll see how long it lasts this time.

10:20 I donít know, man, I think thatís all itís gonna give me.

11:03 All effects have worn off. Not much of a crash, but left feeling a little bluh and tired.

In conclusion: This stuff tastes great, which is more than I can say about most energy drinks. It had a pretty good kick there at the first, but it didnít last near as long as Iíd hoped. I feel obligated to mention that energy drinks rarely have any sort of impact on me at all, other than giving me a headache or something. So the fact that this jazzed me up even a little bit is pretty impressive. On the other hand, I drank two of them, and it barely even made me shake.

Overall, Iíd recommend Bawls over pretty much any other energy drink out there, but donít expect any super pick-me-up miracles.

posted 7/13/09

Entered By Anonymous From Unknown
2009-07-13 22:53:21

So, Ray, in summation, your favorite Energy Drink is called "Bawls" and is shaped like a giant sex toy. Uh, message received?

Entered By Ray From Austin
2009-07-14 05:23:17

That's the problem with a readership like ours--you can't write an honest, thoughtful review about a product with a suggestive name that looks like a huge glass dildo without getting someone making an implication about your sexuality. In retrospect, I totally should have summed up the conclusion, "Bawls: I love it inside me."

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