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You Swine! by Trey Printer Friendly

If you're reading this, congratulations. The Swine Flu hasn't killed you yet.

Neither has the Avian Flu.


Nor Mad Cow.

Nor Al Queda.


Nor nuclear war.

Nor corn syrup.

Nor second hand smoke.

Nor acid rain.

Nor deforestation.

Nor meth.

Nor crack.

Nor pot.

Nor transfat.

Nor Ebola.

Nor poisoned peanut butter.

Nor poisoned apples.

Nor poisoned Tylenol.

Nor poisoned Halloween Candy.

Nor drunk driving.

Nor unprotected sex.

Nor not wearing a seat belt.

Nor not wearing a helmet.

Nor listening to that awful music so loud.

Nor George Bush.

Nor Barak Obama.

But always, and I mean ALWAYS, watch out for Jimmy Carter. He's probably crouching in a dark corner of your room right now with a trench knife clenched between his teeth and a poem about country living in Kansas he really needs to carve into your spleen.

Jimmy Carter is a threat to us all!

Of course, if Jimmy Carter doesn't get you, Global Warming will. Or the next Ice Age. Or the next Ice Age movie. Or a giant Asteroid. Or a huge Hemoroid. Or maybe Al Gore will just bore us all to death.

We live in a world where a child has to stay in a car seat until they are eight.

I grew up seatbeltless bouncing around the back seat of a shit brown station wagon while my folks gunned it to get some extra air over those cattle guards.

You know what? I liked it, and I wouldn't trade it.

Every person I know over the age of 40 grew up in an environment that would now have Child Protective Services checking them into foster care.

I'm sick of all this Bullshit!

Swine flu is not going to kill us all.

True story kids, so listen up. The regular old flu kills about 36000 people a year in this country. That's the CDC number. So far, the swine flu has killed 1 person in the good ol' US of A.

I've got no paranoia left in me. I can't take any of it seriously anymore.

Someday, something might actually come down the pike that will wipe out society, but I'll be too burnt out to even pay any attention.

Instead, I'll be here at the Strangelands with the rest of the freaks, howling into the darkness and waiting for Jimmy Carter to finally carve a decent poem into somebody's spleen.

Entered By Ray From Austin
2009-05-01 03:01:53

That last line was pure beauty, man. This is why I'm always hassling you to write. "No," you say, "I can't write unless I'm shooting a special mixture of heroin and the blood of a dozen virgin girls that was drained under a full moon." So either you busted through the wall that was holding you back or you murdered...a...dozen... Dammit, I'll get a hacksaw--meet me behind IHOP.

Entered By Trey From Cowtown
2009-05-01 03:06:36

Actually, I just watched the *shudder* 9 o'clock news. It was awful, and it pissed me off. This is why I try to live my life with my head buried in the sand. And the reporters look like they were carved out of wax. I don't think they are still human... if they ever were *cue spooky music*

Entered By Karen From Indiana
2009-05-03 03:08:46

I knew someone who died this past Christmas Eve because he didn't wear his seat belt. His car flipped over and he snapped his neck, which killed him. Coroner said he'd have lived if he'd have worn his seat belt. He was 33, wicked smart, very funny, played the guitar... everyone liked him. I know. Just call me little miss sunshine.

Entered By Diane From NH
2009-05-13 00:38:39

...and now there's a real honest-to-science connection between oral sex and throat cancer. Add THAT to your list. Pretty much we're all gonna be left sitting quietly at home NOT having sex, getting exercise on our indoor treadmills with air purification systems hooked up next to our water filtration systems, home-schooling our kids who won't be allowed outside contact with the world. Which will be okay because everyone will have a Wii and we can all play that way while we text ourselves to arthritic death. Frickin great.

Entered By Ray From Austin
2009-05-13 14:38:01

Bullshit, Diane! You take your dirty filthy lying mouth and you just get the hell out of here. I will blame throat cancer on green tea and blueberries before I will ever admit that it's due to oral sex. Shame on you for trying to ruin my day.

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