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First-Of-The-Month Quotes: Short As A Penis Popsicle by Ray Printer Friendly

I was told to inform you that my friends haven't stopped being as funny, it's just that I was always either really busy or really sick last month, so I didn’t have a chance to garner many First-Of-The-Month Quotes.

This is kind of true. The full truth is that even when I talked to my friends, they were sloppy drunk and incoherent, so instead of saying anything truly funny, they mostly just called me bad words or asked me what the hell are we gonna do with our lives.

But, yeah, I didn’t really get much of a chance to talk to anyone, which is a large part of why there aren’t more Quotes. Sorry about that, and I’ll try to do better.


“I don’t even know what the game is, but if you don’t have pants on, obviously you win.”


“Your drug dealer says he doesn’t want 90 pounds of bacon.”


“I don’t understand people who do things for reasons other than self-destruction.”


“Make sure you tell everyone that we haven't stopped being funny, it's just that you're a big pussy who's always busy or sick. I have an imaginary reputation to protect.”


“Sometimes I eat potatoes, but when I burp, it tastes like corn. Do you think I have cancer?”


“I spent an hour on the toilet. A full hour. I didn’t cry, because I’m a man. My eyes welled up, but I didn’t cry.” [I do my best not to quote myself on these pages, but for some reason, people always think that I say a lot of these things. I want to make it perfectly clear that this was not said by me.]


“The day you were conceived, I was givin’ it to your mom so hard that I threw out my back.”


“What you need is a lobbyist. ‘I’m here on behalf of Ray Weeks.’”


“Life has a way of turning those smiles upside down.”


“Anvils. Jetpacks. Trampolines. Dynamite. That coyote would have been better off just buying road runner meat from Acme.”

posted 12/01/08


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