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It'll Make You Go Blind by Ray Printer Friendly

So I’ve been trying to eat healthy lately. Not really a diet, but more of changing my eating habits thing. Part of this is making sure that I get several servings of fruits and vegetables each day.

I like salad, honestly. But I like it alongside of stuff like red meat, and fried potatoes. By itself, it has to do a lot to impress me. So what I did was, I got all kinds of various ingredients that I can interchange to produce a new salad each day. Today, I decided jalapeños would be good. I got out a pepper, washed it off, and placed the knife against the side.

My eye immediately began itching. I put down the knife and the pepper, washed my hands, and scratched my eye. I picked up the knife, began cutting the pepper, and my eye started itching like crazy.

“I guarantee you that by the end of the night, I’ll have jalapeño juice in my eye,” I said to my princess.

“No you won’t. Just be really careful.”

“I guarantee you.”

Because as we all know, you can wash and wash, but that juice is on there until it decides to come off. I prepared my salad, ate it, and washed off my plate.

In case you’re worried, don’t be—I didn’t get juice in my eye.

I was careful. I rub my eyes a lot, though, so I had to be very mindful. Especially when I went in to take a shower, because I tend to get hair in my eyes when I take my shirt off, and I didn’t want to go through the agony of burning eyes just trying to move a piece of hair out of the way.

I started the shower, and then urinated. And here is where things went wrong. Because I was so mindful of my eyes, I forgot that the real issue was on my hands. And, shortly after urinating, on my private part.

I think we all probably know this, but just in case: One thing you do not want on your penis is jalapeño residue. Hell, jalapeño anything, for that matter. What some of you probably don’t know (hopefully) is that if you ever do end up with something jalapeño-ish on your penis, do not, I repeat, do not run warm water on it in hopes of washing it off.

Even if you’re standing right there by a running shower, even if you think that since it just started burning, there’s still hope. Trust me, there’s no hope. Unless you count the hope that you have some weird acid-on-the-genitalia fetish that was up to this point undiscovered. And you better pray that you didn’t get any on the tip.

Anyway, I’m going to be huddled in a corner crying for the rest of the night, so you kids are on your own.

posted 6/14/07

Entered By Anonymous From Unknown
2007-06-14 17:24:32

"Good Lord!" Quote, unquote

Entered By Leslie From Texas
2007-06-14 17:43:27

Ooh Ray, you survived NYC, but were taken down by a jalapeno. Hmmm, maybe you should quit walking on the wild side and just buy them pre-sliced in the jar. Of course, what would be the fun in that? A friend of mine (and yours) had a similar experience, only she decided to get romantic with her hubby after slicing jalapenos. She definitely gave him a night he never forgot -- but not in a good way. Better luck (or at least a pair of gloves) next time!

Entered By Mary From Texas
2007-06-14 18:28:40

Ray Ray!! Damn you make me laugh!! Next time pour milk on your pee pee...it will take the sting out. And just so you know...I be the friend your sissy is talking about. Ha!

Entered By Black Mary From Texas
2007-06-14 20:24:08

Oh Rainman, Rainman, Rainman . . .

Entered By Ray From Austin
2007-06-14 22:52:00

Leslie: That friend's husband was the first person I thought of, which was exceptionally awkward considering I was naked and screaming...
Mary: It's funny you should mention putting milk on it, because I was just about to do that. Wait...oh, you meant for the burning, huh? Good to know for next time. And your husband is a superhero, madam, for enduring the pain you bestowed upon him. Seriously, him and his johnson should team up and go fight crime together.

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