Before you read this, you need to check out Treyís post with the ďClick MeĒ link (ďYou gotta be kiddingĒ). After youíve done that, feel free to come on back.
The worst thing about a story like that is that you donít really know where to start tearing it apart. So Iíll start with humanity as a whole. Because the thing is, this isnít about saving money, itís not about smokers and non-smokers. Itís about some prick who feels his way of life is the right way, and he thinks that everyone should feel the same way. This kind of thing has gone on since pretty much the dawn of time, I guess. Every war thatís ever been fought, every law thatís ever been passed, every religion thatís ever been formed. What it all boils down to is: ďThis is the way I think things are. You should think that way, too.Ē
And there have been rants spewed out by better minds than mine on this subject, so Iím not even going to attempt to tackle it. What Iím going to say is, I feel that that kind of attitude sucks. Thatís just my opinion, though. Iím not about to go out and buy a company and try to hire only people who agree with me. Iím not going to take over Germany and start a freakiní war about it. Iím not even going to stage a religious rebellion and kill all kinds of people in the name of God. Iím just going to mention it here, and our loyal readers can choose to agree or disagree with me, and weíll call it good.
So Iím going to pretend this is just some asshole whoís all about maximizing his profits. Believe it or not, there are people like that out there, that they care so much about their lousy business that they will willingly destroy the lives of their employees just so they can make a buck.
This is kind of tricky, because I realize my argument is very lopsided, and itís going to sound like some little kid throwing a tantrum, when in actuality, I would engage in a very stimulating conversation with any of you regarding this subject. Iím trying to think around corners here, but itís not going to work. Like I said, Iím willing to discuss it, though, so feel free to e-mail me about it. Itís email@example.com if youíre interested. But here I go.
Yes, smoking is bad. Yes, the guy said they helped employees kick the habit in advance. Yes, any one of these dipshit workers could have given up smoking before the deadline. But itís not about that. I like to curse, in case any of you were wondering about all the filthy language I constantly use. I donít have to do it, but I like to (although I still maintain that our society has actually given rise to certain occasions where if you want to get the point across completely, you MUST use the eff-word, whether you like to curse or not). And if you tell me that if I cuss at work, Iím fired, I wonít cuss at work. You tell me I canít cuss at home, either, Iíll kick you in the balls, Iíll spit in your face, and Iíll probably threaten the lives of all your loved ones. And you know what? I could quit cussing at home just as easily as I could quit cussing at work. But thatís not really the point, is it?
The point is, youíre telling me how to live my life when youíre not paying me, and that is not a job. What that is, is completely fucked up.
I realize that cursing doesnít cause near as many health problems as smoking does. You want to save money? Cut their insurance. I donít know all that much, but I bet it could be done. ďYeah, youíre covered if you have to go to the doctor for any kind of STD, youíre covered if you get knocked up, and youíre covered if you accidentally shoot a nail through your hand and have to rush to the emergency room. Cancer? Oh, no, you can go piss up a rope if youíve got cancer. We know who you people are.Ē
But seriously, if you want to smoke and you want to work here, youíve got limited health insurance. How hard is that? Like I said, I donít know shit about shit, but it seems like it would be better than firing some guy whoís trying to pay rent, you know?
Me? I would have quit smoking. Itís a disgusting habit, and itís a hard one to break. Have you seen the prices of nicotine gum, though? Have you seen the prices of the patch? Screw all that, man, itís cheaper to keep killing yourself. So, yeah, I would have taken whatever services they offered, and if I was able to quit smoking, I would quit with a big nicotine-stained smile. And then I would quit my job.
Because I would never work for a place that tried to control your activities outside of work. Not unless they were curing me of this filthy habit.
Thatís what it all boils down to, you know? You donít get to control what I do when you arenít paying me.
Thatís not a job, thatís a lifestyle. And I have yet to find a business that I am enthusiastic enough to change my entire life for.
But you know what? Screw it. Iíve decided to help you, Mr. I-Suck-Balls-Because-My-Dad-Who-Ran-Off-With-A-Cheap-Hooker-Used-To-Smoke. Whatever your name is. The guy who fired his employees for smoking, you know who you are. Iíve decided to help you save some money.
Gay people. Fire all of Ďem. Iím sure youíve got some test to find out whoís engaging in homosexual activity. If not, hereís one: make them watch any movie with Hugh Grant in it. Any man whoís not puking by the end of it, theyíre gay. Any woman who is, sheís gay. Fire them. I donít know the statistics, but Iíve heard gay people are more likely to get HIV, and that means money out of your pocket.
Women. Letís face it, man: Chicks get knocked up. Maybe itís because theyíve got this weird maternal urge or biological clock or whatever this shit is that Iím always hearing about that makes them want to reproduce. Maybe they just donít understand about birth control. Or maybe they date a guy who just wonít pull out. Not important. Fire Ďem, man. Or do your little tests to find out if theyíre engaging in sexual activity while not at work.
And just to be even, fire any guys who have kids, too. Chances are, those kids will be getting sick, and that family coverage will bite you right in the nutsack. Anybody with kids, just fire them (but give them a couple months to get rid of their kids, and a class about how to deal with asshole anxiety, just so you can tell the media that you did everything you could to help them get over this addiction).
And old people. Come on, man, do we need an explanation here? Old=hospital.
People who jog, because they might get hit by a car, people who ride bikes, for the same reason. People who hike, because they might get attacked by a bear. Just to be safe, all people who exercise. People who drink alcohol, people who eat fatty foods, people who donít exercise (because theyíll get fat, and thatís almost as bad as smoking these days).
And you know what? We might as well get rid of all the ugly people, too. Man, do I hate ugly people. Youíre sitting there, youíre enjoying your day, and thereís suddenly this ugly dude standing there, heís trying to be nice or whatever, but your day is wreckedóthe rest of it, itís like watching a sunrise in black and white. So, yeah, get rid of all the ugly people, too.
And speaking of black and white: fire all the white people because they might be racist, causing all kinds of lawsuits. Fire black people because they might scare away your white clients. Fire all the Latinos because their various cultures are overwhelming. Fire all the Asian people because they make those funny symbols instead of letters. Fire Italians becauseÖI donít knowófire them because of the Olive Garden. And anyone else, we should fire them, too, because theyíre too low-key to think of a good reason to fire Ďem.
Or you know what would be easier? Just kill yourself, man. Save yourself the worries of money, and save the rest of us the worries of you.