Happy Father's Day to all of you dads out there--way to not be smart enough to wrap that shit up, or at least pull out.
What's that? It wasn't an accident? Well, way to be foolish enough to think that bringing a child into this world was a good idea, then. Jerk-ass.
Wait, wait--it's your special day, and I don't want to totally harsh it for you. Congratulations on having sperm that work and a brain that doesn't. I'm sure your kid is super thankful for the life you have given it, which won't mean jack-shit when you're old enough to be put into a home.
The truly magnificent part? There's a good chance you'll end up with a kid like me--some smack-talking, filth-slinging little idiot that doesn't serve much of a purpose in the world at all, except for occasionally posting funny pictures on the internet and driving up porn sales. I know one special guy out there wondering, Why didn't I grab a Vaseline-filled sock instead of waking up my wife that night?
But here's the thing: This is your chance to do a good job. Your chance to sculpt your little part of the world, and try to make it a better place to live. Here's your chance to raise a human being that can truly change the world for the better. Here's your chance to do things right.
And if that's too heavy, allow me to simplify: You have decided to perpetuate the human species--don't mess up.
That advice is for new fathers, obviously. For older fathers, I can only offer this advice--don't get too mad about the guy banging your daughter, and try not to be too disappointed in your metrosexual son.
Happy Father's Day, gang!