Ahhhh, Hate Week. And about damn time too. The bileís backed up so far itís burning my beady bloodshot eyeballs.
A week's not enough.
You better enjoy it while you can because the clockís grinding us down one second at a time. Tick Tock.
That knee thatís been bothering you? The arthritis thatís going to cripple you.
A bit winded walking up those stairs? The emphysema thatís going to suffocate you.
That pain in your chest? The heart attack thatís going to kill you.
And oh so many cancers.
A new freckle? Skin cancer.
Trouble peeing? Your prostate is ticking time bomb.
Need a Ludenís for that cough? Too bad about the lung cancer.
And the list just goes on and on.
And god help you if you end up in the hospital, because thatís where the scary diseases live. Remember when our buddy penicillin could take care of all those pesky social diseases the jocks who kicked your ass in high school kept getting? Well, we wrecked all that. Every pansy ass punk with a sniffle badgered their doctors into giving them antibiotics they didnít need. We used so many antibiotics that they wonít kill anything anymore.
So next time you find yourself in the hospital getting stitched up after being knifed by a thirteen year old meth-junkie section 8 just moved in down the street (link to NYT), ponder on all those wonderful un-treatable bugs living in your hospital room.
His big scary brother VRSA (wiki).
The return of a classic, Drug Resistant TB (wiki).
And, our new favorite killer with a 50% death rate, (link to new yorker)Klebsiella Pneumoniae. You know you got the last one when you start coughing up bloody clots that look like (link to picture of jelly) jelly.
Not in the hospital? Donít worry, theyíll be in your super market soon enough.
How about that. Greatest innovation in medical history wrecked in half a century because we couldnít handle a cold. We deserve to cough our lungs up one bloody clot at a time.
Because friends, while you watch Judge Judy, death is watching you.
We burn 1/3 of our lives away at jobs we hate so we can sit on our enormous asses for another third watching bad TV and killing ourselves with shitty food. If weíre lucky we have health insurance and get to spend the last year of our life puking up our toenails in the Chemotherapy ward of Saint Wedontcare where, after 2 hours of vomiting, while we sob into the blood streaked toilet, we think back on those 30 responsible years where we worked 9 hours a day and we realize that 1/2 of everything we ever made went to Uncle Sam.
Thatís right. We grind our lives away 9 hours at a stretch, banging out widgets for Amalgamated Worldwide Bullshit and kissing our douche bag bossí asses praying that we donít get outsourced/downsized/made redundant so the government can take half of everything we make.
And what do we get for our money?
We pay Homeland Security to listen to our phonecalls and body cavity search grandma at the airport.
We pay for ignorant inbreds to rebuild houses in flood zones.
We pay to rebuild millionairesí mansions on picturesque hillsides in Malibu after they slide into the ocean for the third time.
We pay to bail out a stack of fortune 500 CEOs who nuked their companies betting the farm on bad mortgages so they could afford a fifth Ferrari.
We pay the EPA to tell us the environment is more important than us.
We pay the DEA to arrest us for taking the drugs we like.
We pay the ATF to stop us from drinking and smoking as much as we want.
We pay the cops to stop us from driving as fast as we want.
We pay the DMV to make us stand in line.
We pay CPS to tell us we arenít raising our children right.
We pay our schools to turn our children into pill popping borderline illiterates who think that ďeveryone gets a trophyĒ.
What the hell are we thinking?
In a democracy, you get the government you deserve. And apparently weíve decided that a no-name America hating senator from the most corrupt city in the country and a decrepit free-speech hating geriatric two-time loser are the two people who best represent us.
Politics is all smoke and mirrors. Weíre supposed to worry more about which senator is sticking which organ in which hole rather than which senator keeps 100k in bribes in his freezer. Weíre supposed to worry more about abortion/gay marriage/polar bears than destruction of free speech and privacy.
You might pretend that thereís a difference between republicans and democrats, but itís an illusion. They all have a solution for everything, and the solution is more government and power for themselves.
Next time that politician with the fancy suit and sensitive smile on your TV says he feels your pain and is going to send you a check, remember, he already took Ĺ and wants you to kiss his feet for giving back a nickel. He took half and he wants it all, because he knows that beggars are easier to please.
Not only is the game fixed, you donít even know the rules.
Al Gore picks up a Nobel prize and makes another couple of million flying around in his private jet to give speeches about how awful Joe Six pack is for driving a pickup.
China, a country which enjoys running over itís own citizens with tanks, gets the Olympic games while weíre fed a steady diet of self hatred for our own successes.
A man who needs nor wants anything from government is a threat.
Failure is a virtue, success must be punished.
There is no stopping it. Eventually, we will give it all away to Washington slime-balls with glittery grins, firm handshakes, and black hearts because somewhere along the line we decided we shouldnít have to take care of ourselves. If we canít handle a sniffle how can we handle the rest of our lives?
As for me? At the end of lifeís road when Iím sitting in a three day old puddle of my own bloody feces in the ass cancer ward of Saint Obamaís Government hospital, watching that six pound rat gnaw through the cord of my government cheese IV, Iíll look old death right in his empty eyes and say, ďTwo roads diverged in a yellow wood and I burned the forest to the ground. Fuck the whiners and the wimperers and fuck you too you tall dark bastard. I got mine at the Strangelands.Ē
Iím betting heíll tell me heís a reader too.