I was bored and Vicodin-ed up one night and wrote this for submission to an online humor magazine. I don’t have anything else tonight, so I’m dumping it out on you.
It’s October, which means Halloween, which means we’ll be seeing scary stuff all over the place. I’m not just talking about the fat girl who insists on dressing up in the “sexy witch” costume, either. Monsters, demons, screaming skulls—you’ll see these things on display everywhere you go for the next twenty-four days.
But in a world where you can barely browse the internet without being exposed to Britney Spears’ worn-out baby chute, or the latest drugged-up, Jew-hating celebrity rant, we’ve become desensitized to horror. Which is where I come in. Here are some things that will truly keep you up at night, covered in sweat and wondering if that itchy anus is something to be concerned about:
Creatures That Will Literally Get Under Your Skin
1. Dermatobia hominis (Bot Fly): These little bastards are parasitic jerks on a couple of levels. First, the female grabs a mosquito and deposits her eggs onto it. Then the mosquito goes to feed, on you and I. The eggs hatch while the mosquito feeds, and the larvae use the fresh hole in your body as a passageway. Then they just hang out under your skin for about six to eight weeks, being totally creepy and gross—or “maturing,” if you want the technical term. During this time, you will lose all of your friends and loved ones, as well as the option of ever getting laid again. Because, you know—you’re that guy sporting the colony of bugs under your skin.
You can try to remove them, but they have hooks that attach to your tissue, and they will sometimes hold on so tight that instead of just coming out, they’ll pop, causing infection. Infection from the dead maggot in your skin. Pleasant.
Extra bonus: Just for the record, I gagged myself a couple of times while looking this shit up on the internet, so I hope you can appreciate it. If you aren’t completely grossed out yet, you should read about these people getting parasited all over the place. It’s pretty nasty.
2. Sarcoptes scabiei (Scabies Mite): A little more proactive than bot flies, these mites burrow into the skin on their own to start up a family inside of you—they don’t need no stinkin’ mosquitoes. The female digs in, dropping eggs as she burrows. The eggs and the consequent larvae cause extreme itching, as well as a rash. Once hatched, the offspring head topside, looking for hair follicles where they can feed and molt (molt is a fancy way of saying they peel off their old, dead skin, and just drop it; so instead of just having bugs living inside of you, you also have their biological refuse). Then it’s mating time—they come out of their follicle holes to do this, so you’re kind of like a big, nasty hotel bed to them, as well as a buffet table—and the magical circle of life begins anew.
3. Enterobius vermicularis (Pin Worm): These parasites live in the lower intestine and feed off of the food you eat. The females come out, usually at night, and deposit eggs around the anus. Yep, eggs around the anus—from 20,000 to 30,000. And as if that isn’t bad enough, she then secretes a substance around the anus that makes it itch. She does this so that you’ll scratch your asshole, and get a bunch of the eggs under your fingernails, on your hands, or on your roommates toothbrush—whatever it is that you generally use to scratch your asshole. The recommended way to see if you have these worms is to check at night, when they’re out cavorting on your anus. If you have someone willing to do this for you, you have better friends than I. I knew a guy who woke up one night while his mother was checking him for these things. Imagine waking up in the middle of the night, your mom’s looking up your butt with a flashlight. Yeah. Over twenty years ago, and he still ain’t right.
Extra bonus: A two-for-one puke catalyst! It’s a colonoscopy where you see the pinworms inside! So not only are you seeing the inside of an old man’s ass, you also get to see the parasites within! Fantastic, if you love vomiting on yourself.
4. Vandellia cirrhosa (Candiru fish): You might not know the name of these devilish creatures, but you know what they are. They’re the fish that live in the Amazon River and are attracted by pee. They swim up your urethra, attach themselves with barbs, and feed off your blood. They have these big fangs that they’ll jam into your tissue, so if you try to pull them out, it tears up all kinds of shit. Apparently, the nickname of this fish is “The Terrifying Toothpick Fish.” That’s so you know it’s scary, I guess. I prefer to call it “That fish that gets in your penis.” Because, really, after it’s been established that this thing wants inside my dick, I don’t need any adjectives like “terrifying.”
5. Spiders: I included spiders because it seems like pretty much everyone has heard a story about a spider that lays eggs underneath the skin, and then baby spiders burst out everywhere. It’s a big world, so I’m not saying it’s impossible. Maybe there is a spider out there that drops its eggs inside of you and then runs off, leaving its offspring to feed on your terror and your innards. I’m just saying that I have never, ever, ever seen the internet agree on something so strongly. I didn’t find one documented case of spider eggs hatching in a person, and the general consensus is that spiders just like to be left alone.
If they’re coming out of your skin, you’re a junkie and you need to stop it right now.
There are also stories about the spiders living in a lady's hairdo, which is also untrue. If you have spiders living in your hairdo, you’re a junkie and you need to stop it right now.
There are also stories about spider eggs in chewing gum, and when someone blows a bubble, it pops and spiders come flooding out. Again: not true. If spiders are coming out of your gum, you’re a junkie, and you need to stop it right now.
Seriously, what is it with junkies and spiders? That’s what gets under my skin—
6. Stupid junkies with all of their tales of spider infestation: So unoriginal. Hey junkies! I’ll start listening to your problems when you have something cool bursting out of your skin, like bears on unicycles or monkeys dressed up like little lawyers, and they’re all carrying briefcases and leather day planners.
“They aren’t real, Evelyn! Can’t you see it’s the DRUGS?!”
“But they’re so adorable with their little neckties!”