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Don't Miss This Amazing Opportunity! by Ray Printer Friendly

You have no idea how excited I've been for this moment. Ever since I told you I was writing a book about zombies, I have been anticipating telling you that I was finished. And now that the time is here, Iím having a really hard time coming up with the right words.

I actually finished writing it quite a while back, but then I had to order a proof copy, check for errors, and re-upload the corrected stuff.

I also changed the artwork around a little. The guy who did the cover art for me wasnít happy with the original sketch-looking design, so he inked in the picture a little more and I re-upped that, too.

All in all, Iím incredibly happy with this book. It looks pretty badass, with its high-gloss cover of gore, and the stuff on the inside isnít bad, either. I donít generally brag about the things I write. Partly because I donít want to come off as an egotistical asshole, but partly because Iím never very sure if my stuff is all that great.

But I really like the stories in this book. It isnít the next Great American Novel or anything, but the stories are pretty tight. I think that as far as just straight-up writing goes, itís some of my best stuff. This book will, to paraphrase Bon Jovi, see a million faces, and then it will proceed to rock them all. Because thatís what kind of a book this is. Face rocking.

The subject matter may not be for everyone, but even people who arenít really into the zombie scene can enjoy a story or two out of this book. Unless they hate good writing and fierce story telling and biting humor. Because this has all of those things. Plus, more awesome than you can shake a unicorn dick at. And that, my friend, is a lot of awesome.

Itís me, of course, so thereís all kinds of swearing, and a little sex thrown in for good measure. Thereís some gore, but it isnít too over the top, I donít think. Or maybe it is, and I just have issues.

The point is, you really should buy this book. Buy it for yourself, buy it for your friends and family. If life has taught me anything, itís that everyone loves to get a book of zombie short stories for Christmas. Or Hanukah. Or Kwanzaa. Birthdays, Easter, Valentineís Day, whatever. You should get this book for the people near and dear to you, because if they ever find out about it, and you werenít the one to give it to them, theyíre going to hate you.

And Iím not talking about too-much-salt-on-your-sandwich hate, either. Iím talking about vowing vengeance on you and your clan now and for every generation to come.

Look, I know you probably think Iím lying about the scope and range of the hatred you will incur if you donít buy this book for your loved ones. And hell, maybe I am.

But is that a chance you want to take? Are you willing to gamble your life and the lives of your children, and your childrenís children? Itís like twelve bucks, man. Isnít that worth the peace of mind?

I think it is.

It is.

So click this link, and add a few of these things to your cart. Ten is probably a good amount. Or, you know, one, if you want to be a punk-ass about it.

As an extra incentive, if I donít move at least thirty copies of this bastard by the new year, Iím unleashing pictures of my anus onto the internet. You wonít know where theyíll be. Iíll name them things like ďcute kitten gives baby a kiss,Ē or ďrecipe for out of this world cheesecake.Ē

Youíll think, ďHey, I like out of this world cheesecake,Ē and then BAM! Youíll be all, ďMy eyes! And the eyes of my children! And the eyes of my childrenís children! Why didnít I just part with the twelve bucks for some high-quality writing that will entrance and terrify?!Ē

And Iíll be right there, going, ďBecause youíre a cheap dick. Good luck with the image of my anus permanently burned onto your retinas. Jerk.Ē

Thank you for your support.

posted 12/15/08

Entered By rik From Unknown
2008-12-15 21:55:40

Does anyone else remember when Ray put the first book together? He was so modest and humble about it. There was no pressure at all. My how things have changed.

Entered By Ray From Austin
2008-12-16 17:20:39

Modesty and humbleness is for suckers. What moves product is aggressive salesmanship and anus threats. Speaking of which, you better hope that I see this book on your bookshelf this holiday season, or there will be no end to the anus-induced damage I will do to your psyche.

Entered By rik From Unknown
2008-12-17 13:39:21

Oh please. I don't respond to threats. Bribery tends to work, though, so I will only consider buying your book after I hear what's in it for me.

Entered By Ray From Austin
2008-12-17 15:41:36

Ah, don't bother, rik--I'd much rather make your life a living hell than have you buy my book, anyway.

Entered By rik From Unknown
2008-12-18 21:53:52

The sign of a true friend.

Entered By Anonymous From Unknown
2008-12-20 05:26:59

My God, you are a marketing GENIUS!!!! The next time I have something to sell, other than my body, I mean, I'm comin' to you for the advertising!

Entered By Karen From Indiana
2008-12-20 14:57:32

I'm away for a little while, and come back to find someone calling you a marketing genius? Wait, it was anonymous... Ray, quit posting anonymously.

Entered By Ray From Austin
2008-12-20 14:59:54

Anonymous--Thank you very much. Also, if you're selling your body, you might want to check with me as well. Karen--Shut up.

Entered By Diane From NH
2009-01-04 22:10:19

"more awesome than you can shake a unicorn dick at"? I went straight to Lulu and bought BOTH of your most recent offerings. Portly Boy is still making it's round through my group of friends. The ones who can read, anyway.

Entered By Ray From Austin
2009-01-11 07:09:51

Diane--FUCK YEAH! You're a real American hero.

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