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First-Of-The-Month Quotes: More Confusing Than Usual by Ray Printer Friendly

So I'm looking at my calendar, where I always write down FOTM Quotes, and there's all kinds of shit here that I don't know about. I mean, there’s always shit I don’t know about when I reflect over the Quotes, but some of this stuff, I don’t even know what it’s doing on here. For example: “Lost book titles: blown up planet, bear story, killer story.” What?

And in hot pink marker are the words, “WEEPING LIONS.” They’re written right next to a huge stain, which I had assumed was pizza grease, but maybe there was a lion in here one night, marking its territory. Like, how dogs pee all over everything to mark their territory, lions just cry on it. Because although they are truly the kings of the jungle, they don’t fair too well in Austin. Shit’s hot, yo, and the air is full of allergens. I feel your pain, lions.

Anyway, here are the Quotes for this month:


“You only have one valuable thing in this life, and that’s your time.”

.

“Ray, you could be a surrogate uterus!”

.

“My mom had me in really small underwear.”

.

“Given the choice between playing with himself or spending time with his mother, he chose the playing with himself.”

“Don’t be offended—I can’t think of any guy who would have chosen otherwise.”

.

“You’re so demanding in 2009.”

.

“You knew I was naked with a cock in my hand, right?”

“With you, I find it’s always safer to assume that.”

.

“I laughed tonight, and it sounded like George Jetson shitting himself.”

“Was that his name? George?”

.

“The worst head I ever got was from a feminist.”

.

“You’d be surprised how many questions a jar of peanut butter and a rabid dog answer.”

.

“We’re all just extras in a movie, you didn’t know that? This? This is actually Harold & Kumar Go To White Castle Part 8: More Fuckin’ Burgers. We’re just passing time, waiting for them to show up.”

.

“Why am I British around your cock?”

.

“Is this the testicle that assaulted you?”

.

“We all have to die someday—it might as well be before we actually do it.”

.

“What were you doing, just sitting around thinking about Obama and quivering?”

.

“My self-absorption got out of hand on Wednesday night.”

.

“I wouldn’t fuck my mom with your mom.”

.

“Pediatricians are the best child molesters.”

.

“Life is too short to waste talking to racist bitches.”

.

“I find the best way to fight ignorance is to ignore everything.”

.

“I don’t want Kleenex with lotion! I want Kleenex to get the lotion off!”

.

“The only people we could blackmail is each other. And that wouldn’t work because you have no money and I have no shame.”

.

“He owes me seventy-five cents already, for playing with his weenie.”

.

“I wouldn’t ever fully trust people with kids.”

.

“Don’t waste your time with the lost.”


There you have it. I don’t usually take the time to expound on the quotes, but that one about not trusting people with kids, that was said to me by someone who is a parent. Maybe it doesn’t matter, but I felt like it needed saying.

As always, feel free to add your own in the comment section.


posted 2/01/09


Comments:
Entered By Dave Riley From Unknown
2009-02-01 07:08:25

"Serious to God, she's a Whitman's Sampler of flatulence."


Entered By Diane From NH
2009-02-03 18:08:50

This installment of FOTM quotes is so frickin hysterical I'm unleashing you on yet another group of unsuspecting readers. Yes, I'm about to inflict your witticism and scariness on my new co-workers. It's how I imagine the contestants on American Idol feel just before getting on stage -- "will they like me? or... will I be shamed publicly and bear the scars of humiliation for the rest of my life?" Don't let me down, bro. Keep up the insanity and brilliance. And pray I don't get fired for this. Or assaulted in the parking lot when I leave...


Entered By Ray From Austin
2009-02-03 18:18:38

Oh, Diane. Unemployment is at a record low, and you're just going to throw away your job like that? I'm honored. If (when) you end up living under a bridge with a cardboard sign that reads, "Anything Helps God Bless," you should come down to Austin--it's much warmer.


Entered By Ray From Austin
2009-03-13 06:03:44

That should have been unemployment at a record HIGH. I'm an idiot.



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