It’s Hate Week here at The Strangelands, and I’m really enjoying it. As much as I would love to just sit around and talk about things that I hate, I guess I probably shouldn’t. There’s a thin line between being a clever cynic and a whiny crybaby, and although I probably crossed that line long ago, I like to live in denial as much as possible.
So instead of sitting around typing the things I hate, I’ve thought up a neat little trick you can play on the world around you—you know, spread the hate.
What you will need:
A pair of khaki or black pants
A Polo shirt
A hooded sweatshirt
A bad attitude
Okay, so here’s what you do. You pick out whatever retail store you want to wreak havoc on, and then you study the store colors. For example, Best Buy dresses up all of it’s monkeys in a blue shirt. Circuit City dresses everybody in red. McDonalds makes all the employees wear tired depression, but I don’t think you can find a Polo shirt that color. For this exercise (which, for legal reasons, I urge you not to try) we’ll be using Best Buy.
Okay, so you’ve got your blue Polo shirt and your khaki pants. What you do is, you go into the store, and you just hang out. Probably your best bet is to hang out in the computer section, because that’s where everybody seems the most clueless. You just sort of walk around, and when you see someone looking at a computer or whatever, you walk over, and you go, “Are you finding everything all right?”
At this point, they’ll either say, “Yeah,” or they’ll start asking you all kinds of questions. The cool part about this gag is that everyone will assume that you work in this hellhole. If they say “Yeah,” you just move on—no fun and games right now. If they start asking you questions, what you do is just start making stuff up.
“This model here, it’s completely immune to viruses. And it comes with a lifetime guarantee. If it ever breaks, or slows down, or even if it becomes obsolete, you just bring it in, we replace it. For free.”
“You plug this TV into your wall, it automatically starts getting satellite channels, or we give you your money back, plus a hundred dollars.”
Stuff like that, tell them whatever they’ll believe, and if they don’t believe it, MAKE them believe it. Sling that b.s. until they have no choice but to buy. And when they’re ready to make the purchase, just tell them something like, “Yeah, here’s the model number. Just take it up front, and they can take care of you up there.” Because chances are that you won’t be able to just ring somebody up.
If they don’t believe you, just start yelling at them. Something like, “Look, you’re just an idiot customer! What the hell do you know about any of this!? I’ve got training in this area, you moron! And what do you have? A couple of inbred, crack-smoking parents, is what it seems like! Get the hell out of my store!”
Then you grab your hooded sweatshirt from wherever you’ve stashed it, pull it over your Polo shirt, and yank the hood way up over to where nobody can see your face. And suddenly you aren’t the asshole sales person who was promising miracles and cursing at the customer—you’re just some dude trying to figure out which DVD player to buy.
This little prank is a lot cooler if you get to see the customer going off on the store manager, so I totally recommend you perfect the art of blending in before you try it. On the other hand, what’s the worst that can happen? It’s not like you can get fired.
If you’re pressed for time, but still want to mess with the consumer, just don your Polo and walk through the store insulting people. “Elastic was made for people like that,” you say as you pass by a fat lady. “Don’t try to figure it out, you monkey, you’ll be lucky if you can find the power button,” you say to the man in the jogging suit. “That is hands-down the ugliest kid I’ve ever seen in my entire life,” You say as you walk by whoever it is that brought their kid in.
Stuff like this, it’s fun, it’s easy, and I promise you that you will never get more enjoyment out of buying a Polo shirt.
Happy Hate Week, everybody.