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Experiments In Energy Vol. 3: Rockstar Energy Drink by Ray Printer Friendly

The milk jug is only for size comparison purposes. If you mix milk with Rockstar, your chances of projectile vomiting are 100%. Seriously, don't do it unless you want some puke-induced hallucination of death.

11:28 pm Opening this massive-ass can of energy beverage. The smell alone has increased my heart rate. This is one of my more distressing experiments. The top of the can is so big that it's hard to drink. The mouth hole is too far away from the lip of the can. My first drink is a slurpy-sounding disaster. Trying again...

11:29 pm That one went better--I'm getting the hang of drinking things like a big boy. Managed five huge gulps before the stinging in my throat got too irritating. Also, because the mouth-hole is so far from the edge, you get a lot of extra air when you gulp, so belching is a major issue. Burping up energy drink is not a pleasant thing.

11:33 pm So if you don't piss around with putting your lip to the can, it works a lot better. Just dump the stuff into your mouth and swallow as fast as you can. Still a lot of air flow, but it seems a little better.

11:35 pm Just dumped this shit all down my chest. Apparently, my new theory in drinking isn't so hot. Back to the old way, I guess.

11:37 pm So I'm about half a can down, and I'm not really feeling any different. I'm not sure how long this stuff takes to kick in. I should have poured it into a glass, huh? Then I really could have chugged it. Nah. Drinking from glasses is for women and guys who sit down to pee. I drink my beverages from metal, dammit!

11:39 pm I think this shit just gave me a tumor.

11:43 pm Starting to feel it. Typing faster, with much less accuracy. Or, um, coherentness? Coherency? Coherentinization. Yeah, that. Also, my heart is beating really fast. And hard. I think it wants out.

11:46 pm I don't know why, but I suddenly want some glow sticks. Also, I want to find Ralph Macchio and beat him up. That makes me a little sad, because I used to look up to him so much. Back when he was the Karate Kid. That's not true. I wanted to bang his girlfriend, and I laughed when he cried. I should have joined the Cobra Kai.

11:49 pm I am now in a text message conversation about ejaculating on a trophy case and calling it art. Sadly, I don't think I can blame this on the energy drink.

11:51 pm Just realized two things. This can says there are four servings inside of it, which means I have almost ingested three times the amount of energy drink I was supposed to. Also, the makers of this product put their phone number on the side of the can. I'm guessing they'll be getting a call at three in the morning from a certain someone. (Hint: me)

11:54 pm Okay, I'm pretty sure time has slowed down. I feel like I just did an hour's worth of stuff, and then when I looked at the time, I saw that it has only been three minutes. Also, my ears are ringing. Probably I'm gaining super powers. I should go out and fight some crime.

11:59 pm I just coughed and it felt like I was going to heave out a lung or something. I've had goosebumps for a full minute and a half now, and my heart hurts. Not in a poetic way, either. But like in an oh-shit way. Oh, wait, the pain went away. Maybe my heart exploded. Maybe I'm writing this from beyond the grave. The most boring ghost ever.

12:02 am I forgot I still had a little left. I just polished it off. Still the goosebumps on my arms, and I think I might have developed a twitch. Or maybe that was just a few shudders, all right in a row.

12:04 am I don't really feel energized, but my stomach feels like it wants to climb up my throat and escape from my mouth. My goosebumps went away, but every time I look at my arm, they raise up again. That is disturbing.

12:06 am I think this stuff just made my balls shrivel up. Hoping that that's temporary. Maybe that's why I feel like puking--I'm about to choke on my nuts. Or it might be because I just drank a shitpile of stimulants.

12:08 am I wonder how many people would kill me, if they could get away with it free and clear. Like if there was absolutely no way they'd ever get caught or have to deal with the consequences. I bet at least two. Jerks.

12:11 am I just got up to dispose of my Rockstar can, and realized that I'm shaking. If a normal person looked at me right now, I wonder if I would be blurry.

12:13 am I'm really thinking ejaculation art is the way to go. People use feces and call it art, so why not semen? It seems like you could do so much more with the metaphor, you know? Mostly, my pieces would be old porno magazines with the pages stuck together. "I call this piece pathetic loser," I would say. "It represents fertility and faith in our fellow man."

12:18 am Or maybe a hot dog canon. For if there was a vegetarian riot.

12:21 am I think I have a cramp in my liver.

12:22 am The mild buzz I got from this drink is already starting to fade away. The feeling of nauseousness is going strong, though. So basically it's like going through withdrawals without getting the high. Fun stuff there, Rockstar. You shitbags.

12:26 am Slight headache now, too. The buzz is mostly gone at this point, but it still comes back in small waves. Interesting. If it was cocaine, this would be the part where the user drops another fifty bucks to try to regain the feeling from earlier. In the case of Rockstar, it's the part where you realize that you never, ever, ever want another Rockstar.

12:29 am I need a haircut. That has nothing at all to do with this experiment, but I figure I'll proof-read tomorrow, and hopefully I'll see this and remember to get a haircut. Seriously, dude, you look like a homeless person. Get a haircut!

12:30 am Maybe I won't proof-read this tomorrow. But then what about my haircut?

12:31 am I really feel like puking right now. And I'm sweating profusely. What if this shit is just now kicking in? Hm.

12:32 am Have been burping pretty much nonstop for the last few minutes. I hope I don't explode or something. Explode or vomit up 32 ounces of Rockstar energy drink. I'm pretty sure that would be a terrible thing to vomit. Not as bad as wasabi Doritos and cottage cheese, though--that would for sure be worse. Or like if someone forced you to eat a raccoon that was dead on the side of the road. That would be worse, too. All the sudden, puking up Rockstar doesn't seem so bad. Unfortunately, it seems about twelve times more plausible.

12:37 am Something smells funny. I wonder if it's the inside of my nose. It smells like a babysitter I had when I was a kid. So I'm probably dying, and this is my life flashing before my eyes. Or nose, as it were. I can't wait until it gets to the Crystal Pepsi years. I loved that stuff.

12:39 am I don't want to alarm you guys, but I'm pretty sure I'm burping up things from my asshole at this point. Not tasty.

12:41 am My teeth hurt. I think I've been grinding them. Nice.

12:51 am That's it, kids. Feel just like I did before the drink--maybe a little more stomach acid and a little headache, but aside from that, nothin'.

12:52 am In conclusion: I wouldn't suggest Rockstar for energy. It doesn't really give you any pep or whatever--just a sick feeling and then you're back to being tired. Also, I wouldn't suggest it for anything else. It tastes like shit, smells like shit, and makes you feel like shit.

4:37 am So I'm just now going to bed. I'm not sure if the energy drink had much to do with it or not--I was writing up a blue streak or whatever you call it--but it seems like it might have contributed. I feel pretty horrid. Again, not sure if it's because of the energy drink or if it's because it's 4:37 in the morning. Either way, I stand by my earlier conclusion. If you need a boost, drink some coffee or eat a bowl of sugar or kill someone. You'll get the rush without having to deal with the horrible aftereffects of Rockstar.

posted 3/23/09

Entered By Anonymous From Unknown
2009-03-23 02:22:19

LMAO! this was great maybe you are on to something.....

Entered By Ray From Austin
2009-03-23 02:36:26

Or maybe just on something.

Entered By Leslie From Texas
2009-03-24 14:44:59

The whole time I read this, the only thought that kept running through my mind was, "I REALLY hope his Princess is asleep during all this. Or maybe out of the country or something. I really like her and I don't thank her enough for being part of (i.e. putting up with) the family."

Entered By Janessa From New York
2009-03-24 15:14:43

Mmmm Crystal Pepsi...

Entered By Karen From Indiana
2009-03-25 00:03:56

I saw the can and the milk, and immediately went, "oh no..." You ARE smarter than you look/sound. Well, at least a little. I'm afraid one of these days one of your experiments is going to end in a post that reads like thi

Entered By Diane From NH
2009-03-25 00:29:36

I'm linking this post to Lauren. She's an energy drink addict. And Karen, I've secretly harbored the same fears for Ray's life. Like in Monty Python when they're reading the cave wall... "The castle Aaaarrrrgghhh"?

Entered By Ray From Austin
2009-03-25 02:27:14

Don't worry, Les, she was asleep. She woke up the next morning and saw the picture of Rockstar and milk, and got more than a little concerned. "What...what were you doing last night after I went to bed?" She asked. "Why do you ask?" I asked her before fessing up to anything. "Just tell me what you were doing with a half gallon of milk and a giant Rockstar." "An experiment, of course. For The Strangelands." And then she quit asking questions.

Entered By Ray From Austin
2009-03-25 02:30:04

You said it, Janessa. Karen and Diane, I kind of thought that might be the one that got me. Good thing I used cheap whiskey as a chaser instead of milk. And no, I'm NOT smarter than I look and sound. Mark my words--my death will be recorded on this website.

Entered By Ricky From Massachusetts
2009-03-29 03:18:04

Hilarious, all the way through. I have got to get you some crystal meth. Do they still make that stuff down there?

Entered By Ray From Austin
2009-07-06 03:00:15

Yes, Ricky. Crystal Meth, get yours now! Made in only the finest bathtubs and sold in trailer houses across the south.

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