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Dear Karen, by Ray Printer Friendly

Where have you been? Did the government get you? Because I know you were talking about the job with the census people. Did they take you to an underground layer lay her lair and torture you with bullwhips made of Twizzlers and covered in cupcake frosting while gorillas jumped around in the background screaming the eff word?

I'm not just asking because that's a fantasy of mine. I'm asking because I'm concerned. For your safety. And about the frosting and gorillas. Were you wearing a skimpy bathing suit? I bet you were. You can tell me.

Or are you just up to your old alcoholic ways again, drinking in some classy hotel closet? Cursing the day you ever heard about me because now your heart wants what it cannot have. Crying into your plastic cup full of cheap gin...and wearing a skimpy bathing suit.

Come back to us, Karen. We're here to help. We're The Strangelands, and we are here for you. Just put on this skimpy bathing suit, and ignore the sound of the screaming gorillas. It's all going to be Oh...Kay.


Comments:
Entered By Karen From Indiana
2009-04-13 23:01:17

Funny, I JUST started census training today. I'd tell you about the lair, and the bullwhips and the gorillas, but as a government employee now, I'm sworn to secrecy. Bummer, man. I was thinking of your class posts - the guy in my class with the sinus infection has GOT to go. Seriously. Aside from that, I've been a job hunting fool these past few weeks, and then I also met a guy (which happens about as often as the census.) Sadly, he has about a .005 chance of making it past the 6 month mark. I'd rather drink alone - it's just a lot easier. I don't have the patience for stupid guy stuff... I wish I did. Anyway, yes, now that I've bored the Strangelands with that update, I have been away, and that's too bad. Now quit calling me out on it, and let me get back to that frosting. I had to give fingerprints, and now I have a GPS device... no doubt the feds have a complete background check on me. One wrong move, and I'm totally pointing you out to them. Just sayin'...


Entered By Ray From Austin
2009-04-14 02:37:15

Well, I'm glad you're okay. Too bad about the guy not being able to last, I guess, but in my experience Brazilian transsexuals are the really the way to go. And you better not rat me out to the G, you bastard.


Entered By Karen From Indiana
2009-04-19 19:58:39

I'll look for a Brazilian transsexual next time, thanks. Unrelated topic: one of the young guys who trained on the census thing with us, knocked on a door and was greeted by a gal in her underwear. The folks in the group he was training with said you could see the red blush of his embarrassment from the sidewalk. The group I was with, however, got to see some creepy guy answer the door in his bathrobe (not me knocking on that one, thankfully.) Not as pleasurable. As a result, you may decide that not getting a census job was a bad or a good thing, depending. Maybe you'll get called for the Fall "tour of duty."


Entered By Karen From Indiana
2009-04-19 20:01:23

haha... I never knew you didn't have to enter the captcha correctly. Misspelled a word, clicked the button, and hey! not a problem, who the hell cares how you spell 'implies'?


Entered By Ray From Austin
2009-04-20 03:00:13

I first read it "said you could see the red bush from the sidewalk," and I was like, census jobs are the awesomest. Then I read it again and was saddened. Seriously, you better be writing your census experiences down somewhere.


Entered By Karen From Indiana
2009-04-21 02:17:07

I'm pretty sure your stories (real or imagined) would be way funnier. I'm still laughing about how you (mis)read it.


Entered By Ray From Austin
2009-04-21 03:09:56

I haven't had many funny stories this semester. I think because I can't tell if I'm next to mentally challenged people. Like this one girl who sits beside me, she shakes. A lot. So much that it rattles the table and makes it difficult to work the mouse on my computer. And she randomly blasts out farts that smell like wet dog food that has been in the sun too long. Generally, I'd make all kinds of fun of her, but I'm honestly not sure if she's like special needs or whatever. No good making fun of retarded people, no matter how hilarious it would be.



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