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First-Of-The-Month Quotes: Dirty Is Relative by Ray Printer Friendly

I don't know what the hell I was doing at my desk through the month of May, but it was obviously disgusting. My calendar is stained and smudged, and filled with all kinds of dirty words and phrases. The dirty words and phrases are supposed to be there, of course, but I don't know what's going on with the other stuff. Probably better not to think about it. Here are the Quotes for this month:

_______________


"Of all the people I know, he's the most likely to have eaten human flesh."

.

"My nose is dumping gunk like a cheap whore's snatch."

.

"You know what your problem is?"

"My friends are loud-mouthed assholes who never listen?"

"So you do know what your problem is."

.

"Obviously me getting beat up by a bus driver is a bad idea."

.

"You can't be fat when you have five kids and a husband who beats you."

.

"The clever British have bugged my phone."

.

"I've been too scared to fart for the last three days."

.

"Ponder on that, Ponder Monkey."

.

"So, yeah, that's the boring side of hot dogs."

.

"There is no one a cat shouldn't be calling on a cell phone."

.

"Well, there's no rest for the wicked."

"Of course there is--the wicked just don't take it because being wicked is much more fun than resting."

.

"They make you jump through hoops before they rape you up the ass...and that's just rude."

.

"So basically you've turned it into a weapon. A well-dressed weapon."

"Which is what all squirrels are. Or should be."

.

"I just scratched my armpit and sniffed it--I'm a fucked up human being."

"And then you told me about it, which makes you even more fucked up."

.

"We got disconnected, and then I had to torture the dog."

.

"Those ants got no style."

.

"In my mind, a pirate is Michael Jackson with a peg leg and an eye patch, standing way too close to children."

.

"You don't masturbate to E.T. Everyone knows that."

"Well I know that...I was just making sure you did."

.

"I think once you start adding the eff word to your résumé, you're headed down the wrong path."

.

"It's actually fun to kick sad puppies."

.

"You know what I like about Family Guy? When they cut to Conway Twitty. I sing along with the songs."

.

"Well, prison sex is still sex."

.

"She gave me a big ole bag of bologna, and she said, 'Here. Because I know you love bologna.' I hate bologna, and always have."

.

"I spilled gin on my phone."

.

"Ain't nobody more competitive than a bitch."

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"That's some attention span you got there, sport."

.

"Disadvantage #507 about drinking cheap wine out of a huge coffee mug: the next morning."

.

"You'll be tryin' to link to heavyballs.com."

.

"You're like the guy in the insane asylum who rubs poop all over himself. You're fuckin' nuts, but everyone knows you'll rub poop all over yourself."

"So I'm insane but predictable?"

"Yeah. Congratulations, Poop Boy."

.

"Did you just send me the singing midget?"


Comments:
Entered By Diane From NH
2009-06-03 22:55:09

disgusting, yes. but accurate, um, well, not really.


Entered By Ray From Austin
2009-06-04 12:05:03

Aaaand we have our tagline for next month.


Entered By Diane From NH
2009-06-05 23:48:46

NICE! My comment has made it to becoming a tagline!!!! Yeah! ...and I'm proud of myself for this incredible honor. Really, I need a hobby.



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