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First-Of-The-Month Quotes: Still No Calendar by Ray Printer Friendly

I still haven’t gotten a new desk calendar. I tore off the December page at the first of January, fully expecting to get a replacement. The only reason I didn’t throw away the large, brown piece of pasteboard—the remains of my calendar—was because it was so big that it didn’t fit in the trashcan. Warranting a special trip to the dumpster is the quickest way to becoming a permanent fixture in my office.

Around this time, I was also fooling around with stencils. Some, I downloaded, others I made on my own. I would print them out, cut out the design with an X-Acto knife, and then spray-paint them on…well, on whatever. The large brown piece of pasteboard was a perfect medium on which to practice. After spray-painting a sexy pair of gartered-up legs in high-heels onto the pasteboard, and after covering the back with a couple of other pictures—one was a picture that I transformed into a stencil, the other was a graphic of a lurking zombie—I became even less inclined to throw it away.

Instead, I put it back on my desk and proceeded to write the new First-Of-The-Month Quotes on it.

Why am I telling you all of this? Well, I had originally planned on posting a couple pictures of it, just because I thought it looked kind of cool. The thing is, I left my memory card reader at my mom’s when I was home for the holidays, and I still haven’t gotten it back. Is it me, or does it always take extra long to get shit back when you leave it at Christmas? I mean, any other time I visit and forget something, she mails it in a matter of hours or days. But Christmas? Months pass before I get that stuff back.

Anyway, so there aren’t any pictures. But you aren’t here for pictures are you? No—you’re here for the quotes. So here:



“You know what we need to do, is befriend a maniac.”

.

“Everyone is telling this story, and it goes on and on, and I can’t get over the fact that the nuns have a computer.”

“Hey, nuns need their porn, too.”

.

“I was trying to get booze, but the light’s burned out.”

.

“How many times do you eat a day? All of them?”

“What? Have you lost your mind?”

“Is that a rhetorical question?”

.

“I found the best bartender in the place, and spent a lot of time with him.”

.

“Talking about my mother’s dusty ovaries—we’re even now, just so you know.”

.

“They’re like mini-vans. For pimps.”

.

“They were covered in Peep glitter.”

.

“If he’s broke and without internet access, he’s all right.”

.

“They probably smell like old person sex.”

.

“I laugh now, as my life turns to shit. I’m amused by it, I don’t take it personally. It’s just my life, is all.”

.

“I don’t know why people are quoting you.”

“Because I’m fucking awesome. I don’t know why more people don’t quote me.”

.

“That’s what I’m gonna start telling people when they ask: ‘What are you doing? Where have you been?’ ‘Yep, just hanging with Kevin Bacon.’”

.

“I like it—just…unjustifiable optimism.”

.

“I can’t go to India.”

“Why?”

…“I got school.”

.

“And gay people can’t drum?”

No. They listen to…not drums. Marching bands, that’s what they listen to.”

“I have never known a gay person that listened to marching bands.”

“You don’t know the right gay people.”

.

“I don’t know, he still jerks off on that stop. I don’t know what that’s all about.”

.

“It’s not like I chopped her dad up and fed him to her in chili.”

.

“I figured, ‘If the bums won’t get it, neither will I.’”

.

“She bought a National Enquirer. We were at Walgreens, I was so embarrassed. It’s not bad enough that I’ve got the three dollar sweatshirt that I’m buying, now I’ve got this with my stuff.”

.

“I’m lookin’ for a horse butt.”

.

“And I don’t talk shit about Native Americans, ever. Because they have powers. Super powers.”

“Yeah. Plus, they’re like, buried everywhere.”

.

“I tried to talk her into quitting her job—that’s another welfare payment.”

.

“That was a real Willy Wonka moment there.”

.

“I lose everything, constantly.”

.

“On a scale of one to ten, how bad is rectal bleeding?”

“I think that depends on how heavy the flow is.”

“That does seem to be the question, doesn’t it?”

.

“I bought Cheetos—I have buyer’s remorse.”

.

“I wish people who lived in trailer parks didn’t always look so much like people who lived in trailer parks.”

.

“All books have God inside—you just have to know where to look. I think it’s on page 47.”



Originally, I had posted this and ended with the God quote as the last thing on the page. While proofreading, I decided to give it a try. I picked a book at random off the shelf, barely even looking. I flipped to page 47 and read the first sentence my eyes settled upon:

“Does he ever have a happy face?”

“Yeah, I saw him smile once when he ran over a toad in the parking lot.”

Profound.


posted 2/01/08


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