I swear, man. It’s like sometimes Hyde just doesn’t understand the world around her. And that’s fine. I can relate to that. I mean, if I understood half of what was going on around me, I would probably have to saw off my own head with a rusty hacksaw blade and then use my remaining strength to flush it down the toilet. And if not that, then something just as drastic and melodramatic. So, sure, maybe Carey doesn’t understand the world around her. Other times, though, it’s like she doesn’t even understand the artificial world she’s created around her, which, sadly enough, includes us here at The Strangelands.
In case you’re wondering what I’m talking about, I refer to you to her latest rant “Will you be Mine.” She’s already pimping Valentine’s day? For Pete’s sake, woman. Get a job at Hallmark or something, you know?
What has me so irritated, though, is this: first sentence, third paragraph. “Who can find fault in a holiday that advocates love and yummy delicacies?” I wonder.
It’s like she’s completely forgotten about me. I can find fault with that sort of holiday on so many levels that it isn’t even funny. Me and just about every other guy on the planet. You know who likes Valentine’s day? Ned Flanders from The Simpsons, and Will from Will and Grace. Yeah, I know those are just TV shows (although I’m being very gracious calling Will and Grace a TV show—there’s a reason it’s buried on the WB), but those are the only examples I can come up with. Chicks, and make-believe characters, that’s who likes Valentine’s day.
I have been dreading this day since it came around and bit me in the ass last year. It’s a stupid little event that got blown up into monstrous proportions by girls who wanted presents. It’s not about love. It’s not about being sweet. It’s about women are soft and they smell good and men have to pay to keep that kind of thing around. Argue with me, I dare ya.
Be it a massage, a meal, or cookies, there’s going to be some kind of pay-off. And let’s be honest—how many women are really going to be satisfied with something like that? Not many, is what I think. That’s why there are all these commercials about flowers, about diamonds, about everything that is for sure NOT A HOMEMADE GIFT OF LOVE! I mean, you can’t even just get a box of chocolates anymore.
You give some chick a box of chocolates and a kiss, she’s going to wonder where you’re taking her for dinner. And at the end of that dinner, she’s going to wonder what gift you’re going to give her after. And Heaven help you if it’s a Spider-Man play-set, complete with action figures, moving stunt-performance parts, and real flashing lights. Trust me on this one.
You show me a woman who doesn’t need a pay-off every stinkin’ Valentine’s day, and I’ll show you a smelly woman who is not nice to the touch.
Carey, I know you’re an intelligent woman. But it’s like you’ve turned into a Care Bear or something. Every post is about love and happiness and so filled with sugar that by the time I get done reading, I’m choking on my own vomit.
And my own vomit is all sugary.
This is why puppies are so bad for people.
Like this: You have two New Yorkers, right? One of them is perfectly able to understand the concept of Hate Week, accept it, FEEL IT, you know? And he tops it off with one of the greatest rants to ever grace this website. The other, she’s all, “Ooh, let’s call it ‘Dislike Week,’” “Ooh, let’s not hate,” “Ooh, I love puppies.” And, as soon as Hate Week is over, she’s talking about how you can get coupons to target your “honey’s” needs.
Hang on, I have to go throw up for a minute…
So, yeah. In answer to your rhetorical question, Carey, I can find fault. And I will. I will curse this artificial holiday all the way through, until I’ve choked down the last piece of after-Valentine’s-half-off-crap-filled chocolate.
I’m glad we had this talk.