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Say Goodbye To A Dry Ass-Crack by Ray Printer Friendly

So...June. This is the month when life in Austin pretty much starts to suck nads. Everything is hot and wet--not like an expensive prostitute, either. More like a fat man in a Cheeto-stained wife-beater and a pair of dirty boxer shorts, panting as he makes his way from the couch to the kitchen for another spoonful of Crisco and a piss-warm beer.

Sexy, yeah?

Anyway, donít forget about Fatherís Dayóitís on the 21st, even though places have been trying to make me buy a card for like two months now. Flag Day is on the 14th, if youíre into celebrating that kind of thing. Itís a little too raunchy for my tastes, what with all the mouth-sex and jellied pig anus. What do you mean, youíve never heard of that? Obviously you donít know how to properly celebrate Flag Day.

Or Fatherís Day, for that matter.

Strangelands news: Iíve got a couple of things Iím working on at the moment, so hopefully theyíll be finished some time this month. Iím hardcore looking for a job now, which means Iíll probably have a story to tell, of either complete failure or marginal success. Iím already finding out all kinds of neat things.

For example, you know those poor bastards who stand by the road, dressed up as mattresses or the Statue of Liberty? They have a name: Human Directionals. And you can be a manager of them.

Basically, you drive around taking pictures of them every couple of hours, making sure that everyone is there. Youíre also responsible for getting the signs and/or costumes back at the end of the day, andóI shit you notógiving motivational speeches to your ďteam membersĒ each morning.

I would seriously like to meet the person who can do that. Itís 92 degrees and it isnít even eight in the morning yet, the humidityís at 99.9%, and youíre surrounded by all these people dressed up in costumes that reek of body odor, cheap gin, and failed hope.

And itís your job to motivate them. Honestly, the person who can pull this off, he needs to run for president of the world. Because if you can motivate those poor saps to stand out in the sun, sucking exhaust and sweating so much that some of their vital organs leak out, you have a gift.

I really thought about responding to the ad, but Iím pretty sure that after listening to me bitch about school for the last two years, my princess would just straight-up kill me for applying. I had no hope of motivating the human directionals, but I figured I could at least get 'em real drunk and start some sort of revolt.

Also, there was a job at a publishing house that I was really interested in. Erotic Romance. The only thing is that you had to be an English or Literature major. I thought about lying and applying anyway, but my princess gave me a look, so I didnít. Iím not sure what she didnít think was good about the idea of me working at an Erotic Romance publishing house, but she has much more common sense than I do, so I figured it was best to just play it safe.

So if nothing else, at least I can report to you all the weird-ass jobs I see posted on craigslist.

Enjoy your June, suckers!


Comments:
Entered By Diane From NH
2009-06-03 22:57:24

Seriously, Ray!! GO FOR IT! Editor of the Erotic Romance division? That's so totally YOU. Need a letter of reference?


Entered By Ray From Austin
2009-06-04 12:03:57

Letter of reference? I just sent a picture of my genitals along with my rťsumť. So they could see I was "hard up" for a job! Get it? Because...because I had an erection, you see. I'll, uh, I'll show myself out.



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