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First-Of-The-Month Quotes: Professionally Creepy by Ray Printer Friendly

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I finally got a new desk calendar, courtesy of rik. Not that it really matters, of course, because I was making do just fine with various scraps of paper taped all over my desk. Now I look like a much more professional deviant, though, which is always a good thing.



“I'll bet the public would pay to see a video of a gimp trying to shit-kick a fat guy. I'll have my people look into it.”

.

“Grow up.”

“That’s the meanest thing you’ve ever said to me. I hope if you have a baby, it dies.”

“Fuck!”

“See how it feels?”

.

“Fuckin’ gay guys know everything about the pussy.”

.

“My penis is flaccid and my finger stinks.”

“That’s a sad combination.”

.

“Imagine them a year stupider.”

.

“I hardly ever talk to myself in the bathroom. Mostly, I just say, ‘Good lord!’”

.

“Millions die today because Ray’s hilarious.”

.

“Teeth are stupid. What if that’s what the dentist said? ‘You have stupid teeth.’”

.

“I just choked on non-cervical mucus.”

.

“That’s the cool thing about having kids—it’s like a science experiment.”

.

“Are you doing anything weird?”

“You asked me that at a very awkward time.”

.

“Do you know when most teenage pregnancies occur?”

“After sex.”

.

“‘Cervical mucus on Ray’s cock.’ That’s exactly what you were thinking.”

.

“And by love, I mean love. Real love.”

“Not just jacking off a donkey?”

“No, that’s rarely love.”

.

“Don’t make me giggle.”

“Why?”

“Because it makes me laugh.”

.

“You sometimes do odd things…to food.”

.

“What does that mean, ‘he saw lots of penis?’”

“I think it means he saw more than one penis. Many more.”

.

“Don’t piss off the universe—I have to use it tomorrow.”

.

“If she were having an orgasm, she probably wouldn’t be thinking about things up my ass.”

.

“If you could teach someone to breathe out of their asshole while there’s a dick in it, you’d be a hit in the porn industry.”

.

“I will never tell my kids anything you tell me to tell them.”

.

“I hate the idea of a man-hand on my cock.”

.

“But she’s doin’ guys now?”

“Yeah…I have no need for that kind of lesbian.”

.

“You’re a pee-hole.”

.

“Like, right before I get into the stirrups: ‘You ever see a glittery vagina? Do you want to?’”

.

This is the only thing that will hold my sperm—two liters of Pepsi!”

.

“I really have to pee, and I’m takin’ you with me.”

.

“Stop fucking my dryer.”

“Absolutely not.”

.

“My hair was doing amazing things.”

“Was it juggling penguins?”

“…Yeah. Yeah, it was.”

.

“By ‘in marketing,’ I mean, ‘what’s your sister’s name?’”

.

“I think he cries in the human bathroom.”

.

“That’s a lot of sperm!”

“Well…that’s a lot of fallopian tube.”

.

“Did you just call me stupid?”

“No, I’d never call you stupid. I just said that the things you care about are stupid.”

.

“Eat it, humanity!”

.

“There’s no way you’d watch that. Wait…you have watched it, haven’t you?”

“Take my silence however you want.”

.

“I think truth is a relative term.”

.

“You say something like, ‘I saw something kinky on the internet I want to try,’ people run like hell.”

.

“Karma’s a motherfucker.”

“I’ve heard that three times today.”

.

“We shoot our wad early at The Strangelands.”

.

“I hate when I tell a joke and the devil laughs.”

.

“I just saw the words, ‘acidic vaginal secretions.’”

.

“You suck at friend.”

.

“My shooting days ended.”

.

“When your gynecologist is giving you anti-depressants, that’s when you need to get laid.”

.

“If your butt hurts, then so does mine.”

.

“I just landed on three dicks.”

.

“Everyone who came to my house had issues with self-hatred.”

.

“A prison vagina, that’s what I like to call my butthole.”

.

“It’d be a great cartoon: ‘Airtight.’”

.

“Yeah, just some drunk guy telling you he’ll give you a million dollars to blow a goat, don’t do it. Make him show you the money.”

.

“Maybe I’m an instrument of Karma.”

“No, Karma has more sense than that.”

.

“Just go sit and fuck.”

.

“You shouldn’t lose what you have, because that’s what makes you you.”

.

“An asshole is very much like an oyster.”

.

“This conversation’s going places I don’t want to go.”

.

“Toilet babies have cold hands; don’t play in the toilet.”

.

“You’re so judgmental about your knowledge intake.”

.

“I just Google-imaged the word ‘rectum.’ It’s horribly disgusting and amazingly awesome at the same time. It might be one of the best things I’ve ever done with my life.”

.

“I’m not saying she can’t be clever instantly.”

.

“I need you to equal me. Stoop to my level!”

.

“You could suck a boxing glove down the toilet.”

.

“Nothing’s important until it has a dollar sign attached to it.”

.

“If you’re gonna die, you might as well die for your own sins.”

.

“I don’t know who his parents are, bein’ that he’s adopted, but they must be some smart, weird-lookin’ motherfuckers.”

.

“You’re inappropriate, but funny.”

.

“I’ll lick you…lick you right in your eyes. Does that make you feel poetic?”

.

“I don’t know how many days I’ve been wearing this underwear, but it’s not good.”

.

“Tell ‘em Trey sent ya.”

“Fuck no—I’ve learned my lesson.”

.

“I don’t know how to be nice funny. That just doesn’t fit.”

.

“What? I have to dildo my own ass? I’m not my own arch-nemesis.”

“Being an arch-nemesis does not involve dildo-ing an ass.”

“So you’re quitting?”

.

“Isn’t that a rule? Nothing bigger than a Q-tip in your nose?”

“You’ll never make it in porn.”

.

“I think you have to try everything once—so I went on a fuckin’ church retreat.”

.

“Never trust a lesbian with your cock or with your heart.”

.

“I had this dream where this chick wanted to do anal. Her asshole had pussy lips around it. It creeped me out.”

“Wow.”

“Yeah. So I think I’m completely asexual.”

.

“I like to watch Reality squirm.”



As always, feel free to add your own in the comments.


posted 4/02/08


Comments:
Entered By rik From Unknown
2008-04-02 02:35:05

I'm sure I've said this before, but mostly the First of the Month Quotes serve as a personal reminder of why God stays pissed at me.


Entered By Diane From NH
2008-04-08 13:57:15

I think you have ass on your mind way too much lately. Not that thinking about ass is all that bad usually, but anything more than "oh, she has a nice ass" is a bit odd. And this month's FOTM quotes have taken a very strange turn. Are you going to prison, Ray? Is this some subconscious manifestation of your fears of becoming a jail wife? I'm just sayin...


Entered By Ray From Austin
2008-04-09 02:13:22

I'm going to address this because it apparently has several people worried about how much of my communication involves ass. There were nine references to assplay, if you include the Airtight Cartoon one, which really only counts if you were around last month to discover what airtight is slang for. So 9 references. Most of those happened in one conversation, although there were two or three that came up later. So we're down to 6 in one conversation. Of those, I probably said about 3. There were 75 quotes this month. 3 out of 75 isn't so bad. In summation: the stuff about butts should only be as worrisome as everything else about the FOTM quotes.


Entered By rik From Unknown
2008-04-09 17:37:40

Skew the numbers any way you want, but you should probably go ahead and face the fact that your future calling is that of a prison bitch.


Entered By Ray From Austin
2008-04-09 19:14:47

Look, if I ever planned on denying that, I wouldn't have gotten the tattoo that says "Prizen Bitch 4 Life." I'm just saying that we shouldn't get upset about the quantity of quotes that involve ass. There are just as many quotes involving weird vagina stuff like cervical mucus and vaginal secretions, by the way. I don't see anyone getting upset about THAT.


Entered By Jesse From Austin, TX
2008-04-09 22:16:09

I just got word that the Protection of Undisclosable Secretions Society would like to lodge a formal complaint against Ray for his recent flood of anti-vaginal emission sentiment. They're onto you, Ray. I fear you haven't seen the last of P.U.S.S.


Entered By Ray From Austin
2008-04-10 03:20:20

I've had run-ins with them in the past, and it's usually not pleasant. Last time, I was accused of being petty--"small" is the word used, if I remember correctly. The key to these meetings is to get in and out, quickly, and then run away, usually to cry in a corner.



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