I sent rik a couple of pictures that I had been working on in Photoshop—one of a nastier version of the Stripper’s Vagina candle and one of my first attempt at fabricating smoke effects. Here is the email conversation that followed (note: this is an extremely raunchy conversation, so if you're my mom, don't even think about reading it, and if you're my sister, you should probably think real hard before you do).
rik: Your smoke has scary faces in it, and your vagina is just wrong.
Don't ever send me a vagina candle again.
Ray: My vagina is spectacular. Oh, wait, you meant the Photoshop stuff. My bad. Hey, guess what? Cervical mucus!
rik: why would you go there before noon?
Ray: I've been haunted by it since last night. In fact, I'm at this very moment writing a post about it. And it's all your fault. That's why.
rik: i refuse to be blamed for cervical mucus—hostile or otherwise
Ray: "Cervical Mucus—Hostile Or Otherwise" would be a great title for an album.
rik: Yes. particularly for a band of angry lesbians.
Ray: That could be their name: Band of Angry Lesbians. And it would be made up of guys.
rik: gay or straight?
Ray: Straight, I think. Maybe the drummer could be a girl. She would also be straight. Their manager would be gay, though. Also, almost all of their songs would be about sucking cock.
Ray: Song titles include such hits as
Coat Me With Your Love
Quickest Way To My Heart Is Down Your Throat
Make My Soul Choke
(After a rather long response time)
rik: Wow, I don't know how I missed this email when you sent it, but I feel that we're going to a place that makes me feel like the sun should go away.
Ray: Is the sun going to go away down your throat or up your butt? [strictly in reference to earlier song titles—that was a little too crude and juvenile even for me]
rik: i don't feel like I should have to answer that question
Ray: But I bet you have one anyway, don't you?
rik: Maybe you didn't notice that I started a whole new e-mail with a different title so that we could get off this topic...
Ray: If you doubt I can turn them both to making you feel dirty inside, you are sadly mistaken.
rik: Oh, it wasn't doubt. Just hope.
Ray: One of my favorite hobbies is extinguishing your hope. Which gives me another idea for a song title: Killing Your Hope, One Spurt At A Time
rik: I'm thinking I choose my friends based on suppressed self-destruction tendencies.
Ray: That makes a lot of sense, really. As much as we talk, you must really hate yourself, huh?
rik: It's the only conclusion that makes sense.
Did you know they have Donkey Kong for wii? I JUST saw it on the internet. I wonder if it's cool.
Ray: It's hard to imagine Donkey Kong not being cool. Unless he just sits there through the entire game talking about his feelings and telling you about his recent shopping trip.
rik: You're right. And the picture didn't show him talking—just punching the air and looking AWESOME
Ray: If his last name is Kong, that picture showed...Donkey punching?
rik: Oh, excellent!!!
That was brilliant.
I never understood why his first name was Donkey...it all makes sense now. He was always trying to get to that girl so that he could get to work.
Ray: Yep. And Mario, the cliché porn plumber, “Anyone need their PIPES cleaned out?” Trying to climb that ladder so he could get in on the action.
Also, Mrs. PacMan turned tricks.
rik: Leave Mrs. PacMan out of this.
Ray: I knew that would get you. Which is why I'm already busy in Photoshop.
rik :Why?! Why?! Why do you insist on torturing me?!
Ray: Because it's freakin' hilarious. I thought I'd told you that before.