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Where I Been by Ray Printer Friendly

Usually, I try to use the weekend to get caught up on my Strangelands posting, and maybe write a few extra posts that I’ll use during the week—you know, in case I’m feeling less than inspired after hauling around massive buckets of chlorine all day. That was not the case this weekend.

I’m gonna go the douche-bag politician/bad parent route here and blame video games. I recently started talking to a coworker more in-depth, and discovered that he spends some of his leisure time gaming. Because I have a couple that I think are really cool, I took them to work one Wednesday for him to play on his day off (Thursday). I didn’t expect to get anything out of it, I’m just really a hell of a guy. Friday, he shows up with God of War II.

I really suck at video games. Mario Brothers 3 was the last game I was good at, honestly. I’ve managed to cripple my way through most of the games I own, but I never fool myself into thinking I’m good at it. This can be quite discouraging, so I wasn’t sure if I was going to play much of God of War. I figured I’d give it a try, just to tell the guy that I had tried to play it. Also, I was kind of excited because I’ve been in the video game mood lately—my PS2 was already hooked up to the TV and everything.

I turned the game on at five o’clock on Friday evening. I went to sleep a little over twelve hours later. My princess had a meeting to go to on Saturday morning, so I kind of woke up a little as she was getting ready to leave. I saw that I had only been asleep for a couple of hours, and decided that the day could wait. About five minutes after she left, I realized she had forgotten to take her phone with her. I realized this because it was ringing right beside my head. I answered it because I thought it might be her calling (it didn’t occur to me that if she was calling to tell me she forgot her phone, she would probably call me on my phone instead of hers—what can I say, man? Two and a half hours of sleep isn’t good for my thought process). It was one of her co-workers, asking where the meeting was.

“I think it’s at the school,” I told him.

“I’m at the school right now. Nobody’s here.”

“Don’t know what to tell you, man—I’d call her, but you just tried that, and it didn’t work out.”

He didn’t seem to appreciate my humor. “The meeting starts in ten minutes.”

“Sorry, bro. Good luck.”

He offered an unsatisfied good-bye and hung up. I slid the phone away from my pillow and tried to go back to sleep. Unsuccessfully.

I turned on the game about five after eight in the morning. When my princess got home at two, I was still playing. I played for another hour and made it to the end.

“How was it?” She asked.

“I loved it.”

You can tell a game is awesome when you read the little parental advisory thing on the back and it’s like thirteen lines of shit that’s bad for you. M, it says. MATURE. Graphic violence, blood and gore, more violence, nudity, sexual themes, even more graphic violence, strong language.


Everything that dumbass parents and shithead politicians complain about with video games, God of War 2 is packed full of it. Like you start out just killing the shit out of everything. You get thrown over an entire city, and you land in a bathhouse. You have sex with a couple of naked chicks, and then you’re off to seriously stomp the fuck out of everyone. Did I mention that you’re supposed to be the son of Zeus? You are. And you want to kill him. You kill Prometheus, you kill Perseus, you kill Icarus. You kill the Sisters of Fate. You kill some big fat monster with about a thousand titties. I can’t remember who that was supposed to be. You kill Medusa. You kill two priests, about two million thug creatures, and the Kraken. One of the people you have to fight is this lady with one of her boobs hanging out of her toga. She rubs it on your shoulder during a cut-scene.

At one point, you’re roaming around inside of Atlas, like pushing his vertebrae around and shit. It’s delightfully disgusting. Everything is pink and slimy and throbbing. Totally grody.

The level of violence is through the roof. Like the way you finish off enemies? Sometimes you rip off their heads, sometimes you smash their heads into books, sometimes you ram a bridge through their face. One guy, you jam a giant sword down his throat. The three-headed guard dog? You yank his jaw off. There’s one guy, you tear off his arm, and stab him to death with the sword the arm is still holding. Another guy, you slam his head in between these two gigantic doors over and over, until you finally decapitate him.

In short, I totally recommend everyone go out and buy this game…for their children. Because this stuff would be awesome to see reenacted on the playground.

I figured I might get some writing done Saturday night, but I kept getting phone calls. And as much as I enjoy writing, sometimes it’s just more fun to drink gin and talk to my friends. Saturday night was apparently one of those times. I woke up this morning with a terrible taste in my mouth, a terrible feeling in my stomach, and a terribly blank computer screen.

Sunday is the day that we get stuff done around here, so I was up and at ‘em at eight, brushing my teeth, making breakfast, cleaning the kitchen, showering. Then it was off to the mall for some new sneakers. Lunch, grocery shopping, and I’m back home. I’m still editing pictures of that birthday party I went to last month, and I was hoping to get a DVD made out them before I go back home for the Fourth of July, so I did some of that. I realized that it was a lost cause and gave it up in favor of eating a couple hotdogs.

Which brings us to right now. Thrilling, right?

I know this was an extremely boring post, but I can’t always be writing amazing stories about getting jalapeño on my penis, you know?

posted 6/25/07

Entered By Addie From Milwaukee
2007-06-25 03:25:51

...shouldn't that be a finishing move in the game?

Entered By Leslie From Texas
2007-06-25 13:51:02

I'm setting the boys' PS2 on fire as we speak. They won't miss it...much.

Entered By Ray From Austin
2007-06-26 21:57:28

Addie: On one hand, I find the kind of mind that would think up the "jalapeño penis finishing move" terrifying. On the other hand, there's just something about a girl speaking video game jargon... So I guess you're still okay.

Les: If you burn the PS2, what will they do with all these copies of God of War 1 & 2 that I bought them? Seriously, though, wouldn't destroying the PS2 be like killing the babysitter? Remember how hard it was to get rid of the pacifier? You'd never survive the guilt.

Entered By Addie From Milwaukee
2007-06-27 04:35:02

Thanks. :) And in case you were in doubt, I found a way to prove my girlishness and yet still maintain my "cool" game-referencing edge. Sorta.

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