Thank you and thank you and thank you.
Before today, I was a little hazy. I mean, I thought that celebrities were above the law, but I wasn’t entirely sure. Because when you let OJ Simpson kill his wife, you had this big long trial, I thought maybe you were just confused, like maybe you really did think he was innocent. And when you let Michael Jackson molest children? Again, you had the whole trial thing, I thought maybe you were just the most gullible state on the planet. I wasn’t enraged, I just pitied you, the same way I’d feel seeing a retarded kid poop his pants. Pity and disgust, California, that’s how I’ve always looked at you.
But by sending Paris Hilton to prison, only to release her three days after her sentence began…well, you have made it very clear that as far as you’re concerned, justice is just another good name for a porn star.
You have shown me that you are not to be pitied, but despised.
You have shown me what you really are—not only a state of stupid, shallow, chucklehead crybabies, but also star-struck, greedy, corrupt shitheads.
It’s nice to know that laws don’t apply to the rich and famous.
So once again, thank you, California. Thank you very much.
Now read back through this and replace the word “thank” with the word “fuck,” you sunbaked, anus-bleaching phonies.
update: Judge Michael Sauer, you are excused from the above rant. The rest of California, you are not. Grow up, jerks.
A brief explanation: My princess was curious as to why I was so enraged by this entire series of events, and wondered, in short, why I gave a shit about Paris Hilton. The fact of the matter is, I don’t give a shit about Paris Hilton. Aside from being a prime example of how humanity has changed the process of natural selection—this chick who by all rights should have choked to death on semen in some dirty alley years ago is instead living a better life than most of us ever will, kind of bucking the whole “survival of the fittest” thing—I don’t believe she’s even worth a second thought. What has burned me so bad about all of this is the blatant disregard for a legal system that is supposed to be fair. I’m not naïve enough to believe that it actually is fair, but at least be civilized enough to play the game—don’t just go around dick-slapping Lady Justice.