“I don’t think I’m going to be able to be a robot ninja monkey like I had planned.”
“…What? Are we talking about Halloween?”
“Yeah. Remember, I was trying to lose a bunch of weight so I could be a robot ninja monkey? I don’t think I’ll be able to make a good enough costume, so I’m going to have to figure out something else to be.”
“That’s right, we made a bet.”
“We made a bet?”
“Yeah, you were supposed to lose twenty pounds by Halloween.”
“Or…I got naked pictures of your sister.”
“You want naked pictures of my sister?”
“Oh. Well, that’s doable.”
“I figure I can blackmail him when he gets into politics.”
That was a conversation I had with Trey last night. Just for the record, there’s nothing wrong with wanting naked pictures of my sister, I just couldn’t really imagine Trey wanting naked pictures of her—we all grew up together, so that’d sort of be like wanting naked pictures of his own sister. And although he’s a pretty creepy guy, I don’t think he has sunk to that level…yet.
So, yeah, I have to lose twenty pounds by the end of October. I originally started out wanting to lose fifty, but then I remembered I’m a big fat lazy bastard. If I’m gonna try to lose 50 pounds, I might as well just cut off a couple of limbs, because there’s no way I’m doing it the old-fashioned way—working out and eating right. Twenty pounds I can maybe do. I must, for the honor of my brother.
Honestly, I can’t remember what I win from Trey if I lose the weight. I can only assume that it’s his incredible donkey porn collection, because what else would motivate me to lose weight, you know? Oh, I suppose I could do it so that I don’t have to hand over nude pictures of my brother for Trey to use to blackmail him in the future (“I’ll tell him, ‘You know, I need a bridge in my back yard. Make it happen, unless you want these pictures to see the light of day.’”).
Honestly, I hate the idea of having to go through the process of obtaining said pictures. I mean, I’m sure I could manage it, but I’d have to tap my innermost wells of nefariousness, and I was kind of saving that for something else.
So I started working out. I bought one of those stupid Gazelle exercise machines around this time last year—August 23, actually—and worked out pretty manically until the week before my wedding. I lost thirty pounds that go-around, and I’ve managed to keep most of that weight off, even though I’ve gone back to shitty eating habits, bad exercise habits, and a drinking problem that is really starting to piss my liver off.
As of late, I’ve noticed that I’ve been putting on the pounds once again. It starts out small—maybe one or two, fluctuating, so there’s really no need to worry. And then you walk in one day, it’s an eight-pound difference instead of two or three. Since last November, I have gained 12 pounds. This is absolutely terrible for me, because I was hoping to work my way through school this fall as a transvestite hooker.
I know, I know, I could probably still make money if I worked the “chubby chaser” crowd, but that wouldn’t do anything for my self esteem, right? I just want to be pretty.
I’m at 212 right now. I’m not sure how drastically I’m going to change my eating habits at first. I think that when I got serious about losing weight last year, I went all hardcore, eating mostly lettuce, tomato, and cucumber for just about every meal. Maybe some chicken, when I felt like eating something that at one time had a pulse.
I’m not ready for that kind of commitment just yet. So I’m going to start working out daily, and I’ll weigh again in a couple of weeks, see if I’ve made any progress.
You might be wondering why the hell I’m sharing this with you. The fact of the matter is, I just don’t have anything else to write about. I figured fat people are always good for a laugh—especially when they’re trying to lose weight.
So when I come back in a couple of weeks, crying about how I still haven’t lost any weight, you can just sit back and laugh at the fatty. As always, I’m willing to sacrifice my dignity for your entertainment.
But what I’m not willing to do is sit back and lose this bet without a fight.
I want that donkey porn, Trey. It will be mine.