Most of you know that I hate Sunday evenings. For those of you who don’t: I hate Sunday evenings. I also really hate August. Sunday evenings in August are pretty much the worst thing since sliced…you know that skin in between your index finger and your thumb? Sliced that.
I don’t have a remedy for the shitty feeling that can only be attained while sitting around bored on a Sunday evening in August, but I have a recipe for something that will help a little.
I’m serious, dude—a real recipe. Go grab your index card and your pencil, because you’re going to need to write this down.
We’re going to call it My Friend Jim’s Mexican Salsa Recipe, even though he learned it from someone else (someone in Mexico, actually—hence the “Mexican” part of the recipe title). We’re going to tack on, in parenthesis, “Single Man’s Version.”
You’ll find out why later.
Here we go.
My Friend Jim’s Mexican Salsa Recipe
(Single Man’s Version) *
The things you’ll need:
6 beers (your choice)
1 bag of corn chips (again, your choice—I prefer the cheaper “Mission” brand over “Tostitos,” but that’s just me)
4 big or 5 small tomatoes
Serrano peppers—how many depends on you. Here’s how Jim told me: “1-10. Think of it as a hot scale, with 10 being hot as hell.” The first time I made this stuff, I used four peppers, with seeds removed. That was pretty damn hot, so I reworked the hot scale, with 10 being insane. You leave the seeds inside, anything over two is suicidal madness, in my opinion.
1 large clove of garlic Again, I don’t know about this. I used about half a clove, and it was more than enough. I’d make it with half a clove, see how you like it, and then add more if you want.
½ to 1 teaspoon of salt
How you do it:
1) Blacken your tomatoes. Just toss ‘em in a big pan and turn on the heat. Turn them regularly, and make sure all the sides get singed.
2)Throw your peppers in towards the end—they need to be blackened, too, but they don’t take near as long. If you’re taking the seeds out of them, be very careful not to touch your bathing suit areas afterwards.
3)Put your tomatoes in a blender, along with your peppers, your salt, and your garlic. Blend.
4)Open your beer.
5) Dip your chip in your salsa, take a bite, and then have a drink of beer. Keep doing this until you’re out of beer. Feel free to mix it up—have a few drinks of beer and then a chip. Maybe add another six beers or so, or a bottle of tequila, or a hooker or two, whatever.
That’s it. The hardest part about this recipe is having a blender. **
The second hardest part is talking to anyone after you’ve eaten it, because this shit will make your breath smell like the ass-end of a garbage-eating mongrel that died while taking a dump. And that’s being nice about it.
Tamer, I’d-Someday-Like-To-Kiss-A-Girl-And-Maybe-Even-Fuck Version
I’ve fooled around with the recipe a bit and come up with one that still tastes good but allows you to interact with people after eating it. Cut the garlic back to 2 or 3 chunks. Add half of a small yellow onion (cooked along with the tomatoes and the peppers) and two sprigs of parsley. I’ll be honest with you—this doesn’t taste as good, but it’s still pretty rockin’, and it won’t leave you with death breath.
Referring to the original Single Man’s Version, my princess had this to say: It tastes better, but it’s like drinking—you wake up the next morning, you have this awful taste in your mouth, and you swear to yourself that you’ll never do it again. And then you do it again.
She was referring, of course, to my drinking, as she never touches the stuff, but I think she hit the nail on the head.
So, yeah, try it out, enjoy it, eat and drink your way through your Sunday evening. It’s what I’m doing.
*By “Single Man,” I mean the single man who just doesn’t give a shit, not the kind of single man who’s running around trying to score. Because if you try to pick up some chick within twenty-four hours of eating this salsa, you will fail…miserably. In fact, I almost called this the “Just Don’t Give A Shit” version of the recipe, but I thought that might look odd on your recipe cards.
**If you add hookers to the recipe, the hardest part will be getting rid of the diseases you catch, and the second hardest part will be explaining the dead hooker in your bathtub to friends and family.