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First-Of-The-Month Quotes: Feelin' Good (Or Bad) by Ray Printer Friendly

Let’s face it: you don’t click on the First-Of-The-Month Quotes to read my introductions. You click on them to read all sorts of odd and disturbing quotes that make you feel better about yourself. Unless, of course, you see your own words displayed, thrown back in your face like a hot cup full of sexually transmitted disease you thought long-since cured.

If that’s the case, I’m not sure why you click on the First-Of-The-Month Quotes, unless you’re into that kind of thing, getting STDs thrown in your face or whatever. Sick bastard.

Anyway, here they are:



“For a brief moment, I thought maybe she took the butcher knife for reasons known only to her.”

.

“According to him, they did a lot of roast beef eating in the olden days.”

.

“I’m more of a talk show host than a friend.”

.

“It’s all bad shit for a penis-bearer.”

.

“I’m just like that boxer: sting like a butterfly, fuck like a bee.”

.

“She says she’s special needs, and that just makes me laugh even harder.”

.

“I want a buffet platter of corndogs.” (I heard this in class one day—some girl talking about her wedding reception, I shit you not.)

.

“I wish there was a band called The Ear Ninjas.”

.

“You’re a bad man.”

“Yeah, anyone drinking gin straight out of the bottle on a Tuesday night is a bad man—deal with it.”

.

“I was touching myself and reading an ad for Restasis.” (I’m including this link because I didn’t know what Restasis was. I Googled it, and laughed my ass off when I saw what it was.)

.

“He told her he was from Texas and she asked if that was in California.”

.

“She’s an awesome cook—it almost makes her sexy, but not quite.”

.

“Why is it always about debauchery with you?”

.

“This fucking city reeks of feces three hundred and sixty days a year.”

.

“I needed two dollars—it’s not like I was asking her if I could come on her face.”

.

“Hobos—they really get the short end of the stick. Why is that?”

“Because no one cares. If anyone cared, they wouldn’t be hobos.”

.

“It’s the next logical step: stripper, porn star, Bible salesman.”

.

“You can’t just call me a crap ‘that.’”

.

“I think she’s been ruined by therapy.”

.

“Even monkeys don’t masturbate that much, I don’t think.”

.

“It was just like eating a stuffed vagina.”

.

“Hey everyone, look at me! Look at me and my lack of nipples!”

.

“There’s a fine line between James Bond and alcoholism.”

.

“All that guy did was kill people and have windy sex.”

.

“It was the standard shit: I woke up this morning and decided I should join a Saturday night Bible study course.”

.

“And you can take that to the grave…or the bank. Wherever it is that you take things.”

.

“I’m glad I’m not you. I know I say that a lot, but I really mean it.”

.

“65,000 spams, and my dick’s not any bigger.”

.

“The sad part is, it doesn’t matter how much funnier you are—he’s a multi-millionaire, and you’ve got skanky balls bouncing against your chin in a filthy alley.”

.

“My grandma’s like, ‘Look at my microwave,’ and I’m thinking, ‘Gah, we suck, we’re so poor. My grandma’s better than us with her microwave.’”

.

“Man, I hate nature.”

“Yeah, me too. And it hates us.”

.

“I think she might have said something about sexual harassment, but I was too busy masturbating.”

“Masturbating on the girl in front of you.”

“Exactly.”

.

“Cocaine, man.”

“That’s your answer to everything.”

“That’s because it’s the answer to everything.”

.

“Nobody ever went broke underestimating the intelligence of idiots.” (I’ve been looking at this one all month, and I’ve finally decided that I want it on a t-shirt.)

.

“Yeah, I’m in the donkey zone.”

.

“I remembered something recently. I can’t remember what it was, but I remembered it.”

.

“Not a real rapist, just a date rapist. Fuck…why do I have the feeling that that’s going to end up on the First-Of-The-Month Quotes?”

“Probably because you can hear me writing it down.”

.

“I’m not saying I’d like getting fucked by a dolphin, but it still beats working at Wal-Mart for the summer.”

.

“We transcend morality.”


So there you go. First-Of-The-Month Quotes. I always put my favorite one last, did you know that? Now you do.


posted 10/01/07


Comments:
Entered By Diane From NH
2007-10-01 18:12:56

My personal favorite this month is the dolphin comment. Where were you for that one, Sea World?


Entered By Trey From NYC
2007-10-02 17:09:13

To giver credit where it is due, “Nobody ever went broke underestimating the intelligence of idiots," is actually an altered and abridged version of the H.L. Menken quote: "No one in this world, so far as I know — and I have researched the records for years, and employed agents to help me — has ever lost money by underestimating the intelligence of the great masses of the plain people. Nor has anyone ever lost public office thereby." He's got a lot of good ones. Google him.


Entered By Trey From NYC
2007-10-02 17:13:45

oops... Misspelled his name. It's H. L. Mencken.


Entered By Diane From NH
2007-10-13 20:10:52

Hi Trey...this guy Schmenken may be oft-quoted, but personally I think that particular quote seems a bit verbose. Whoever Ray overheard (I'm guessing Ray said it himself, by the way - it's that funny) said it much more succinctly and it didn't lose any of its impact. Tho I thank you for recommending the googling of H.L. -- quite an interesting guy...


Entered By Ray From Austin
2007-10-14 01:04:43

It wasn't me. Rarely to I quote my own self on the First-of-the-Month Quotes. I figure if I want to quote myself, I have the entire website to do it. Most of my friends are much funnier than I am--I'm just usually noisier about it.



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