August. Oh, August. How I hate this month. I can’t think of one thing good about it. Oh, wait—I think Trey’s birthday is this month. I guess that’s good, if you’re Trey. If you’re just some guy in Texas that won’t get to go to the party, there’s still not much good about August.
Looking at my desk calendar, I see that there isn’t a single holiday this month. Not even those fake Canadian or Mexican ones they’ll sometimes throw on there in italics. Just…nothin’.
School starts back up this month, in these parts, anyway. And while I’ll be glad to get the ditzy little high school chicks off the road and out of my way, it’s unfortunate that they’ll be replaced by dumb-ass soccer moms that are three times as bad.
I am not exaggerating a bit, man—you can tell when school starts because that first day, you’re dodging minivans and Suburbans left and right, it’s like an entire highway of drunk drivers in giant vehicles. I remember going to work once at Circuit City, and everyone came in saying things like, “What the hell is going on with traffic today? I almost got hit by, like, seventeen minivans.” And when I told them that it was the first day of school, almost everyone said the exact same thing: “Fuckin’ soccer moms.”
In case you’re wondering about my sexist statements about women drivers: Men are bad drivers, too. Hell, man, everyone’s a bad driver, just about. I’m generally pretty good, but I have my moments where I think to myself, “Wow, that was an exceptionally shitty bit of driving I just did right there.”
But men are bad drivers in a generally predictable kind of way. They’ll speed up so you can’t change lanes, they’ll cut you off, stuff like that. Women do things in traffic that I can’t even fathom. The other day, there was a lady in front of me who stopped at the end of the off-ramp. Stopped, waited until there weren’t any cars on the access road, did a u-turn, and then drove half a block down the one-way street, going the wrong way, so she wouldn’t have to circle the block to get to Costco. You could liquor up a blindfolded retarded kid and get better driving than I see with some of these chicks.
Anyway…so we’ll be trading in the air-headed little high school girl that can only be bothered to pull her head out of her ass long enough to screw around with her cell phone for the dipshit soccer mom with an SUV full of spoiled little shithead kids who isn’t smart enough to work her cell phone and drive, but damned if that stops her.
I once saw a woman in a minivan get into an accident. She was talking on her cell phone, and traffic was creeping along, and she didn’t stop when everyone else did, so she hit the guy in front of her. They pulled onto the shoulder on the left side of the road, got out, inspected the damage, saw that it was minimal, and decided to go on their merry little ways. The chick gets back into her minivan, pulls into traffic, cuts across two lanes and crashes into another guy. Traffic was barely moving, I don’t know what the hell she was doing, but it was hilarious. She started bawling, walking around her crushed front end, and just freaking out. That, too was hilarious. Her tears did my heart good.
But, yeah, August sucks. School’s starting back up, and even though I no longer go, it gives me a bad feeling. Sitting in that classroom, it’s like two thousand degrees, your butt’s all sweaty, and you just have to sit at that lousy desk and try not to fall asleep. Man, August sucks.
As far as news around The Strangelands, there really isn’t much from my end. Same stuff, mostly—a couple of short stories I’ve been thinking about writing, and maybe a rant or two.
So welcome to the suckiest month ever, kids. Have a good time.