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Bed Time by Ray Printer Friendly

Uhg. You know what's stupid? Going to bed early. I hate it. I looked at the clock a while ago, and I thought to myself, ďUhp, 10:30óIím going to have to go to bed soon.Ē

Seriously, I actually thought that. You know why? Because Iíve been trying to force myself to go to bed at eleven for the last like, three months. Why? Because Iíve been getting up at five and running. Which is also very stupid.

Life, for people like me, is quite the paradox. Because what makes it worth living is the shit that kills me. So do I sit around and drink and smoke and eat delicious Krispy Kreme donuts by the dozen, and then die at 41, morbidly obese, drooling donut goo down my eight chins and four sets of titties, probably masturbating to whatever disturbing-ass porn my computer will show me?

Or do I eat healthy, go run every morning, give up hard drink and smoking, and live to be eighty, bored out of my mind?

People like my brother and sister do not have this problem. They find happiness in their lives without the self-destruction, and although Iím envious, Iím sure theyíre just as jealous of umÖof all the writing I do on this website that makes me absolutely no money, and probably kills any chances I have of gainful employment.

You know what? Letís move on.

So I start classes again tomorrow. Hooray for summer school. I have absolutely no idea what to expect, and I find it a little humorous that I barely even care anymoreóIím supposed to be all worked up at this point, stressing out that Iíll oversleep or show up to class late or arrive with no pants.

But you know what? Screw it.

Iíll be up, because I have to wake myself up to run.

And if I show up with no pants, thatís pretty much par for the course. You know what happened on the first day of class last semester? My chair broke. Not only did it break, it broke while I was doing my introduction.

You know that part, where you have to tell the class your name and a little bit about yourself. After completing over half of my education, Iíve finally become comfortable enough to do that. So last semester, first day of class, I dive right in. ďMy nameís Ray. I wasnít really sure what I wanted to do when I got out of high school, so I went directly into the job force. After doing that for over a decade, Iíve decided that the job force isnít all that great [wait for fake laughter from the class], and I decided to come back and try my hand at a real career. I enjoy writing and Skittles and writing about Skittles.Ē

Only I didnít make it through that entire spiel. I got about to the part where I wasnít sure what I wanted to do out of high school, and there was suddenly a loud snap, and my chair lurched, and a piece of jagged black plastic ricocheted around the room for a good five seconds.

ďOhmigod! Did your chair just break?Ē

ďNo,Ē I said, but it was obvious that my chair had just broken, because I was suddenly sitting all slanted.

ďNo, it did! I see a piece of it right here.Ē

ďI see a piece over here, too,Ē another classmate said.

ďThereís one here, too.Ē

ďThatís just a new feature these chairs have,Ē I told the class. ďTheyíll gather information and then come back and report it to me. You guys didnít know about this?Ē

And everyone laughed. I gave them the excuse to laugh at my bad joke, but really everyone was laughing at the fat guy who broke his chair the first day of class. In fairness to me, the chairs are pieces of shit. Also, Iíve seen people way fatter than me sit down without breaking them. It was just that chairís time to die, and I was the one who had to be sitting on it when it finally cashed in.

I call Karma a bitch all the time, and I bet stuff like the chair incident would stop happening if I knocked it off. But on the other hand, Iíd probably stop talking shit about Karma if it would quit screwing with me.

One time on the day that class started, I had a blow-out, and had to change my tire and then take it to the shop for a new one. Once, my princess went to work, and accidentally took every set of keys to the car. Shit happens.

The point of all this is that yeah, terrible things could (and probably will) happen tomorrow. But whatever. I canít even bring myself to get worried about it anymore.

You know what, though? I have to get up and run tomorrow, and that shit is evil if you stay up too late. I made it to 11:41, though, and although thatís still stupid early, at least it isnít 10:30.

And although Iím still a bedtime douche, what about you? You gettiní up tomorrow at 5 a.m. to go run? Didnít think so. So shut up.

posted 6/02/09


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