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That Was My Day by Ray Printer Friendly

........................................................................................................................

So Iím done-but-not-officially-done with school for the semester. I took my Graphic Art History final tonight, and although Iím not sure if I passed or failed, I am sure that itís over with, and thatís the important thing.

I have all of my assignments and projects turned in for the semester, so the only thing left is one class tomorrow. Iím not exactly sure what Iím going to do once there, considering that all of my work is done, but one of my classmates always brings Starbucks pastries on Thursday, so Iím guessing Iíll be consuming all kinds of sugary goodness.

At one point, there was talk of an end-of-the-semester party, but Iím not sure if that was in seriousness or not, as I was out turning in my Algebra homework when most of the discussion went down. I figure Iíll play it safe and just show up in a g-string. If thereís a party, Iíll be a hit, and if thereís not, Iíll get sent home, sparing myself the drabness of having to hang out in a non-party environment.

Somebody said they were bringing milk. If that doesnít sound like a party, I donít know what does.

I had planned on coming straight home after class and busting out the whiskey and the word processing program, but Iím not so sure about all that. I for sure want to get some writing done (some fun writing, thoughónot the crap where I discuss the steps I went through to develop blah blah blah). Iím not sure if booze will help that process, or just knock me out by four in the afternoon. After a week of finals, drinking in moderation is not something I fully trust myself doing.

Anyway, I didnít really have anything else to say tonight, but I was excited about being done with school (for the most part) and wanted to tell you about it.

As an extra bonus, Iíll tell you what else I did today: I changed the filter in my purifier pitcher. I watered the plants (because you have to run through two pitchers to clean the filter or something). I did three loads of laundry.

I ate a bowl of cereal (Ohs!, which will shred the mouth slightly less than Capín CrunchÖbut only slightly less). The milk hadnít quite gone bad yet, but it was close. If I hadnít been so hungry for cereal, I probably would have just dumped the milk down the sink.

I loaded the dishwasher and started it. I made a list of people I need to call once Iím not spending all my time doing schoolwork. I ate some roast beef for lunch, and spent the rest of the day trying to escape the apocalyptic smells that were coming out of my bodyóroast beef gives me mad gas.

I studied for my Graphic Art History test. I got sidetracked for a while thinking about how everyone in the Star Wars universe acts like Yoda is so bad-ass, but heís really just a little green pussy.

I mean, think about it, man: in Empire, he spends most of his time as annoying comic relief (the Jar-Jar Binks before George Lucas decided he really hated humanity). But then you watch the most recent movies, and Yodaís supposed to be this super-Jedi, right? He never wins a fight. The closest he comes to victory is when the storm troopers turn on him. He fights a couple of them (compared to the dozens that other Jediís were fighting) and then he hightails it like a little bitch.

He spends his time fighting a bunch of old men, and gets his ass handed to him time after time. And in the end? Runs the hell awayÖagain.

These are the things I was thinking about when I should have been thinking about how Milton Glaser made a poster for Bob Dylan. In case you donít know Glaser, heís the guy who invented that ďI heart NYĒ thing that you see on the t-shirt of every New York tourist ever.

I bought a huge bottle of whiskey and a chicken McNugget combo. McDonalds is being an asshole about their sauce, but Iíll wait to tell you about it until I have photo evidence.

I called rik, and she whined about how Iím always threatening to kill her. I informed her that as long as she made me laugh, she was no good to me dead. She then went into detail about how fun it would be to take her corpse places (ďYou could put me up in a tree, or take me to the zoo. Dress me up.Ē).

I got to thinking about how awesome it would be to put rikís dead body in a wagon, and pull her through a public park, selling ice cream treats out of her abdomen. Or maybe fill her with candy and make it to where you could bend her over and then squeeze her hand (or any other body part) and shoot Jolly Ranchers out of her ass at passers-by. Or dress up in her skin and go into the womenís restroom.

I decided that I should probably kill rik because of how much fun it would be to have her corpse handy.

I wrote this post, ensuring that rik will outlive meóthereís no way sheíll give up the ghost when thereís a chance Iíll be around to defile her physical manifestation using the methods listed above. ďWe donít know how sheís still holding onóher lungs collapsed two weeks ago, her heart stopped beating the Saturday before last, and Iím pretty sure most of her blood has leaked out into her pee-bag. She just wonít let go until Ray is ready. Thatís true friendship.Ē

ďYeah, something like that.Ē

And that was my day.


posted 5/08/08


Comments:
Entered By rik From Unknown
2008-05-08 17:18:49

Damn it, Ray. I said you could PHOTOSHOP my dead body into different locations. I had no idea this is where it would lead. I'm so mortified at all of those thoughts. However, that business of shooting Jolly Ranchers out of my ass was brilliant.


Entered By Anonymous From Unknown
2008-05-09 01:35:15

you give Ray an idea, and expect him not to run with it?? also, the jolly rancher thing, i have to agree on the brilliance of the idea. i'm also have a funny vision of a vegas slot machine, where you poke her belly button and pull down on one of her arms and out comes the candy. brilliant, and yet practical.


Entered By Ray From Austin
2008-05-09 02:36:04

Sorry, rik, but you now must die for the greater good. Slot machine candy-pooper, here we come!


Entered By Leslie From Texas
2008-05-09 03:32:17

Rik, I would apologize for my dear brother, but you've known him almost as long as I have, so... And unfortunately, I too had an immediate visual image of Jolly Ranchers shooting out of your rear end. It was less slot-machine and more machine-gun style (probably the influence of my war-obsessed children.) The funny thing was, Mom happened to call when I was reading it and I was laughing on the phone, so I had to go into just a little bit of detail. She sighed for a moment, then said, "Well, who exactly were they shooting? Who were the passers-by?" Leave it to Mom -- more concerned about the innocent bystanders who were injured by your Jolly-Rancher-shooting butt. I myself was mostly just wondering if they were Watermelon or Green Apple flavor -- the Jolly Ranchers, not the passers-by.


Entered By Ray From Austin
2008-05-09 04:18:10

I just laughed so hard that I almost puked.


Entered By CM From Unknown
2008-05-09 05:56:20

Ray the thought of you in a g - string....well i am glad that i don't have you in a class. If i was to see that i might just go blind. Rik i know to be aware of the new chocolate jolly ranchers coming in the rear future.


Entered By Ray From Austin
2008-05-09 06:34:11

You would go blind. BLIND WITH THE HORNY! Or maybe blind with disgust, I don't know. Either way, it'd be worth it to go to class with me--you'd love it. Oh, and good job on your disgusting candy butt puns. You should have called them not-so-jolly ranchers, though. Minus two points.


Entered By Lauren From NH
2008-05-09 15:00:06

You GOTTA Photo Shop THAT image Ray.


Entered By Ray From Austin
2008-05-09 15:23:50

Which image are you referring to? There have been so many disturbing ones since this all began.


Entered By CM From Unknown
2008-05-09 16:09:50

Not everyone can be as funny as you. You g-string wearing poo making self.


Entered By rik From Unknown
2008-05-09 16:55:31

Les, that's fucking funny. I can picture entirely how that went with your mom, and the response is classic. I myself also pictured it machine gun style. And Ray, thank you very much for all of this madness. I've never been afraid to die before, but now I am just because it will be so much more embarrassing than ever being alive.


Entered By Lauren From NH
2008-05-09 20:07:41

The machine gun candy shootin' image.


Entered By Ray From Austin
2008-05-09 23:44:57

CM: No one has ever called me a "g-string wearing poo making self" before. I kinda like it. rik: Congratulations to me for finding something more embarrassing than your life. Lauren: I'm on it.


Entered By CM From Unknown
2008-05-10 00:24:24

Ray I do have a question for ya though. So since you say that you are fat and all. When you wear a g-string can you even see the strings?


Entered By Ray From Austin
2008-05-10 01:11:22

I can't, but that goes without saying--I can't see any of the clothes I wear other than my shirt. As far as what YOU can see...well, you gotta pay to find out. I work for cheap, but if I'm jumping out of a cake, I get my normal hourly rate as well as whatever cake lands on the floor.


Entered By Leslie From Texas
2008-05-14 22:16:57

Kudos to Rik for being such a good sport. Way to go, Rik! I'd like to think I'd be as brave as you were after an entire comments section was centered around things shooting out of my butt. Stay strong!


Entered By Ray From Austin
2008-05-15 07:17:21

The awesome part is that it isn't just a comment section anymore--at the time of this writing, there is also another post regarding rik's candy-shooting butt, as well as one of the best poems I've ever read. Which means two MORE comment sections. rik's ass is practically a celebrity at this point. I can't wait for the inevitable photo shoot. Get it? SHOOT! I bet it'll be for a magazine SPREAD! HAhahAhahAhaha! Okay, I'm going to bed now.


Entered By rik From Unknown
2008-05-15 12:31:57

Well, all I can say is that when candy is shooting out of someone's ass, that's funny no matter who's ass it is.


Entered By Ray From Austin
2008-05-15 16:08:54

Glad you feel that way...because it's yours, rik. The candy will be coming out of your ass.


Entered By rik From Unknown
2008-05-15 21:27:22

The candy coming out of my ass I can live with. What I do find incredibly embarrassing is that I used who's instead of whose in that last comment.


Entered By Ray From Austin
2008-05-16 01:02:55

I wasn't going to say anything, but I was deeply ashamed that I had such an ignorant friend.



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