I spent the weekend moving. It has not been pleasant, mostly due to Ikea. To be more specific, mostly due to Ikea sucking balls. It’s a long, boring story that
I’m not going to get into I shouldn’t get into.
I will tell you a bit about it, though. First off, I had never been to Ikea before Saturday. I didn’t really ever want to go, because I don’t ever want to be Ikea people. But my princess felt it was time to check it out, and she’s the boss of me, so that’s what we did. She can make pretty much anything fun, so it wasn’t all that bad, until she realized she needed to pee. She asked one of the Ikeans where the restroom was, and he pointed, and mumbled these dreaded words: “Over there, just through the children’s section.”
We all know by now how I feel about children, yeah?
So we can skip the part where I edged through that department with a horrified grimace on my face, or the part where a little boy dashed up and grabbed me, thinking I was someone else, and I immediately screamed, “Someone help me! One of them touched me!”
Anyway, we eventually found the shelves we wanted, and we wrote down the aisle number and the bin number, and we took our little flat cart and we pulled our shelves off the shelves and we went to the self checkout and then we went home.
Once home, we discovered a coupon for Ikea. 20% off. Which meant about forty bucks.
If you’ve never been to Ikea, let me tell you a little bit about it. They have this little cafeteria where you can get all kinds of food—they even have food you can take home and cook in your oven, if you can’t get enough of that fresh-from-the-warehouse taste.
They have these little pieces of paper and these little pencils, so you can write down all the items you’re interested in. They have handy little carts and handy little bags, and they have all kinds of signs telling you about how fucking great they are.
You know what they don’t have? A customer service desk. They have a return counter, where you can do returns and exchanges. No customer service desk. I only mention this because after dealing with Ikea drones for a little over an hour, I realized why this is—because Ikea doesn’t give a shit about their customers, no matter how many little pencils they have, or what kind of food they have in their cafeteria.
Long story short, in order to use the coupon, we had to take the shelves back to the store, carry them in, do a return, go back into the store, and make another purchase.
My princess and I have both worked customer service at Circuit City, so we know about asshole customers and stupid corporate policies and all that. We also know when managers are full of shit. The guy told us we’d have to bring the shelves back because he knew that most people wouldn’t. We live in Austin, the Ikea is in Round Rock, which is about a twenty minute drive. On top of that, it was hot as hell, which is not condusive to moving heavy-ass shelves.
What I’m saying is this: technically, we should have had to take our shelves back and lug them into the store and blah blah blah. Logically, we shouldn’t have had to go through the trouble. But, see, that’s the difference between having a return desk and having a customer service desk. That’s the difference between Ikea and a place from which I will shop in the future.
My princess said it best, “If a place has worse customer service than Circuit City, that’s where I draw the line.”
We returned our shelves and didn’t bother re-purchasing them.
To be honest, I’m glad. I felt very douche-y shopping around Ikea.
Everyone had popped collars. One guy was wearing a fanny pack, I shit you not. It was leather. Everyone’s tan was the exact same shade. It was creepy. A pregnant woman bumped me with her cart and didn’t apologize. This Asian family kept coming up behind me and glaring at me until I moved so that they could take a picture of the furniture I was standing by.
It was a very frustrating experience, and I don’t ever want to repeat it. I think I’ll stick to liquor stores and sex shops for my future shopping needs.