Home Login Contact
Sections

Galleries

Authors

Issues
June Bugging Me by Ray Printer Friendly

Ah, June. I don’t really have much to say about June, except for mine doesn’t seem to be going all that well so far. I looked up a pregnant woman’s dress today, and I feel that my mental well being is much worse for wear because of it. I didn’t mean to look up her dress—it was just the world being a jerk to me.

See, I had just finished my delivery, and was driving through the parking lot to get out of the shopping center. You have to be very observant when you’re driving through shopping center parking lots, because Austin drivers can’t really distinguish the difference between an interstate highway and a parking lot, so you have people shooting through parking spaces at roughly seventy miles per hour. Also, there’s this place called Gymboree in this particular shopping center, which is where women take their children to play or some such shit, so you have about a billion soccer moms around, all driving around with their heads up their vaginas.

My point being, you have to stay very alert. So when I saw a blur of red, my first instinct was to glance over and assess the situation. My second instinct was to vomit all over myself, because what I saw was a very pregnant woman bent over, picking up a bag of cat food (this was right in front of Petco, by the way). Not only was she bent over in a very unflattering manner, but the wind was also blowing her dress somewhere up above her shoulders, so I was subjected to a nightmarish view of…well, of the underbelly of the beast, as it were. She was wearing panties, but instead of hiding anything, the underwear just seemed to emphasize everything, like when those hot chicks are naked, but they have clothes painted on them, you know?

It was just a moment, but I bore witness to every nook and cranny her bloated nether regions had to offer, and it was a hellish thing. On the bright side, it apparently Zenned me the hell out, because moments later, a car full of douchebag teenagers drove by and flipped me off, and instead of getting irritated by it, I just thought, Well, at least it wasn’t a pregnant woman’s private parts.

Yeah, so far June has not been the best of months. In fact, it’s actually being quite the dick.

Important dates to remember this month: Father’s Day is on the 17th (that’s the third Sunday of this month). Flag Day is on the 14th. And summer officially begins on the 21st. Of course, here in Austin, we don’t really pay much attention to when it “officially” begins—the way I have it figured, if I’m stewing in my own ball sweat, summer’s already here.

As far as site news goes, I don’t really have anything for ya. I’ve been entering writing contests left and right, so after I get rejected, I’ll probably post my entries here. (One of the contests I entered, I wrote about a guy killing his wife. After submitting my story, I read the judge’s bio page and saw that she published children’s books for a living—oops.)

Anyway, that’s all I got, Strangelanders. Hope your June is starting out better than mine.


posted 6/01/07


Comments:
Entered By Addie From Milwaukee
2007-06-04 00:23:32

Ray, I'm afraid you're slipping. Now how could you possibly write the line "...like when those hot chicks are naked, but they have clothes painted on them, you know?" and not hyperlink it? That's just poor e-story-telling. ;) You're welcome. Oh, and I'm sorry for your eyes' loss.


Entered By Ray From Austin
2007-06-04 01:53:44

I probably haven't told you lately how much you rock, Addie, so here: you rock...a lot. In my defense: While writing the story, I was overcome with disgust, and the last thing I was thinking of was tracking down pictures of hot painted chicks. Because I was thinking of pregnant vagina. Incidentally, did anyone know that another plural form of vagina is "vaginae?" (pronounced vuh-jahy-nee)



Add Comment:
Name: Location: