I got pizza tonight. I ordered it online, and then I drove to pick it up. When I got there, the guy behind the counter turned around, pulled it from a shelf, and put it on the counter. He slid my credit card and handed me my receipt. I signed it and handed it back.
He glanced at the middle dotted line, which I had drawn a line through, indicating that I was not leaving a tip. The guy didnít exactly glare and roll his eyes, but he did that face that's almost glaring and rolling your eyes, but you canít because youíre supposed to be nice to the customer.
I felt a little bad, but mostly I felt irritated.
Iím not a tight-ass, I donít think. As broke as I am, I always tip at restaurants, even if I get pretty bad service. You have to do some pretty serious shit for me not to tip. At restaurants. Oh, and at Sonic.
I hate tipping at Sonic, but I do it, because while my fat ass sits in a car, someone will bring me food. Sure, itís only ten feet from the door, and sure my food was only five bucks to begin with, so adding a dollar onto the tip is pretty goofy. But I do it.
I worked with his girl once, that's why.
ďI used to work at Sonic,Ē she told me, ďAnd people hardly ever tipped.Ē
ďI didnít even know you were supposed to tip at Sonic.Ē
ďHell yes, youíre supposed to tip at Sonic. Any time the customer is too lazy to get off his ass and get his own food, he should tip.Ē
I really liked that chick, even though she was a mega-bitch and a terrible waitress. She was a home-schooled little freak who hated the world. Totally my kind of people.
But not someone youíd generally take lessons from about social interaction. Still, though, she made a good point about tipping.
The thing is, the world has taken it too far. Iím not sure who started this, but Iím guessing it was coffee houses. You know where Iím going with this. Those stupid fucking jars on the counter.
Actually, maybe they originated in bars. Tipping a bartender makes sense to me, I suppose, because they have to deal with drunk people. That would suck. Plus, I donít know how much they get paid, if itís like the waitresses and the people who work at Sonic, or what. Either way, I feel like they earn those tips. There have many times that bartenders have really hooked me up, be it a free drink or a bottle of water when I was desperately in need.
But if I walk in to get a pizza and you want a tip, you can go screw, okay? Maybe itís because Iím an outsider, but I really donít see why you deserve a tip for turning around and picking up a box. The same with getting me a cup of coffee. You held a cup under a nozzle for seven seconds, and you slid my credit card. What is tip-worthy about that?
Seriously, if any of you know, tell me. Iím not actually trying to be an asshole about this. The girl explained to me about tipping at Sonic, and it opened my eyes to their strife. They donít make full pay because theyíre considered waitresses. But most people donít know this, so they donít tip. Sonic workers get a shitty deal. Or used to, anyway, according to that chick. Maybe things have changed, I donít know.
I also donít know why I should tip you for doing your job. Amyís Ice Cream here in Austin is fucking terrible about this. They decorate the shit out of their jar, and Iíve heard them call people out who donít tip. ďUh-oh, this gentleman just made the tip jar a sad turtle!Ē Bullshit like that.
Apparently, running an ice cream scoop is quite the skill for dirty hippies with rotten attitudes. I know they sometimes have to break up candy and dump it in there, and thatís probably when you should tip above and beyond.
You know what? I used to work at Dairy Queen. And something you might not know is that breaking up candy and dumping it into ice cream is not difficult. At all. I did it, I did it for hours at a time, more stoned than these half-with hippies could imagine, and I never once thought someone should pay me more than the paycheck I was already getting. Not once did it ever even occur to me to ask customers for more money. Because they were already paying the establishment, which in turn was paying me. See, I was already getting paid! It's called employment, and it means you work for your money and stop demanding handouts for being mediocre.
Maybe what makes it hard for those Amyís Ice Cream bastards is that you have to pretend youíre a drummer and shake your dirty white-boy dreadlocks over my food for a while. Like I said, I donít get it.
Every time I see those stupid tip jars, I wish I could just ask the person behind the counter, ďWhat do you do that deserves a tip?Ē
If they could honestly explain that to me, Iíd have no problem tipping. But instead, theyíd probably just think I was an asshole. Maybe I could get business cards printed up that lead to a special Strangelands page. I'd drop that into the jar.
The card would say, ďPlease tell me what you do that deserves a tip.Ē It would have the web address on it. On the actual page, I would explain my position, and then there would be a form where they could write why they deserve a tip. And then, if I felt they really did deserve it, I would go down and tip them.
Because I would, even if I had to make a special trip. Iíve done it beforeóat Sonic, as a matter of fact. The guy was incredibly nice, but they had screwed up my drink. He let me keep that one, and he brought out another one, and then he gave me a coupon for yet another free drink. I never used the coupon, and I didnít drink the original drink. But the guy was cool and he was friendly even though he had to go back and forth a few times. He joked around. He was pleasant. And when I went to tip him, I found that I had no cash. So I drove home, got some money, and went back.
Iím not trying to be self-righteous here, Iím just telling youóno shit, if these people could give me a good reason I should tip, Iíd do it. Iím a working-class idiot, man, I want to be on their side. But theyíre more like the homeless guys on the corner than they are restaurant servers. They do nothing to earn it, you know? They want me to give them free money for no reason. Thatís what it seems like, anyway. I could be wrong. Hell, I'm probably wrong. But you people with your tip jars, you have to prove that I am.
You know who should get tip jars? Cops. Just put them up there on their dashboard or whatever. They pull you over, write your ticket, and then hold up the jar. ďHey, I arrested a child molester last night. That worth anything to you?Ē
Because getting shot at or dealing with crackheads is a shitpile more difficult than stirring milk into a cup of tea, I promise.
You know what else is more difficult than making coffee or scooping ice cream or making a sandwich? Probably like 95% of the shit the rest of us do at our jobs where there are no tips.
So piss off, counter-monkeys. Standing there and looking bored isnít enough anymore.