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Drawing Conclusions by Ray Printer Friendly


Today was the first day of summer classes. Im taking Basic Graphic Design and Basic Illustration, and Im a little concerned about passing these classes. Not scared, not worriedjust a little concerned.

These are more hands-on classes, meaning that instead of making pictures on a computer, Im supposed to make pictures with pencils and paint and all that. Aside from a handful of really bad sketches and a shitpile of doodling in margins, I dont do any of that. Doodling in margins. Does that sound dirty to anyone else?

They should make a porno, Roger Rabbit-style, and call it Doodling In Margins. I think that could really be something special.

Anyway, so my classes. Im also a little worried because were supposed to use Adobe Illustrator for the graphic design class, and my knowledge of that software is limited, at best. I hate that my grade depends on software that I havent been taught to use. Ill figure it out, I guess, because its either that or fail, but Im not incredibly happy about it.

The illustration class is mostly drawing, from what I understand. Its called basic illustration, so I wasnt too concerned at the beginning of class. The professor went over all the projects were going to be doing, though, and I almost pissed myself. Bring in five little items next class, he said. Well be drawing them.

Im assuming that by we, hes including me, but unless I can find five items around my house that all look like slightly crumpled toilet paper rolls, Im doomed. Because any time I try to draw anything, thats what it comes out looking like.

He said well be doing a still life in a couple of weeks. And landscapes soon after. Then the human skeleton. Near the end of the class, well be drawing nudes.

Yep, nudes. He said that by the time we reach that point, well be so intent on drawing that well barely register the fact that there are nude models in the classroom. Theyll just be things to draw. I wonder.

Ideally, hed be right. Id go in, bust out my pencils and stuff, and just draw the naked people (theres going to be one male and one female, apparently). But you guys know meId fuck a wall of spikes if it was painted the right shade of pink. To say that Im not going to register the fact that theres a naked human being in the same room as me is just silly. Or that I wont see them as naked human beings. Sure.

Im not sure Im comfortable with you looking at another woman naked, my princess joked this evening.

Yeah, imagine how shell feel. You know what would be awesome? If I wore an oversized raincoat to class that day, just to make everyone uncomfortable. I know its juvenile. I mean, its an art class, right? Not a naked lady (or guyId do the raincoat that day, too, just to be fair), but a nude form.

But I never signed up to be an artist. I signed up to make shit on a computer, which means that Im characteristically obligated to be a pervert, I think. Or maybe thats just a handy excuse.

Perversions aside, I think itll be really interesting to learn how to draw, even if I never get very good at it. They say that all you need to do it is a pair of eyes, an imagination, and a lot of practice. Well see.

Quick aside: a few paragraphs ago, when I wrote Id fuck a wall of spikes, I originally forgot to add the s at the end. So it was just a wall of spike. I cracked up when I noticed it, because the first thing I thought of was that dog Spike from Heatcliff:

If I ever learn how to draw, one of my first works should probably be a picture of me fucking a wall of Spike. As if that isnt disturbing enough, while I was looking for that picture, I came across this site, which lists all of the characters on the Heathcliff show. And I found this picture:

A skank-ass Jersey cat from the 80smaybe I need to go back and watch some Heathcliff reruns. I remember it being mind-numbingly boring, but perhaps I just wasnt watching with the right eyes. You know, with the eyes of a deviant who doesnt mind ogling cartoon cats while thinking impure thoughts.

Maybe I could get her to be in Doodling In Margins.

And with that string of potential nightmares, Im out.

posted 5/29/08

Entered By Lauren From NH
2008-05-30 00:11:11

Ok Ray, Here's my place. I have a B.A. in Art. Not that I ever did a fucking thing with it considering I sell service contracts for a living but my point is...I got to draw a lot of naked people. My favorite was when it was a class on depth or line symmetry or some shit I wasn't paying attention to due to the fish bowl bong I had sucked on before walking to class engrossed in doritos. But when I get there, there's this skinny ass dude all naked standing on a table and everyone in class standing in a circle around him. Prof. says "grab some chalk" and I'm like "uh..." so I grab a piece of chalk and someone steps forward and draws a chalk circle around the dude's ankle. Then the next person draws a circle a little higher up. Well this continues until we draw chalk circles around every part of this guys body from his toes up over his face. All I could think of was "If this guy pops a hardo are we gonna draw a circle around that too?" How he ever kept from doing that with girls all over the place drawing chalk circles on him, I'll never know. He looked like some sort of naked jail bird freak. Way too funny for a girl with a quarter ounce buzz and a bag of doritos. I think I got orange chalk far too close to something I shouldn't have been anywhere near.

Entered By Anonymous From Unknown
2008-05-30 03:09:42

drugs, doritos, and nekkid people!! what more could you ask for???

Entered By Ray From Austin
2008-05-30 03:54:02

Lauren: Stoned chick, bag of chips, a piece of chalk. What I'm hearing is that you want to be a part of "Doodling In Margins." You can be the lead.

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