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First-Of-The-Month Quotes: Painful Omissions by Ray Printer Friendly

The worst thing about this month’s First-Of-The-Month quotes is that I’ve had to omit some of them. There were several that I really thought belonged, but had to leave off simply because their subject matter would betray the quoted.

I’ve learned a few things since I first started writing these things. One is that people get nervous when you pull out a pen and pad and start writing down the shit they’re saying. Really nervous. It doesn’t even matter if they’re saying something bad or not. Just the fact that you’ll be able to quote them verbatim later really screws people up.

Another thing I’ve learned is that you have to be willing to sacrifice a few quotes—even if they are totally wicked ass—in order to keep them coming. People say all kinds of messed up stuff around me, even though they now realize that I write it down. They do this with the understanding that it will be anonymous. So if a quote will give away their identity, and they request that I don’t use it, it’s scrapped. It’s too bad, but I think it all works out in the long run.



“Even talking to you, I’m not sure if I say things. Does that make sense?”

“As much as anything you say…or don’t”

.

“I peed on my leg, and it started burning, right? Like acid. I need to drink more water.”

.

“I licked the frosting off and a half-second after I did that, I realized that even though it worked out, it could have gone really wrong.”

“You gotta stop masturbating while you’re drunk.”

“Either that, or eating.”

.

“I’ve had conversations with the Republicans in my head often.”

.

“She has a strange grip on reality’s penis.”

.

“It’s like you’re those people at Mervyn’s.”

.

“I would fuck the shit out of Smurfette, you don’t even know.”

.

“I went to bed and didn’t kill anyone.”

.

“Get away from my chips, meat juice!”

“Did you just call me meat juice?”

“Not intentionally, but…yes.”

.

“He was totally gay—he wouldn’t even fuck-start Sarah Silverman’s head.”

.

“So would you do your sister?”

“That’s disgusting. How much money is involved?”

“I don’t know…800 bucks.”

“No way! I don’t have that kind of cash.”

.

“In another hundred years, we’ll be buried under our own failings.”

.

“Big bald guys need to be careful about shaving their beards. They can end up looking like a penis. Uncut, of course.”

.

“I moved the internet.”

.

“True love ain’t got jack shit on true friendship. And vice versa.”

.

“Oh, man—forced eye contact while you’re being masturbated. How uncomfortable.”

.

“We discussed having children?”

“We did—you said you wanted to try it through blowjobs.”

.

“There’s a thin line between immaturity and poetry.”

.

“Did I say something about having my dick in a ham?”

“Sounds like something you would say, even though you have no dick.”

“More like, ‘I don’t have a dick. Here’s a ham.’”

“Hm.”

.

“I like my name being associated with the bottom of the barrel.”

.

“I didn’t catch the first rule of Fight Club, only from the second one on. So now I’m all confused.”

“I think the first one is that you’re supposed to bring Rice Krispy treats.”

.

“I’m talking about cock again—unbelievable!”

.

“Quit thinking you’re so special that I’m gonna kill you.”

.

“And by the way, motherfucker, I’ve got very mixed feelings about what you’re doing with your life right now.”

.

“Sandwiched between Trey’s filth; I’m not sure how I feel about that.”

“You’re aroused and sick to your stomach.”

“Not a position I ever thought I’d find myself in.”

“Don’t lie.”

.

“And I laughed, because I think it’s funny when people scream at spiders.”

.

“I have to agree—butt-sex macaroni. I like it.”

.

“I always look like I’m fuckin’ nuts, but I’m not. I always know exactly what I’m doing.”

.

“Get out of the baby wipes, you freak.”

.

“I’ve got to turn down Billy Joel to think.”

.

“I feel icky right now. As disturbed as I feel talking to you most of the time, rarely do I feel icky.”

“Is it making you hot?”

“No.”

.

“Look at these boots—they’ve been places. You ever had a drugged-out DJ lick coke off your shoes in a bathroom stall? Your shoes are nothin’.”

.

“I see what you tried to do there, but it doesn’t look as good as Ray’s monkey.”

.

“What’s a lemur?”

“It’s a little creature.”

“Like a groundhog.”

“I don’t know if I’d say that. They’re like…I don’t know…they have these huge eyes.”

“Remember you killed your brother’s ferret that time?”

“Shut the fuck up.”

“You dried him. Didn’t you?”

.

“I don’t want to be toxic.”

.

“It’s not assassinated if you aren’t famous.”

.

“I cleaned it with my semen.”

.

“Doing laundry does not make you a Goonie.”

.

“Some of these comedians, I would rather jack off than listen to.”

.

“Why is she in a wheelchair?”

“She can’t walk.”

.

“You’re lucky I’m pregnant or I’d kick your ass.”

.

“You don’t take off your pants to talk to me on the phone?”

.

“Oh no. I’m making death threats without knowing it. To my friends. And it’s you.”

“I know, fucker—that’s why I’m bothered.”

.

“You should tell him to pipe up.”

.

“The cool thing about these places is that everyone looks like a character actor.”

.

“You can’t beat stupid.”

.

“No man—we can’t fuck until I’m your moral superior.”

.

“We have muriatic acid now. We can kill whoever we want.”



So there you have it. You know, these things never seem nearly as disturbing when I’m jotting them down. Then I go back and read them, and all I can think is, “I only know lunatics. Deranged, sex-crazed, hilarious lunatics.”

As always, feel free to add your own in the comments.


posted 3/01/08


Comments:
Entered By Dave Riley From Unknown
2008-03-01 23:16:52

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Entered By Dave Riley From Unknown
2008-03-01 23:21:06

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Entered By Ray From Austin
2008-03-02 19:05:13

Okay, apparently putting things in quotation marks doesn\'t work down here in the comments, either. So maybe hold off on adding your own quotes until Trey fixes shit. Lousy, vacationing bastard.


Entered By Anonymous From Unknown
2008-03-03 02:27:44

Obviously not a permanent fix, but, if you enter ampersand pound 1 4 6 semicolon, altogether (no spaces), it makes an apostrophe. It’s worth trying, isn’t it?



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