Considering that I'll try just about any energy drink I can get my hands on, and considering how crude and juvenile my humor is, it was really only a matter of time before I drank a bottle of Bawls.
The bottle looks like a sex toy, and it's called Bawls. I like to think the meeting went something like, "Gentlemen, I want an energy drink I can fuck. You have until the end of the day."
For this particular experiment, I will be opening iTunes playlist number 15: Shitty 80s music. First up is Heat of the Moment by Asia. I plan on ending the evening with as many Long Island Ice Teas as I can make, mostly because I bought the mix for it earlier, and feel like I should do my best to make sure it doesnít live on until tomorrow.
But weíre getting ahead of ourselves, arenít we? SoÖBawls. Or, Bawls Guarana, as the bottle says.
The thing that immediately sets this energy drink apart from most is that it doesnít taste like chemical butthole. It has a strange aftertaste following the first drink, but from there on out, it doesnít seem to be an issue. In fact, this stuff is actually pretty tasty.
It has a slight vanilla flavor, along with a bit of citrus, kind of. Like if you had 7-Up ice cream, maybe.
I emptied the bottle within two minutes. The sad news is that it didnít really energize me much. I suppose it should be mentioned that I drink so much of these foul concoctions that they stopped messing with me quite some time ago, and I was crazy-tired before I drank the thing, so the fact that after ten minutes, I was only marginally tired probably says a lot.
It phlegmed me up something fierce, though. Felt like I was breathing through a wet rag. Not sure what thatís all about.
I should also mention that shortly after emptying the bottle, I got a call from a drunken friend hundreds of miles away. She was topic-hopping like only a drunken lunatic can, and I was actually able to keep up with most of her ranting. Iím guessing a lot of that is due to Bawls.
Shortly after getting off the phone, I began examining the effects of the drink in earnest.
1:12 WaitÖjust realized I lost a little time between 12:22 and 12:51. Not blacked out or anything, it justÖwent by really fast, I guess. Also, I canít stop sweating now. Hunh. I should mention that itís been about an hour since I downed the drink.
1:29 I have taken two shots of whiskey, and although Iím an old pro at drinking, the walls seem to be a little brighter than usual. This was a bad day to switch soaps, for sure, because Iím a little weirded out by life at the moment, and I smell like someone else. ItísÖodd. The pictures on my bulletin board arenít moving or anything, but I get the feeling that maybe they do when Iím not looking.
Sometimes these energy drinks are complimented eerily well by booze. Red Bull Cola and whiskey go together really well, and apparently this Bawls stuff goes along with Jim Beam. Their sum is more than their individual parts, you know? Maybe you donít know. I realize Iím rambling, but there isnít really anything I can do about it.
Currently playing: Spin Me Right Round. Not for long, though. We Ďbout to get us some Walk Like An Egyptian. Itís gonna be loud, too. Sorry neighbors, but youíre about to say way-oh-way-oh, waaay-oh, way-ohhhh!
Also, I smell bleach. Donít panic, anybodyóitís from the bathtub. Still, though, should I be smelling it from all the way out here? What if my smelling has gone superhero strength?
What a lousy super power.
Your arch nemesis would be a hobo holding a baby with a dirty diaper.
1:38 You know what Iíd like to do? Print out pictures of all my loved ones and hang them on my bulletin board. And then print out little speech bubbles, like in the comics, and each one would have a quote in it. I would like to have a batch of random quotes from spam email, great (or extremely awful) movies, and famous lines from history. I think I would need quadrants to do this thing up right. Then I would mix and match the pictures and quotes, so it looks like each person is saying something odd/inspiring/spammish.
Did I tell you guys that Iíve become strangely obsessed with Abraham Lincoln lately? Iím pretty sure heís my uncle. I wish I could have met him, even if he isnít my uncle. Just sit down with the guy and see what he was like. I stare at this picture a lot, just to see if I can figure anything out about him:
Pimpin' ain't easy, but somebody gotta do it.
So far, it's a no-go. I like to think that he laughed a lot, I donít know why thatís important. Wait, did I just start writing a different post? Dang.
1:54 My eyes are focusing at different speeds. Iím pretty sure this has more to do with the booze than the energy drink. My theory at the moment is that this always happens when I get liquored up, but the Bawls has made me more alert, therefore, I am noticing it more. I donít know if that makes any sense, scientifically, but in my head right now, I seem like a genius.
1:58 Well this is weird: everything has started to taste like black licorice. My mouth, my cup of ice water, the airÖeverything. Not cool, Bawls and Jim Beam. You guys need to learn to play nice.
2:13 Time for bed. But first, I'm going to watch Flight of the Navigator. You guys ever seen that one? It had Sarah Jessica Parker in it, before she looked like a dying horse. She had pink hair, if I remember correctly. Anyway.
UPDATE: I went through and found all my other energy drink experiments, because apparently, I have entirely too much time on my hands.