Sometimesónot often, but sometimesóI forget about how much I hate people. Going out during the holiday season quickly remedies this. Because people suck, and all that holiday spirit you see TV shows about, it just makes Ďem suck even more. You see, they want that holiday spirit, and they don't give a shit who they have to knock down, cut off, or curse at to get it.
I laugh at people who say they hate Christmas, mostly because it reminds me of Ebenezer Scrooge, and he was a little punkass crybaby. That bit at the end where he cries and begs the ghost of the future to give him one more chance, that always cracks me up. But I digress.
The idea of hating Christmas has a pretty bad rap, mostly because of guys like Scrooge and the Grinch (who were really just quitters), but I can totally see how people could get burned out once theyíre booted from the realm of childhood.
Iím a Christmas kind of guy, but thatís not to say I donít spend most of the holiday season pissed off out of my mind. People are awful, thatís really all there is to it. And Christmas brings Ďem out in droves. Thatís how it starts.
But then you have to deal with the materialistic side of things. You have to get gifts for people, you have to make travel arrangements, you have to prepare food. Whatever. At this point, the gifts are the things that drive me up the wall.
You have some people, you know them really well, you see something you know theyíll like, and you canít wait to give them their present. And that's fine. That's great. Awesome or whatever.
But then you have the opposite of thatóthe person who is almost mystical in their gift-iculty. Maybe itís because you hardly ever talk to this person. Maybe itís because you talk to him all the time, but still have no idea what kind of shit he likes. Or maybe itís the last-minute gift-giver that catches you. You know the typeómaybe a co-worker or distant relative that you havenít talked to since last Christmas, you barely even remember his first name, and suddenly heís giving you a gift. If itís a nice gift, thatís like twenty times worse, because that means you canít just pull something out of your desk, smack a used bow on it, and pass it off as a present.
Anyway, because Iím really just about as helpful as a guy can be without turning into a saint or something, and because Iím knocking back wine like Iím Jack freakiní Kerouc, I decided that I should help you all out this holiday season with a list of
The Doís and
Donítísísís Do Notís of Holiday Survival
Do graciously thank the gift-giver, no matter how small or odd the gift.
Do Not say things like, ďWhere did you find this? Like the clearance rack at the dollar store?Ē or ďItís the holidays, Frankóyou arenít supposed to be robbing your gifts off homeless people.Ē
Do put at least a minimum amount of thought into choosing gifts. Even if you canít spend much money, your gift should be thoughtful and considerate.
Donít give out coffee-stained newspapers, used urinal cakes, or unfinished meals. Also, donít be robbing your gifts off of homeless people.
Do make fudge, or other confectionery delights for friends and loved ones.
Donít make it in that mold of your penis you ordered one night when you were way too drunk to be allowed on the internet.
Do regale children with the story of Santa coming down the chimney in the classic poem ďThe Night Before Christmas.Ē
Donít tell them about how he had a three-way with their parents. Apparently it scars children to hear about how Santa rammed it to Mommy while she licked Daddyís butt-hole.
Okay, lookóI donít really have any more of the ďdoís.Ē Iím pretty bad at social situations, so Iím really not the guy to look to for that kind of advice. But Iíve picked up some things over the years, and if you can benefit from my wisdom, Iíll be more than happy to share.
I donít mean to imply that any of you have to worry about this stuffóitís more of a cheat sheet that I keep taped to my forearm so as to keep myself in line. Iíve gained this knowledge from various friends, family members, and law enforcement officers at quite a high price to my dignity, so I hope you can appreciate it.
Donít try to feel up Santa when youíre sitting on his lap in the mall. No matter that deep down, you know he loves it.
Donít go around yelling ďbah humbug.Ē Actually, my lawyer tells me that this is just fine, so long as you arenít throwing bags of feces or hitting people with your penis while you do it.
Donít hit people with your penis and make jokes about your yuletide log. Also, no hitting them with your penis and yelling ďbah humbug.Ē
Donít pepper spray children on the toy aisle at Target. I know itís fun, man, but the hours of beat-downs at the police station just arenít worth it.
Donít expose yourself to breastfeeding mothers at Babies R Us and then throw bags of feces at them. My shrink tells me that I shouldnít have to add this one to this listóhe thinks that unless youíre deeply disturbed, this idea wouldnít even cross your mind. I hit him with my penis and told him to suck my yuletide log.
Donít resist arrest. They arenít kidding when they say youíre just making it harder on yourself.
Donít try to have sexual intercourse with a string of plugged-in decorative lights. Because those bulbs arenít nearly as sturdy as they seem at first, and digging glass out of your anus is no way to spend Christmas Eve.
So, yeah, thereís your helpful holiday hints. Iíd write more, but my lawyer says Iíd just be ďincriminating myself.Ē I told him I do that like five times a day, anyway, and aside from a little chafing, itís no big deal, but he just told me to up and quit typing.