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Things I Never Needed To Know by Ray Printer Friendly

“How long do sperm live?”

This is how conversations start when you have friends like mine. The tragic part is, a simple, “I don’t know” won’t work. Which is why I found myself at my computer last night glad that Google doesn’t judge me. I typed in the question, and found the answer at a place called Baby Hopes, where you can get everything from your saliva monitor to your Conception Curve fertility pillow. Which is like a tipped over chair. You lie there on your back with your legs in the air after sex, so that…you know what? Never mind.

What I discovered while exploring the site is that when you get right down to it, reproduction is actually more disgusting than all the freaky sex I’ve ever had. Have you ever heard the term “hostile cervical mucus?” I hadn’t. It’s a real thing, though. Something to do with pH levels, I believe. I was fascinated and disgusted, and I will never look at a vagina the same way again.

Almost as disturbing as the content were the ads:

I skipped the sperm detection kit, but my curiosity got the best of me and I had to follow some of the other links. Which is where I found out about things like cervical mucus. Which creeps the hell out. As if that weren’t enough, they also kept mentioning hostile cervical mucus. This seems like an idea for a porn/horror cross-over movie.

Some guy doing this chick, everything’s going well, but then when he busts all over her face, her cervix gets angry because it thought it would get some sperm. “What do you do when your lover’s body turns…hostile? Only one man can sate her—retired cocksmith Dick Poundington. But is he willing to risk it all for someone he doesn’t even know? Or is this a final chance for a hard man to find love? Cumming this summer: Do Me Deadly!”

I also found out about this:

The name alone gives me a case of the ickies. As if that wasn’t enough, you’ve also got the reviews, which seem sad, hilarious, and weird all at the same time (my favorites are below the picture, if you don’t want to read through all of them):

It’s the first one and the last one that get me, I think.

“WOW! What a product! Never Had Better Lubrication Than When We Do When We Use Pre-Seed. Will Let You Know When We Find Out We Are Pregnant! Hopefully Find Out Next Week! This Product Is So Smooth & Well Worth Your Money! LOVE, LOVE, LOVE IT!! We Recommend It To Everybody!!”


First of all, why does every word start with an upper-case letter? “JI” did the caps-lock exclamation thing, so she knows how to make it look like she’s shouting while she types. When you do the first letter only, is that like talking loud or something?

Second of all, “Never Had Better Lubrication Than When We Do When We Use Pre-Seed.”

Third of all, does anyone else think it’s odd that she says they recommend it to “Everybody?” Because in my head, I see this lady going around making social situations very uncomfortable. You’re at the post office, “Yeah, I need to mail this Priority, and a book of stamps. Also, my husband and I just started using Pre-Seed lubricant, and we LOVE, LOVE, LOVE IT!! I totally recommend it.”

Or at church. Or the library. Or you’re sitting there in traffic, and you see her frantically making the motion for you to roll down your window. You roll it down, “Pre-Seed lubricant is so smooth & well worth your money. My husband and I never had better lubrication! I recommend you try it out!”

She gets pregnant, I guarantee she breast feeds in public.

The last one gets me, too.

"My lack of mucus has concerned me for months now, so I ordered pre-seed. Dh and I used it this past week, and it has worked wonderfully. Intercourse has gone from baby making and sex to love making which helps the entire process.?


Why is that question mark there? Is she asking us if going from baby making and sex to love making helps the process? Or did she just get to the end and go, “What the hell did I just write?”

Also, did she name her partner as Dh? Because that’s weird, man. When I read it, my brain saw it as “Duh,” and that made this review even more surreal.

In conclusion, I think that while sex is pretty cool (or “love making” as “W” puts it), when you start actively trying to reproduce, it gets all grody. Instead of porn movie phrases like, “You’re making me so wet,” you’re hearing shit like, “The pH levels in my cervical mucus are good.”

And frankly, I think that’s a shame. A damn shame.

posted 3/16/08


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