If you donít live in a city filled with dirty stinking hippies, you might not realize that today is Earth Day. Thereís also crap about it all over the news, and I was almost guilted into ďdoing my partĒ to help out the planet.
But as I spread out my daily regimen of allergy medicine and began gulping down various pills and potions, I suddenly realized that screw this planet. I mean, eleven and a half months out of the year, the crap that grows in nature is trying to kill me. I donít need that. Itís all fine and good to talk about how we need to recycle and conserve and stop killing animals so much. But the fact of the matter is, nature sucks.
Nature means bug bites and sneezing and sweat and frost bite and hurricanes and big-ass snakes that can eat you. It means spiders that can make your skin rot, sharks that will bite your leg off, and creatures swimming into your penis (or vagina).
This is not a happy place.
You know what I like? I like concrete and steel. I like waking up in the morning and being able to breathe. I like not having the plague and I like swimming in crystal clear, chlorinated, no-fish-in-my-urethra pools of water. I like walking without having to worry about a snake biting me. I like sitting in a room filled with scents of my own preference, at a temperature of my choosing, under light that I can adjust and that wonít give me skin cancer.
I like what humankind has done with the place, is what Iím saying. Sure itís a polluted mess with (probable) global warming. The water is filled with oil, the air is filled with exhaust, and the ground is filled with toxic waste. But when I go to sleep, I donít have to worry about getting attacked by a wolf.
And besides, without man, the Lyrebird never would have gotten to extend its vocabulary.
Oh, so Mother Nature needs a favor? Well maybe she should have thought of that when she was besetting us with droughts and floods and poison monkeys. Nature started the fight for survival, and now she wants to quit because sheís losing? Well I say hard cheese.óMr. Burns, The Simpsons
Nature is nasty and brutish and mean. Nature wipes out half the population of the planet and it doesnít give a shit. And I donít want that. Famine? The plague? Fuck nature.óAnonymous, The Strangelands