It’s Father’s Day, Strangelanders, so make your calls, send your cards, whatever. I’ve actually been looking for a card for a while now, and I still haven’t found one I like. You’d think with all the cards they make these days, there would be one that expressed pretty much any and all feelings, but I was a little put out by the selection this year.
There were some that were all gushy and sentimental, and I just can’t see a son sending his dad something like that. All covered with a sunset on a beach: “Throughout my life you’ve been there for me, my guiding light into manhood, and I thank you. This is your special day, and you deserve it.”
The hell? Tell you what, maybe we can scratch off the part that says, “Father,” and then send it to all the Mrs. Robinsons out there, okay? To celebrate the first time she seduced us, that’d be a good card for that.
The other cards I saw all said something about mothers. Like on the front, it’d say something like, “Dad, you’re smart, you’re funny, and you’re everything I want to be when I’m a father.” You open it up: “I only hope I can find a woman like mom to put up with me!”
That was under the humor section, believe it or not. The most humorous part of me getting that card for my dad would be the fact that he and my mother divorced over twenty years ago. “Get it, Pop? I hope my marriage doesn’t work out, either! Ha ha!”
I also have Rob. Although he had no part in my biological making, he has had as much a hand in raising me as anyone. So while it’s usually cool to have two father figures in my life, it makes picking out a card an exceptional pain in the ass. They don’t have a Hallmark section that goes, “Father’s Day Cards For A Guy Who Was Your Step-Dad For A While, But Now He Isn’t, But You Still Talk And Hang Out And All That.”
Inside, all the card would say is, “Holy shit! Can you believe I found a card like this? I tell ya, they’re makin’ ‘em for anything these days!”
Since there’s a good chance I won’t be able to find a suitable card, and since I’m able to do this because I’m not burdened of any children of my own, I made my own Father’s Day cards. (click for inside view)
For My Dad:
Happy Father’s Day.