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Giving Cooking Instruction by Ray Printer Friendly

I decided to make a frozen pizza for dinner tonight. Iím a fan of the DiGiorno Ultimate. I used to really enjoy their cheese-stuffed crust pizzas. My all-time favorite is probably still those giant deep-dish bastards they used to make, that took like half a day to cook. You cut yourself a slice, it weighs like ten pounds, itís nothiní but greasy awesomeness. Good stuff.

But the Ultimate isnít too bad. Itís better if you throw a few more pepperoni slices on it, but even without that, itís still one of the better frozen pizzas in the market, in my opinion.

Up until tonight, the only thing that really bothered me is that DiGiorno is always pimping how it tastes just like delivery pizza. I mean, their entire advertising campaign is built around this concept, you know? In fact, the box that the DiGiorno Ultimate comes in, you can pull this little tab, itíll open up so it even looks like a delivery pizza box (kind of).

And letís be honest: it doesnít taste like delivery. Itís good, sure, but itís not delivery.

You know it, DiGiorno, and I know it. Letís just drop the pretenses, okay? We can have a long and meaningful relationship without the lies, okay? If it makes you feel better, Iíve mislead you, too: Iím not really Inspector Gadgetóthe day you caught me with my penis toaster, I was just seeing what it was like. Youíre a store-bought frozen pizza and Iím a nasty freak with a toaster fetish. Letís move on.

I say ďup until tonight,Ē the only thing to bother me was this penchant for deception, because tonight, I noticed something about the cooking instructions. You look on the back, you have where they tell you what to do if you want a crisper crust or a softer crust, they tell you all about how to preheat your oven and whatnot. But then, and this was the part that bothered me, they put in big, bold print, Keep pizza frozen while oven preheats!

This seems like a pretty petty thing to get all ate up about. I mean, how long does it take for an oven to heat up? Like a minute? Two? It takes me that long to figure out how to get the plastic wrapper off the pizza.

Look, someone obviously felt that this was important enough to add to the instructions, and thatís fine. Maybe the guy testing it, heís a professional pizza eater, and heís like, ďMan, if you keep it frozen those extra two minutes, it actually tastes a little better.Ē You want the pizza to taste the best it can, I get that. Itís beneficial to both DiGiorno and myself. I get a better dining experience, and you get my repeat business.

But to put it in bold? I donít think itís that important. You put it in the big bold letters, you seem less like a proud pizza maker than you do a drunken abusive husband. ďKeep it frozen while the oven preheats! And dinnerís at 6:30! Not 6:31, not 6:29! You canít get my dinner to me on time, you can taste my belt, you hear? Answer me, bitch!Ē

What started out as an enjoyable evening with a special treat for dinner now ends up with me huddled in the corner, weeping and trying to protect my kidneys from angry blows.

Out of spite, I let the pizza thaw on the counter even after I knew that the oven was hot. And you know what? It turned out fine.

Well, I did burn the shit out of myself when I removed it from the oven, and then the toppings slid off onto my wrist causing another burn. And I do have a black eye from where I, uh...ran into a door. Clumsy me.

But the pizza was delicious.

Note: Just in case you didnít catch how clever the title of this post wasóthe term ďgiving instructionĒ was one I picked up out of a Stephen King story called ďHome DeliveryĒ a long time ago (which was actually not at all about pizza, believe it or not, and more about zombies). Itís slang for spousal abuse. Yep, clever.

posted 1/13/08


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