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Addressing The Important Issues by Ray Printer Friendly

So it's November. Got that Thanksgiving thing going on this month, if you live in the States. If you don't, too bad for you. There's probably other stuff going on in November, but in order to check it out, Iíd have to change the page on my calendar, and Iím just not that motivated at the moment.

You might think this makes me a slacker, but I assure you that Iím actually an over-achiever. I spent Halloween night watching zombie movies and drinking coffee, and I just noticed it was after midnight. Which makes it not only a new day, but a new month.

I decided that instead of starting up another zombie flick, Iíd start up a new issue of The Strangelands. Because Iím a real go-getter, you see. I even early voted.

Oh, yeah, thatís the other important thing about this month, is youíre supposed to go out and vote. You can tell youíre supposed to vote because all the celebrities are telling you to, and we all know that theyíre the smartest people in all of the world. Fucking dolts. I almost didnít vote because of these jackasses all over the place telling me what to do.

Quick aside:

Hey Ron Howardóshut up. You donít get to tell me who to vote for, okay? Just make your stupid movies and go on the Simpsons so they can make fun of you. If I vote a certain way, itís not because you told me to, Opie. Go suck a dick.

Okay, Iím done with that (sorry if you have no idea what Iím talking aboutóIíd link to it, but I donít want to support these douchebags in any way, shape, or form).

Anyway, so if you feel like it, go vote. If you donít, Iím not gonna harsh you about it. Sure, they say itís important, but they say a lot of things. And frankly, either way, weíll get an asshole in office. You vote because you want the guy in office to be your kind of asshole (to paraphrase the bad guy in Die Hard 2).

In case you need some help, allow me to touch on the important issues: vote Obama if you like black guys. Vote McCain in you like guys who look like they should be the villain in a vampire movie. Vice Presidents? Vote McCain if you want your VP to look like Tina Fey. Vote Obama if you want your VP to look like the villain on Total Recall.

The issues: Obama is about change. McCain is about being a war hero. Seriously, I donít really know jack shit about the issues, but these are the things these two babble about enough so that I have some sort of association. Like when you hear a song on the radio over and over, and then you think, ďOh, yeah, I know that song.Ē You donít really know the song or the artist, but you can hum the chorus.

If you need help remembering what each candidate stands for, maybe this will help: You know that song Axel F? I use that one for McCain. Like this:

I am

Such a war hero,

I am

Such a war hero!

Blow your mind,

How war hero I am!

Thereís more, but that should be enough to help you remember.

For Obama, I use the song War:


Huh! Yeah!

Thatís what Iím claiminí

Absolutely bullshit!


It gets a bit confusing what with Axel F being a black man like Obama and the song about war not applying to McCain the war hero, but the realm of politics is always ass backwards and confusing, so it all works out.

I have to admit, the VP that looks like Tina Fey is incredibly tempting, but Palinís voice gets on my nerves something fierce. If she did a nude spread in Hustler, Iíd vote for herósheís a Republican, so you know she shaves her pits, and probably has a nice little landing strip down below. You have some hippie Democrat woman running, thereís no telling what youíre going to get. And before you ask: Yes, I base my vote on tidiness of pubic area, and I donít mind saying that.

I bet Obama keeps that shit under control. You look at McCain, you just know heís unkempt. Old as he is, he doesnít want to get a razor anywhere near his wrinkly balls. I donít blame himóshaving down there is scary enough even with a scrotum of the young and proud. But how can I expect the man to run my country if he canít even keep his bathing suit area under control?

Everybody is trying to make it sound like this is a really important election, and I have to agree. But really what it boils down to is that you either get a president with a nice crotch or a vice president with a nice crotch. The two old white guys, theyíre gross and donít matter.

Vote responsibly.

posted 11/01/08

Entered By Karen From Indiana
2008-11-04 03:51:34

Wow. That poster is disturbing. Indiana is one of apparently three states in the nation that doesn't allow alcohol to be served until the polls are closed (at 6PM) on Election Day. Fortunately, there's early voting in Indiana, so you can still get plastered before you vote, if that's your thing. I'll bet the (brilliant) guys who thought of the no alcohol on Election Day thing are hating early voting.

Entered By Ray From Austin
2008-11-04 03:55:29

That's hilarious. I mean, I can see being all spontaneous and getting a tattoo or getting married, but what kind of a party animal gets liquored up and decides to VOTE? You wake up the next day, you don't have any pants on, your head is throbbing, you look over and see the little "I Voted!" sticker on the nightstand. "What did I do? WHAT DID I DO?"

Entered By Diane From NH
2008-11-05 23:15:19

THAT scenario is when your whiskey-addled brain kicks in and says, "Yeah, that's right. We voted Republican last night." Sinister laughter ensues, much like the end of Michael Jackson's "Thriller". mwaahh-ha-ha-haaaaaaa.....

Entered By Karen From Indiana
2008-11-07 04:35:00

That's a pretty convincing argument for not drinking and voting, Diane.

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