I did a little movie watching over this past weekend. DVDs, of course, because going to the actual movie theater means that my princess and I have to agree on which movie to watch, and that rarely happens. Or if I get so hungry for theater popcorn that I break down and go watch whatever movie she wants to see. I can usually get her to do a comic book movie with me, but other than that, it’s a no-go.
With DVDs, we usually get something she wants to see (or at least doesn’t detest seeing), and then something for me to watch once she’s in bed or out of the house for a while. There are times when I’ll put my foot down and refuse to watch a movie with her (I’m lookin’ at you, Devil Wears Prada), but usually I’ll flop down beside her and tough it out.
The thing about watching movies is that it almost sounds like an actual activity. “What’d you do this weekend?” “Oh, we watched some movies, it was a pretty good time.” Any time you can make sitting on your ass sound like getting something done, I’m all for it.
Anyway, here’s a rundown of the movies I watched this weekend, as well as a quick review of each. Keep in mind that these are movies you have probably already seen. In fact, you probably saw them a long time ago. This is not meant to be a current event kind of post. This is strictly editorial, and it’s about as topical as jokes about microwave dinners, airplane food, or how silly white people look when they try to be cool.
This movie is great. Seth Rogan is hilarious and Katherine Heigl has good boobs. As if that’s not enough, the supporting cast is perfect, and there’s enough crude humor to entertain an army of junior high kids for weeks. It’s written and directed by the guy who did 40 Year Old Virgin, but in my opinion, Knocked Up is much better. The jokes in Virgin relied a little too much on embarrassing situations for me to truly enjoy the humor, and while there are times in Knocked Up that are definitely cringe-worthy, it isn’t nearly as heavy-handed. The sweet moments of the movie fit perfectly with the rest, instead of being awkward or cliché. If you haven’t seen this movie, you should go out and rent it the next chance you get.
Trey told me this was an awful movie, and although he was so adamant about it that I thought I believed him, there was a part of me that refused to accept it. “Director” Michael Bay grabbed that part of me by the throat, dragged it through a pile of shit (a.k.a. the movie Transformers) and then kicked it in the nuts until it died, confused, disillusioned, and in agony.
The only good thing about this DVD is that when you snap it in two, it transforms into convenient, wrist-shredding shards that you can use to put yourself out of your misery after watching this abomination.
I’ll be honest with you—I don’t even hate Michael Bay as much as most people do. I have a penchant for terrible movies. I liked The Rock. Sure, it was unrealistic, silly, and too much of it was shot in slow motion. The characters were the same as in every Michael Bay movie, the score was the same as in every Michael Bay movie, and the explosions were the same as in every Michael Bay movie. That’s how I thought Transformers would be, but with giant robots kicking the shit out of each other.
And honestly, I was okay with that. Even with that mindset, this movie sucked dead hobo balls.
It’s like Michael Bay wanted to parody himself, and he wanted to ruin a childhood icon while doing it. Most of the movie is an unrecognizable mess of metal. The design of the robots is visually disturbing, inasmuch as it made my eyeballs want to puke. Get me a cheesy soundtrack, a can of lighter fluid, the underside of a bus, and a camera, and I could make this movie. Seriously, it looks like someone pointed a camera at a pile of polished scrap metal, and then just shook for an hour and a half. I should be fair, I guess—the scenes of indistinguishable pieces of talking metal are broken up by human actors. Unfortunately, these scenes are almost worse than the “robot” scenes. The dialogue is scrotum-shriveling in its awfulness, and although Bay tries to divert your attention by flashing hot young girls on the screen, it’s just not enough.
Terrible, terrible movie, whether you loved the cartoon as a child or not. The only reason you should ever rent this DVD is if you’re doing that evil Clockwork Orange shit, where you brace a criminal’s eyes open and make him watch the horrors of humanity. And even then, you might be pushing it.
The Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver Surfer
This movie is what it is: another Hollywood comic book movie with a thin storyline and a pile of special effects. I dig comics, but I don’t have the time, inclination, or cash flow to be an actual comic book nerd. Rarely do I rant about things like how a movie “doesn’t stay true to the comic book character,” or any of those other mundane comic nerd topics. I’m not that die hard about it. But I do think it’s a shame when the rights to a title are bought and then more attention is paid to the toy line than the plot. This second Fantastic Four movie is far from the best comic adaptation I’ve seen, but it isn’t the worst (the worst would be the Batman abortions by that fucktard Joel Schumacher). I thought it was better than the first one, if only for the special effects. It’s fine if you’re looking for something to fill the time, but I wouldn’t go so far as to say I’d recommend it.
I’m going to take a minute to explain this movie, because out of all of the films reviewed here, this is the one you’re the least likely to have heard of. The plot goes something like this: Joe (Luke Wilson) is in an Army experiment. He’s supposed to be cryogenically frozen for one year, but the guy in charge gets arrested for being a pimp, and the experiment is forgotten. Joe wakes up 500 years later to discover that he is the smartest man on the planet. Because only the brainless idiots of society have been reproducing (while the more intelligent people wait for the right time to have a baby), and because of idiotic television programming, and because the majority of people in general are morons, everyone in the future is stupid.
Idiocracy was written and directed by Mike Judge, who you probably know from Beavis and Butthead, King of the Hill, and Office Space. I read a while back that because of the terrible marketing for Office Space, as well as all of the stupid Hollywood bullshit he had to go through, Judge decided not to do movies anymore. The studio guys begged him and begged him, promising that this time it would be different, this time it would be better. He agreed, and this time, things were even worse. I found out about this movie the day before it was released, and it’s rare that I talk to anyone who has even heard of it.
If you can find this at your video store, rent it. Blockbuster had it, so it’s not like it’s a rare find or anything, but considering the shelves and shelves of direct-to-DVD bullshit I saw while movie hunting this weekend, you might overlook it.
The worst thing about this movie is how you kind of want to laugh and cry at the same time while watching it. The people in the future accidentally kill off all their crops by watering them with “Brawndo,” a sports drink. “It’s got electrolytes! It’s what plants crave!” One of the most popular TV shows is “Ow! My Balls!” in which a guy gets hit in the balls over and over. Basically, it’s a world of people who bought the latest Brittney Spears album. As funny and stupid as that sounds, it’s feasible in a weird sort of way, and that terrifies me.
So those were the movies I watched over the weekend. I also ate out a few times and took a couple different kinds of pain medication, but those reviews will have to wait until another time.