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Amazonian Awesomeness by Ray Printer Friendly

I’ve been doing a lot on online shopping lately. Some of it was Christmas shopping for others, but most of it was Christmas shopping for me. For Christmas this year, my princess gave me a few small things and then let me loose with a substantial amount of cash so that I could buy myself the stuff I wanted. Some people feel that giving money for Christmas is kind of a thoughtless, heartless gift. I am not one of those people.

We’re generally financially responsible people, and we’re also generally poor. What this means is, any extra money we get, we use to double up on credit card payments, or to buy something that is necessity rather than for fun. So to get a bunch of bucks that I can spend on random weirdness, completely guilt-free, is an outstanding gift. Plus, it’s really difficult to keep track of all the weird shit that I like.

She’ll ask me what I want for a gift, and I don’t usually know until I look around. And once I look around, the collection of random shit I want is so weird that I can’t remember it, so it isn’t a reasonable expectation to hope for her—without any interest in this crap—to be able to recall it all.

This year, I stocked up on comic books, notebooks (the writing kind, not the computer kind), and DVDs. Most of the comic books are Batman comics, most of the notebooks are cool-ass journals (some of which have Batman on the cover), and most of the movies are zombie movies. I did venture into the past with my movie selections, however, picking up such classic titles as They Live, The Monster Squad, Night of the Comet, and Flight of the Navigator. I’d link to them, but it seems like every time I link to stuff, our comment section gets taken over by those annoying, site-jacking spambots.

That said, I would like to recommend some Amazon shopping tools I discovered throughout my shopping adventure, courtesy of The Consumerist. The Nine Better, Cheaper Ways To Shop Amazon is pretty much exactly what the title implies. They have links to a variety of tools you can use to find deals on Amazon, from searching for free-shipping filler to showing only deals that are 90% off. Definitely something to check out, if you aren’t ready to sober up from your holiday spending high.

Wow, Ray, just voicing in to give us some shopping tips—that seems like some rather tame subject matter for you, doesn’t it?

I know, right? Perhaps it’s because I’m getting a little older, a little wiser, and calming down some in order to lead a more tranquil life. Why not? It’s the new year, a good time for a life change. Or perhaps it’s that while using these tools, I discovered that Amazon sells sex toys.

And I laughed my ass off.

Look, I’m not here to judge…okay, I am here to judge. But I’m not here to talk down on sex toys. I think they’re great. I don’t have any myself solely because I have a hard time plonking down hard-earned cash on stuff like that when, for free, I can get the same results using a dog corpse and a really desperate junkie.

I know it seems a guy like me would have discovered that Amazon has sex toys mere moments after they posted the first anal intruder on their website. Frankly, I’m amazed that it has taken me this long. I was using one of the aforementioned shopping tools—junglecrazy.com—when I happened across what was labeled as a “men’s health prostate massager.”

“Baby, I think Amazon sells ass-dildos now,” I called out to my princess. Dead silence followed, and I wondered if she had heard me, until I glanced out and saw her shaking her head. I can always tell I’m onto a good Strangelands post when I have her wondering how the hell she ended up with this kind of life.

“Ass-dildos!” I called out again. “On Amazon!” She locked her eyes onto the television, and I took this as my cue to go back to my internet browsing.

In case you’re wondering how hard I had to look for this thing, I’ll tell you—not hard at all. It was right on the front page, because it’s such a great deal: $4.99, marked down from $24.99! Such a bargain that I almost feel like a fool for not wanting my prostate massaged.

Because it’s me, I clicked on the link. Did you know they have edible cock rings? They do. On Amazon! They also have one with a dolphin on it. Like you put on your cock ring, and on the bottom side of your penis, there’s a little dolphin. Because I think we’ve all been at that point: we’re having some sex, and we suddenly think, “You know, I wish I could fuck this chick with the most adorable mammal in the ocean. It’d be so cute.” Personally, I think they should make sex toys out of Smurfs and Care Bears.

The best part of looking at sex toys on Amazon, however, is when you start looking at that section that says, “Customers who bought this item also bought.”

It’s funny, but it’s also very disturbing. Like, you’ll be looking, “Prostate massager, anal beads, lube, motorcycle helmet.”


It makes me feel like there’s a world of adventurous sex out there that I can’t even imagine. What kind of activities are you involved in where you need a helmet? “Yeah, Bob, I really like all the butt-sex we’ve been having, but I think I got a concussion last night. We really need to do something about that.” Adds a whole new dimension to “having protection.”

Or it’ll be like, “Lube, Fleshlight Lady Stamina Builder Erection Aid, Girls Gone Wild, HALO 3, and Call of Duty 4.” In case you don’t recognize those last two—they’re video games. Video games for the lonely and pathetic, apparently.

You look long enough, it gets flat-out creepy—and I don’t just mean because you realize you’ve been browsing sex toys on Amazon for over an hour. There’s the lube, of course, but like four different kinds. And then a couple kinds of vibrators. And then a hunting knife. A book about skinning wild game. A pair of handcuffs. Plastic tarp. And then a teddy bear holding a heart-shaped balloon that says “Love you bear-y much!”

It’s fuckin’ weird, man. Believe it or not, I saw a couple that were even stranger—I just can’t remember them at the moment, and I didn’t want to bookmark them for fear that I’d be the prime suspect for any and all sex crimes in the Austin area.

My viewing history on Amazon is all kinds of messed up at the moment. You have Cloak & Dagger and Flight of the Navigator, which are both Disney movies. You have some Batman comics. You have printer ink. And then you have a shitpile of sex toys. I’d be lying if I said I hadn’t considered buying something just to mess with the “Customers Who Bought This” section.

Because I think it’d be awesome, you’re sitting there, looking through, you’ve got cartoons, comic books, 80s movies, and then a glow-in-the-dark pocket vagina. And, yes, they do have those on Amazon.

Marked down to $9.99 from $29.99.

posted 1/05/08


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