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I Hate Ikea by Ray Printer Friendly

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I spent the weekend moving. It has not been pleasant, mostly due to Ikea. To be more specific, mostly due to Ikea sucking balls. It’s a long, boring story that I’m not going to get into I shouldn’t get into.

I will tell you a bit about it, though. First off, I had never been to Ikea before Saturday. I didn’t really ever want to go, because I don’t ever want to be Ikea people. But my princess felt it was time to check it out, and she’s the boss of me, so that’s what we did. She can make pretty much anything fun, so it wasn’t all that bad, until she realized she needed to pee. She asked one of the Ikeans where the restroom was, and he pointed, and mumbled these dreaded words: “Over there, just through the children’s section.”

We all know by now how I feel about children, yeah?

So we can skip the part where I edged through that department with a horrified grimace on my face, or the part where a little boy dashed up and grabbed me, thinking I was someone else, and I immediately screamed, “Someone help me! One of them touched me!”

Anyway, we eventually found the shelves we wanted, and we wrote down the aisle number and the bin number, and we took our little flat cart and we pulled our shelves off the shelves and we went to the self checkout and then we went home.

Once home, we discovered a coupon for Ikea. 20% off. Which meant about forty bucks.

If you’ve never been to Ikea, let me tell you a little bit about it. They have this little cafeteria where you can get all kinds of food—they even have food you can take home and cook in your oven, if you can’t get enough of that fresh-from-the-warehouse taste.

They have these little pieces of paper and these little pencils, so you can write down all the items you’re interested in. They have handy little carts and handy little bags, and they have all kinds of signs telling you about how fucking great they are.

You know what they don’t have? A customer service desk. They have a return counter, where you can do returns and exchanges. No customer service desk. I only mention this because after dealing with Ikea drones for a little over an hour, I realized why this is—because Ikea doesn’t give a shit about their customers, no matter how many little pencils they have, or what kind of food they have in their cafeteria.

Long story short, in order to use the coupon, we had to take the shelves back to the store, carry them in, do a return, go back into the store, and make another purchase.

My princess and I have both worked customer service at Circuit City, so we know about asshole customers and stupid corporate policies and all that. We also know when managers are full of shit. The guy told us we’d have to bring the shelves back because he knew that most people wouldn’t. We live in Austin, the Ikea is in Round Rock, which is about a twenty minute drive. On top of that, it was hot as hell, which is not condusive to moving heavy-ass shelves.

What I’m saying is this: technically, we should have had to take our shelves back and lug them into the store and blah blah blah. Logically, we shouldn’t have had to go through the trouble. But, see, that’s the difference between having a return desk and having a customer service desk. That’s the difference between Ikea and a place from which I will shop in the future.

My princess said it best, “If a place has worse customer service than Circuit City, that’s where I draw the line.”

We returned our shelves and didn’t bother re-purchasing them.

To be honest, I’m glad. I felt very douche-y shopping around Ikea.

Everyone had popped collars. One guy was wearing a fanny pack, I shit you not. It was leather. Everyone’s tan was the exact same shade. It was creepy. A pregnant woman bumped me with her cart and didn’t apologize. This Asian family kept coming up behind me and glaring at me until I moved so that they could take a picture of the furniture I was standing by.

It was a very frustrating experience, and I don’t ever want to repeat it. I think I’ll stick to liquor stores and sex shops for my future shopping needs.


posted 5/27/08


Comments:
Entered By Lauren From NH
2008-05-27 20:45:41

Thanks Ray. I've been talking about going there for bedroom furniture because sure, the quality is shit, but you get a five piece bedroom set for lke 8 bucks. But now I guess I'm back to Bernie and Phyll's and selling myself to pay off the finance charges. Excellent.


Entered By Carey From Texas
2008-05-28 05:43:46

Since I like to stick up for the underdog from time to time I figured this rebuttal was due. I had an incident with IKEA in NYC when a friend of mine bought a ridiculously complicated kitchen island with multiple drawers that came in about 4 huge boxes and needed to be assembled. We struggled for hours following the directions and trying to put it together before realizing that one of the drill holes shown in the instructions booklet had never been drilled in this particular piece. My friend was frustrated and angry and called the service number that was displayed on the instruction booklet. They eventually confirmed that his piece was defective and he'd have to return it to the store to get another one, or drill the hole himself. Luckily I for some reason had a drill at the time so he choose the last option. THe folks at IKEA appreciated his resourcefulness and refunded him 30 percent of the total cost of the kitchen island on his credit card and apologized for causing him so much grief. I am not sure who he spoke to, or if they were immediately fired thereafter for providing such great customer service but he lucked out. Moral of the story...not quite sure except that every household needs a drill!


Entered By Ray From Austin
2008-05-29 05:26:29

Lauren: Glad I could help. As far as selling yourself to pay off the finance charges: the bathroom at Denny's is a great place to start--not much competition, and lots of return customers. Just sayin'. Carey: In your case, you and your friend fixed the problem. Sure, Ikea gave him the discount, but they didn't actually fix any problems. You're totally right about every household needing a drill, though. I recommend a cordless, so you can continue to destroy things long after the man has turned off your electricity.


Entered By Diane From NH
2008-05-29 22:53:05

IKEA is like a high end yuppy walmart warehouse. For some bizarre unknown reason, it's really cool to have stuff from there. Thankfully we live within delivery distance of Boston Interiors. Lauren. Hello?! You can go back to selling yourself to pay the finance charges on your motorcycle. ...or did you roll that into the home equity thing? Which could put you on your back for a long, long time....


Entered By Lauren From NH
2008-05-29 23:56:30

Motorcycle is paid for Darlin'. Wrote a check for that. I been goin' to Denny's for a long, long time.


Entered By Ray From Austin
2008-05-30 03:57:10

You been going to Denny's for the pancakes or um...work? Because it's all fun and games until you move in on my turf. I'll cut you.



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