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Cornered by Nothing at All by Jesse Printer Friendly

There's an empty corner in my livingroom. Really it's filled with clutter right now, but when I finally put that stuff away, it'll just be empty. And it bugs the crap out of me. I want something there that I like, so that I stop thinking about it, but I don't know what to put there - I don't have anything good already which means I'd need to get something, which is a hassle, and there are plenty of things like that that I need to do already and don't.... You see how this is going.

And when I complained about this before, someone brilliant told me to put a plant there. And my gut reaction was something like "A plant???" Which is a condensed version of "A plant? Like a fake one? It would have to be a nice one, and those aren't cheap. Why would I spend money on something like that? It serves no function. And if it's a real plant, great, now I have another obligation - to water this thing and keep it alive, and what about picking it out? I have to make sure I get one that doesn't need a bunch of sun, and I'll have to leave the blinds open more."

There's a whole bunch of things like this - that don't matter much, but they still bug me, but I don't do anything about them because I'd like them taken care of well. Whatever that needs to be done to reconcile that irrational irritation, I want it done right. But most the time, I also don't want to deal with it.

I got to thinking about that corner again this morning, and as much as I thought it was silly...or something... to put a plant there, I imagined myself in the situation where all of a sudden, one day, there was just a plant there... And whether or not it was the type of thing I tried to picture for that corner, I bet it would make me happy. It would alleviate that nagging annoyance that I refuse to do anything about.

Probably. I'd think it would make the difference if I could trust that it was chosen with some thought. If not, I might still be uncomfortable. Maybe.

But if I just picked up something random and put it there, I don't think I'd feel that way. If I did it, it couldn't be anything less than exactly the right thing... Unless I'd found something close after agonizing over it for so long already that I was just tired of dealing with it, then maybe.

And that thought tires me out such that I don't want to even set out to look for something that might work. I'd rather someone else just do it.

Cause I'm probably not going to.

Entered By Ray From Austin
2008-08-11 04:36:25

Ok, I recognize your plea for help, so here I am. You either need a giant resin sculpture of a bacon (maybe with arms, legs, and a face, if you want to be weird), a life-size statue of E.T., or a stripper pole. If you go with the stripper pole, you have to stain the carpet around the base a suspicious maroon color, so people will wonder if you murdered a stripper. Or, you can put a dead hooker at the base, if you donít want to ruin your carpet.

Entered By Anonymous From Unknown
2008-08-11 12:03:28

The dead hooker option is if he DOESN'T want to ruin his carpet??!? You live in an interesting world Ray.

Entered By Karen From Indiana
2008-08-11 19:40:01

If you never put that stuff away, you'll never have to decide what should go there now that the clutter is gone.

Entered By d From c
2008-08-11 21:38:03

you are just now realizing that Rays world is interesting??? you must not read the stories on here!!

Entered By Jesse From Austin
2008-08-11 23:55:48

I find bacon to be baconific. <p> In other news, I've decided to go with a stripper pole wrapped in bacon at the base of which lies a dead ET dressed as a hooker... With all the old clutter piled back on top. <p>Dead ETs smell like fresh, warm pumpkin pie.

Entered By Ray From Austin
2008-08-12 03:49:05

Sounds like you've got a winner! I hope you'll be kind enough to post a picture when your bacon-stripper-pole-and-E.T.-hooker clutter corner is complete. Oh, and in my experience, dead E.T.s only smell like that for the first day, and then they start smelling like church fart.

Entered By d From c
2008-08-12 03:58:10

church fart??? im afraid to ask, but what is that?

Entered By Ray From Austin
2008-08-12 04:31:34

When you're sitting in church (generally during prayer) and you suddenly smell the nastiest, raunchiest, most incredibly vile smell in the world. Usually, it's coming from the old lady sitting beside you, but people always blame you instead. Sometimes, it's you.

Entered By d From c
2008-08-13 01:18:28


Entered By d From c
2008-08-13 04:31:39

i was in the store with my kids last year. i saw one of my old teachers and she went to hug me. at that same moment, my son laid down one of the smelliest, loudest, most vile thing ever. the teacher quickly released me and stepped away. as i was about to apologize and say boys will be boys, he yells...mama did it, eiwwwww. we had the attention of everyone there. i gathered myself and walked off like nothing happened. even now, she still wont talk to me in the store.

Entered By Ray From Austin
2008-08-14 04:58:48

Moral of the story: kids suck, small towns are almost as bad.

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