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Talking About The Weather by Ray Printer Friendly

I was talking to my sister earlier, and I told her that my princess and I went for a walk yesterday and almost got caught in a hail storm.

This was taken with my phone. I was trying to steal the storm’s soul.

She happened to be in a waiting room where Fox News was playing on the television, and apparently they were doing a story on it. In fact, they were asking for pictures of the hailstorm.

I have pictures of the hailstorm, so I thought I might check it out. Which meant that I had to go to the Fox News website. I wasn’t sure how that was going to go, considering that Fox News gets on my nerves significantly. Little did I know.

What you may not realize is that news is awesome:

I highlighted the most awesome news, but it would be cool if Fox did that for you.

I mean, sure, they throw in that depressing stuff like abandoned babies and missing bodies and found bodies, but they also include stuff like how doctors reattached a man’s arm after a 900-pound pig attack. I didn’t even know they made pigs that big! Can you imagine how much bacon you could get from a pig that size? I bet that’s how the guy lost his arm in the first place, trying to get some tasty, tasty bacon. And now that he knows he can get his arm sewn back on? I guarantee you that dude goes back and gives it a second try.

Or what about the story about the bobcat walking into an Arizona bar and attacking the patrons? Instead of a bunch of rednecks getting wasted and going hunting, they get wasted and get hunted! I wish I could have been in that bar—hidden safely, of course. Because you know that somewhere, there was some guy who just couldn’t wrap his mind around it.

“That’s…that’s a fucking wildcat. In a bar? That’s not right. Attacking the guys over there playing pool. My boss was right—I am an alcoholic.” And then he looks at the bottle, just like in those old movies, and he shakes his head. He puts his hat on and slowly strolls out of the bar, convinced it’s all a hallucination. Meanwhile, the other patrons are screaming in agony and being attacked by a bobcat. Maybe I’m sick, but I find that scene hilarious.


Back to the hailstorm pictures. Since I know you guys think I’m lying about having them, I decided to post ‘em. So suck it, naysayers.

Clouds. Ominous clouds. They want to take your daughter to prom. And then do her.

Those white things are chunks of ice that fell from the sky. I would have liked to get some better pictures, but not at risk of getting shat on by the clouds.

As if parking lots in this town aren't life-threatening enough already.

Look how exciting. It's rain.

A tree totally puked on that dude's car.

Rain arouses the planet and gives it a colorful erection. It's science.

Shortly after the storm it got annoyingly sunny again.

It didn’t last all that long, but it was golf ball sized hail, and it dented the shit out of our cars. It could have been worse, though, I suppose. Like, I could have been trying to throw Skittles up in the air and catch them in my mouth, and then BAM! Some guy runs up and kicks me in the nuts. And then he takes my wallet, and when he finds out I have no cash, he stomps on my face over and over and leaves me for dead. And then a dog walks by and pees on me. And then it starts hailing. And then, once it’s done hailing, the dog walks by and pees on me again, because the rain washed off his first pee.

That would have been worse.

Oh, and because it was on my phone, here is a picture I took the other day:

It’s a stamp that was on a wedding invitation. It’s looks like vagina, kind of. A green vagina. Funny.

posted 3/26/09

Entered By Anonymous From Unknown
2009-03-27 00:09:32

I love how your "it could've been worse than hail" story still involved hail. Because the only thing worse than a hail storm is other crap happening and THEN a hail storm.

Entered By Janessa From New York
2009-03-27 03:02:45

Hmm... Maybe you're in the wrong profession. Because those were some good pictures. And if you look up msn.com's news page things they have a whole section dedicated to weird news. There was one story about a tiger trying to rape a penguin a while back... WTF?

Entered By Man executed for biting dog From Searing Crayon Eyes
2009-03-27 03:08:49

I love crazy news stories. A few years ago I read a story where, in an islamic country, a group of men was protesting the government by sacrificing a bull on the steps of the capital building. But then the bull got loose, ran into the capital and started goring the government officials. I'm sure that the fact that the bull "accidentally" got loose didn't lessen the voltage of the resulting intensive genital electalysis treatment...

Entered By Ray From Austin
2009-03-27 03:16:35

Janessa, I totally AM in the wrong profession. I should have been in the astronaut porn business.

Entered By Ray From Austin
2009-03-27 11:59:43

Sacrificing a bull in protest at the state capitol building? That sounds a lot like how I protest, only I use Snickers candy bars. And after I stab them, I eat them. That way, you never have to worry about them goring anyone.

Entered By Anonymous From Unknown
2009-03-27 15:00:50

"Man Gets 90 Days For Sex Act With Car Wash Vacuum"--holy hell, my dear Watson, you've found it! The answer to the Portmobile's desire for road head!! Too bad you killed him off, ya <stomps off mumbling incoherent obsenities>

Entered By Ray From Austin
2009-03-31 00:36:50

That stamp is proof positive that the Postal Service, when it is not going postal, has a wicked good sense of humor. And, on a wedding invitation. So this one is clearly his first, the one for love. The one for money will be his second, or third. Oh, and I thought I would try my hand at impersonating you. And so far, it is working like a charm, Howie.

Entered By The Real Ray From Austin
2009-03-31 03:33:00

That was not me. Ricky, you tricky bastard. And the wedding invitation was from a girl.

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