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First-Of-The-Month Quotes: A Year Remembered by Ray Printer Friendly

This month marks the one year anniversary of First-Of-The-Month Quotes. Can you believe it? A year of scribbling down awesome blackmail material but failing to attribute it properly, rendering it useless to all but Strangelanders. Yes, boys and girls, I have put aside what could certainly have been a lucrative career of threats of exposure for your entertainment.

And I’ve apparently been doing it for a year, now. Had I known, I would have made a cake or something. No. I wouldn’t have. Sorry—I just got all caught up in the moment, I guess.

Anyway, in celebration of the momentous event, I will now provide links to each and every First-Of-The-Month Quotes:


June 2006

July 2006

August 2006

September 2006

October 2006

November 2006

December 2006

January 2007

February 2007

March 2007

April 2007

May 2007


Oh, and although these aren’t technically First-Of-The-Month Quotes, I’m adding them because they’re kind of like weird hillbilly relatives to the First-Of-The-Month Quotes:


August 2005

December 2005

February 2006

May 2006


Finished reading?

Well, then, allow me to introduce our quotes for June 2007, and you’ll have a full year of lunacy, condensed (plus the hillbilly bonus material).



“So you’re in business?”

“You bet I am. I’m in so much business it’ll tickle your asshole.”

“…What?”

.

“You’re such a dick. You do know all the monkeys.”

.

“My Holocaust humor goes nowhere.”

.

“I’m serious, man—you should breed.”

.

“So are we going to see you naked?”

“Why, are you thinking of getting into bulimia?”

.

“Kevin Bacon is not an epic hero.”

.

“Who are these people sending pictures of their penis?”

.

“Thanks for being my priest.”

“Yeah, no problem. Now go say twelve Yo Mary’s and you’re good.”

.

“You’re just tryin’ to pick up chicks, aren’t you?”

“That’s the only reason to be an artist.”

.

(Left on my voicemail): “That’s what I get when you don’t answer your phone, is that you don’t like books. So, yeah, you hate books. You’re such an illiterate. Anyway, bye.”

.

“Yes, a biker chick is going to pop my anal cherry.”

.

“I think I have brain damage. I probably don’t, but I think I do.”

.

“That’s not art, that’s bullshit. The art is that he tricked so many people into believing his bullshit.”

.

“Redbook, man, what the hell is that?”

“It’s like a prude version of Cosmo.”

“It is. They have the exact same articles, but without words like penis and clit.”

.

“His head’s so far up his ass that it’s back where it actually belongs.”

.

“You’ve gotten bloody noses from giving head to a girl?”

“Hey, man, I’m serious about what I do.”

.

“I saw this guy on TV, he was acting like a retarded farmer. I found out later that he was making millions of dollars on the radio.”

.

“So I just asked her, ‘Did you notice my palsy?’”

.

“Did you tell your boob I said hello?”

“No!”

“Put it on the phone so I can talk to it.”

“No, I won’t! And even if I did, I wouldn’t admit it to you.”

.

“To make it through life when you’re that ugly, that’s gotta be rough.”

.

“The other problem with Montreal is that it’s in fuckin’ Canada.”

.

“He’s just sittin’ there shaking, you can tell he’s put all kinds of stuff into his body that he shouldn’t have.”

.

“I almost killed her one night when I was on acid.”

.

“Long story short—she got a Junior Whopper.”

“So it was a good time with the palsy?”

“For sure.”

.

“My dick was all bloody, man—that’s not cool.”

“That just means you did good work.”

.

“You desperate fuckers have just doomed me.”

.

“Is that gonna be a First-Of-The-Month Quote?”

“I think it has to be.”

“Might as well make a big sign: Welcome to The Strangelands, FBI!”

.

“Turns out, I’m an even bigger asshole than I thought I was last night.”

.

“Mad Dog 20/20! Throw me in the gutter and step…on…ME!

.

“I’m finally figuring it out: The one constant in all of my failed relationships is me. Maybe the world isn’t out to get me—maybe I’m just a bastard.”

.

“You’ll be begging to be back in that room with that guy waving a sandwich at you.”

.

“I’m really dating myself here…and by that, I mean I’m jerking off.”

.

“It’s because of the crazy organ-playing bitch downstairs.”

.

“We are great at talking weird.”

.

“He says he ain’t gay, and he don’t suck cock…but did you see those shoes?”

.

“If they’re cute and mean, there’s a chance you can work with it. If they’re ugly and mean, there’s nothing you can do.”

.

“My dad danced. There are demons snow-skiing right now in Hell because my dad danced.”

.

“Say you like capitals, bitch.”

.

“I can see it now: You’d start working out, showing up in muscle shirts.”

“Assless chaps.”

“…”

.

“If Larry Flint can say nice things about Jerry Falwell, there’s hope for humanity.”

.

“Their English is so terrible in England.”

.

“Yeah, I could probably stick my dick in that without throwing up.”

.

“Is your mom Satan?”

“I don’t know.”

.

“I wear bad behavior quite well.”

.

“Cheerleaders…it’s not like they’re bad people.”

“Yes, yes they are—that’s what makes them so wonderful.”

.

“My guitar is my only girlfriend right now.”

.

“I would not wanna go into the IQ Pepsi challenge with those guys.”

.

“What a fuckin’ moon bat, man, what a freak.”

.

“If you’re going to be perverse, take it to the limit. I mean, just push it to the limit.”

.

“Hey, so if you come across any pictures of her new boobs, send ‘em along.”

“No. No, I won’t do that.”

“You are truly a terrible friend.”

.

“I could’a been like, ‘It’s okay—everybody’s snatch turns sideways at some point’”

.

“Sonic is gay friendly as hell.”

.

“There’ll be a point in my life where the only ass I get is the ass I pay for.”

.

“I think he’s getting overwhelmed. I know he is…because he told me. He goes, ‘I’m so overwhelmed.’”

“You’re like a detective.”

.

“Because that’s all I really want, is someone to have brunch with. Someone to suck my cock and have brunch with.”

.

“The guy obviously…air conditioners had been very good to him.”

.

“I almost called you at six this morning to ask you why is it that all funny women turn gay and then stop being funny. It’s really only a matter of time before you turn gay and stop being funny.”

“I’m not going to turn gay.”

“Yeah, you’ll say that right up until you start going down on chicks.”

“Do you want me to throw up?”

“No. Why, are you going to?”

“This is not morning talk.”

“Yeah, this is more night-time talk, huh? A little wine, some candles, you could invite one of your friends over…”

“Seriously, I’m about to throw up my cereal.”

.

“Yeah, I would have thought that was all deep if I was 14 and listening to a Doors song.”

.

“You just need a bitch with good forearms.”

.

“No, I knew I was going to end up killing him—I just never thought it would be an accident.”

.

“This could be something beautiful…and disturbing.”



So that’s it, kids. I feel that these quotes are getting more crude and violent with each passing month, but what can you do—my friends perform at their best when they’re tumbling into the downward spiral.


posted 6/02/07


Comments:
Entered By Dave Riley From Unknown
2007-06-03 18:22:30

I humbly submit: "Brackish Menses would be a good name for a goth band." -A female friend "With women it's always all that girly shit. Serious to fuckin' God." -The same female friend


Entered By Dave Riley From Unknown
2007-06-03 18:24:48

(Note to self: HTML . . .)



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