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First-Of-The-Month Quotes: Let's Get It On! by Ray Printer Friendly

The worst part of the First-Of-The-Month Quotes is writing an introduction for them. Because it’s really unimportant, and if you’re anything like me, you skip this part, anyway. Or maybe I just don’t like it because I’m lazy, and when I post the FOTM Quotes, I don’t feel like I should have to do any thinking.


“Your dick jokes move me, Ray.”

.

“Do you want to hear a crazy bacon story?”

.

“When did you get clever?”

“When I found out people were fucking over other people at the drive-thru.”

.

“No, did you say chestnut…human?

.

“I’ve got school, bitch.”

“I understand. Go to the bathroom, wash your vagina, go to bed.”

.

“In some ways, I’ve got some very classic obligations in my life.”

.

“Look—a puppy!”

“There’s no puppy there, why are you lying?”

“Because it works!”

.

“I almost called the Post Office people Mail Buddies.”

.

“Actually, I’m drinking right now because I’m anticipating the depression of tomorrow.”

.

“He has to have all the bacon he can eat, or it just pisses him off.”

.

“Is it okay for balls to smell like that, or are you really sick?”

.

“She’s over there like, ‘There’s no way you can talk to Ray and masturbate at the same time.’ I’m like, ‘I most certainly can! Plus, I’m taking a shit.’”

.

“Ah, you’re…probably not the devil. The devil would dress better.”

.

“Beautiful is not a word I would use to describe the stripper vagina candle.”

.

“Oh, yeah? Well, I wish monkey feces upon you.”

.

“Regardless of how good of head your sister gives, you stay away from her. And I shouldn’t have to tell you that.”

.

“Most positive thing I’ve ever heard Ray say about having a child: it’s better than cats fucking outside the window.”

.

“I might be bright enough to listen to Rush Limbaugh? What the hell is that?”

.

“It’s not that you’re boring, it’s that I have no kind of attention span.”

.

“I’m happy to blame Ben Stiller for anything.”

.

“We weren’t sure he was gonna make it there for a while, with all the partying, but he really pulled it out there at the end, and graduated pre-school.”

.

“My love cannot be compared to a monkey.”

.

“Harrison Ford—fucking old. Like a million. Harrison Ford can’t look like Harrison Ford as well as he used to. Now he just looks like a sad shoe.”

.

“Having a job seems ridiculous to me. Life itself is ridiculous. Why can’t people see this?”

.

“But who wouldn’t want to bounce on some muddy balls?”

.

“I can’t believe my house is low-res.”

.

“The first thing I’m taking a picture of is a pool of my own semen.”

.

“”I almost said ‘vergina.’”

.

“You’re like a Hardy Boy.”

“I am! I really am.”

“No you’re not.”

.

“It sucks to be a decent human being, doesn’t it?”

“I wouldn’t know.”

“No, you really wouldn’t, would you, you bastard.”

.

“I’ve never had a dream about a platter of ribs in my life.”

.

“I’ll get you drunk enough, you’ll be fuckin’ people with your clit.”

.

“I think you have to be delusional to take life seriously.”

.

“How much horse cum does it take to drown a stripper?”

“We all know it only takes about half an inch in the bottom of a cup.”

.

“My rule of thumb is never accept a blowjob from a homeless person with teeth.”

.

“I’ll go read blogs and learn to hate the world.”

.

“You’d be a good cult leader, but you’re getting old.”

“I’m getting too old to be a cult leader? I, for one, am disturbed.”

.

“Why on earth would you be in Kansas for your honeymoon?”

.

“I need some Ritalin and some sleep before I read that shit.”

.

“Sean Penn is a cock. He’s trying to save the world and I appreciate that, but he doesn’t understand that he’s a self-absorbed, self-satisfied cock. Enormous cock.”

.

“I’m lookin’ to make some bloopers.”

.

“Your sphincter will squeeze so tight you can sharpen a pencil.”

.

“If you’re drinking gin out of a Styrofoam cup, it should be Tanqueray.”

.

“Your cheese is so different from mine.”

.

“No, I’m not kicking him in the vagina—my foot might get stuck. I lost a shoe that way.”

.

“Don’t bring your demographics to The Strangelands.”

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“I don’t know if I’ve ever been called a ‘you people.’”

.

“Your cock getting broken is anti-climatic.”

.

“You weren’t Mexican Mafia troublemakers…all right, I’ll give you that.”

.

“I just slopped whiskey all over my penguin.”

.

“I love The Strangelands—it’s the only alternate reality I have…you know, on the internet.”

.

“I’ll play with your kid, man.”

“Not like your daughter will.”

“Oh, fuck you. Now I have to go hit my penis with a hammer. I hope you’re happy.”

.

“You’re the wrong age in the 80’s, you’re gonna be fucked up.”

.

“I don’t give a shit about the environment, I care about us. I don’t care about trees. I care about people and humanity and technology. Fuck trees.”

.

“If my mom hadn’t been drinking and smoking all through pregnancy, there’s no tellin’ how big I would’ve been.”

.

“I think at some point, your hairstyle stops changing, and that’s when you get old.”

.

“Clean it up for me.”

“I don’t clean up First-Of-The-Month Quotes.”

“Clean it up, make it sound clever.”


So there ya go. As always, feel free to add your own in the comments section.


posted 7/01/08


Comments:
Entered By Jsizzle From Austin
2008-07-04 00:13:02

I woke up feeling great and I couldn't figure out what it was. Then I realized - My bed faces the window and my window faces East. I was showing my balls to Mecca... All night long.



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