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First-Of-The-Month-Quotes: Disturbing by Ray Printer Friendly

I was a little worried about the First Of The Month Quotes this month. It was like mid-August, and I only had one or two scribbled notes on my calendar, and I figured that I might be out of luck. But one of the good things about the people I hang around with is that you don’t really have to talk to them all that often to hear some incredibly disturbing stuff. So on that note, I give you the Quotes:



“I thought I was being clever, but Google was fucking me up the ass.”

.

“I need the smell of cocaine and New York slut.”

.

“How do you feel about your insanity?”

.

“This is what our friendship has led up to, this is the crux: fuck everyone who isn’t us.”

.

“All joking aside, I do like mushrooms. Don’t take that as lighthearted folly.”

.

“I’m scared Donny D is not really on the backup. What if I put my crack up for no reason?”

.

“I’m on Prozac, and I’m not supposed to drink. I do trial runs, though, like maybe if I just have three drinks instead of five, I won’t scream at everyone I love and then pass out without remembering it. So far, it hasn’t worked.”

.

“I’m sorry, God, I shouldn’t have said that. But I thought I could get away with it because it isn’t Sunday.”

.

“Well, you can’t spell ‘scarred’ without ‘scared.’”

.

“Frankly, I’m tired of hearing about her colon.”

.

“I’m being a very irresponsible Democrat.”

.

“They were singing my praises.”

“That’s not singing praises—that’s just singing lies.”

.

“I will make it much creepies in my mind.”

.

“You’re like a little arsonist tonight.”

“I think a little arson would do my soul some good.”

.

“You’ve got two options here.”

“I’m not peeing in a cup and sniffing it, if that’s what you’re gonna say.”

“…You’ve got three options here.”

.

“I don’t know about the Skittles contingency.”

.

“Ah-ha, it’s all gay jokes around here, motherfucker!”

.

“It was a crazy-ass day. I might have put my job in jeopardy.”

.

“Zombies don’t give a fuck.”

.

“They’re more beautiful than my supper was.”

.

“I didn’t find anybody else to hate today, so I figured I’d just call you.”

.

“Church sex? Have I never said that before, sober?”

.

“She’s like, ‘LOL, rik, you’re so funny.’”

“Yeah, ‘Fuck you, bitch, I ain’t funny. Actually, you’re right—I am. But fuck you, still.’”

.

“The wedding couple’s wearing 3-D glasses. What the fuck?”

.

“Goddam CIA, half the time they try to record my conversations, they disconnect me.”

.

“My fuckin’ brother needs to stay away from ebay. He bought a boat with a hole in it. What the hell?”

.

“I’m too drunk to type ‘www.’”

.

“So you’re having phone sex with yourself right now, and I’m just an innocent bystander.”

“What am I wearing right now? Oooh, you like that, don’t I?”

“I need new friends.”

.

“It’s something, you know—nothing is nothing. The nothing is very deceptive.”

.

“Why do you do this? Why do you turn into a monkey and run off to throw feces at your mom?”

“Because I didn’t meet anybody.”

.

“She won’t let me near ‘em with my lips.”

.

“What we need is an 8-ball of cocaine, two plane tickets to California, and flame throwers.”



So there you go. Humor and wisdom, all wrapped up together in a pleasant afternoon read. You’re welcome, from all the screwballs I talk to.


posted 9/01/08


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