I know we all get spam in our email boxes, and most of us probably get the same kind, so it’s not really worth writing about. But I’ve noticed a trend lately that has been cracking me up. I have a G-Mail account, so it shows you the first sentence without making you open it.
This is a really handy feature since, from what I understand, most spam works by using an email tracker, and as soon as you open it, they’re alerted to the fact that it’s an active email account, and they’ll bomb you with tons more spam. It should be noted that I have no idea if that’s really true—I read it one time, quite a while back, and it made sense. Maybe it’s true, maybe it’s not—I’m not going to research it because I don’t really care.
The point is, G-Mail will show you the first line of the spam without making you open the email. I always scan through before I delete everything because sometimes I get emails from real people and they get dumped in the spam folder. I’m desperate for friendship and human interaction, so I don’t want to miss any real emails.
The trend I mentioned is this: I’ve noticed that my spam has started calling me names. It used to be really unoriginal stuff like, “Hello, Ray at The Strangelands! Have we got a deal for you?” or, “Dude, you got to see this hot naked girls!” or, “Oh, man, I was so wasted last night.”
But lately, they’ve been getting creative. Or angry.
Today: “Hey, Fuck Beer!”
You might find this hard to believe, but I have never in my life been called Fuck Beer. I know that seems a little improbable, but it’s the truth.
The other day, some spam called me “chin tickle.” Which, really, is kind of cool. “What up, Chin Tickle?”
“Not much, man. Just, you know, pooping. How did you get in my bathroom, anyway?”
“You’re in the sporting goods section of WalMart.”
I think it lends a certain amount of dignity to any situation, don’t you think?
Another called me “Sex Loner.” This one perplexed me, because I was unsure if it was supposed to be a clever play on words, or if it was just supposed to be taken at face value. Either way, a pretty savage burn. The way I see it, they’re either saying that I’m on my own as far as the sex thing goes, or that I rent it, such as a “loan.” Or maybe both.
It’s eerie how well my spam understands me. It’s also eerie how I just misspelled “eerie” like eight times. Finally, spell-check took pity on me and auto-corrected.
Anyway, that was all I wanted to tell you.
Sincerely, Ray/Fuck Beer/Chin Tickle/Sex Loner