Home Login Contact
Sections

Galleries

Authors

Issues
First-Of-The-Month Quotes: Good Times by Ray Printer Friendly

Typing out First-Of-The-Month Quotes makes me happy. It's easy, because the stuff is already written down, so I don't have to do any of that pesky thinking. Also, they usually make me laugh. Or cringe in horror, which is basically the same thing, right?

_______________

"As much as I would enjoy the infamy as the man who destroyed the world's economy, I don't think I can prove I did it."

.

"So how many cocks do you have today?"

"Just the one, still."

.

"I'm sitting here rubbing my belly and talking about erect penises, she's wondering around in striped pajama pants and a pink shirt, her hair sticking up straight up like she's a Who from Whoville. She's trying not to smile, but she finds me charming. Oh, and you wouldn't believe the shoes I'm wearing."

.

"It's nasty everywhere in the past."

.

"When the wheels of Justice turn, they turn completely fuckin' sideways."

.

"You haven't lived until you've gotten head from a 40-year-old toothless Walmart shopper in the middle of the night with her three kids standing there in the aisle watching."

.

"Hell yeah. I just told him I didn't believe in reality. And some table."

.

"Because my mother likes to tongue-kiss the dog's asshole."

.

"Socialism is slavery. Capitalism is freedom. The strange thing is that everyone wants that collar around their neck."

.

"People who want to die make me laugh."

"..."

"Well, you know, like that saying: it's funny because it's true."

.

"That's what's wrong with this country, is the guy who can handle his booze gets fired for going to work drunk."

.

"This is gonna get boring. That should be a quote."

"That's a terrible quote."

"It's the most accurate."

.

"Knives are for old ladies...old ladies who like to get up close when they kill people."

.

"You're thinking what sort of slippers would you wear when blowing Justin Timberlake."

.

"Real men drink half-priced liquor."

.

"Funerals don't make you hard?"

.

"Humanity is terrifying as a whole."

.

"What were we talking about before you started talking about my dog's peanut butter slathered ass?"

.

"You can't amend your First-Of-The-Month Quote!"

"I just amended it, motherfucker. Hey, that should be a quote, too."

.

"Then you just take off the rubber glove and go home."

.

"I don't know why Karma would kick you in the ass for telling the half-crippled girl that she should get an extra vagina installed when she goes in for her next life-threatening surgery."

"Probably because I was fucking her while her husband was dying of cancer."

"That might be it."

.

"The state makes you take a test to prove that you have the skills to shoot the 13-year-old boy who is stealing your lawnmower."

.

"To sit around hating yourself is the ultimate luxury."

.

"And then I drunk emailed my favorite pundit."

.

"Geez, when you say it back to me, it makes me sound like I'm a horrible person."

_______________

So that's it for this month, kids. Feel free to add your own in the comments section below.


posted 3/01/09


Comments:
Entered By Diane From NH
2009-03-25 00:23:28

oh. drunk emailing anyone cannot end well. ever.


Entered By Ray From Austin
2009-03-25 02:37:46

I thought it was exceptionally funny that it was a pundit. I think the worst I've ever done was a cookie company. I explained that I was real fat, but kind of clever, and I would be a great person to have in their commercials because I could be something that their customers could truly aspire to. Like, "You'll never be thin if you eat our cookies, but look how witty you can be!" Surprisingly, I never heard back from them.



Add Comment:
Name: Location: